How Are We Doing?

What a long, strange trip it's been. 

In April, after season, we went to Mexico with Bella and her new love. Let's call him LB. 

I have a bad knee and somehow I twisted it and it was worse than ever. It made walking about the resort very challenging and not fun. I decided to have it replaced - something I've been avoiding for a long time. 

So I did on May 31st.

Everyone said:

• it's a breeze!
• you'll be so happy you did it!
• recovery is fast!

May I say I was not looking forward to being put out for this. I got some excellent advice and opted for the spinal. I woke up to seeing the lovely face of one of Lorenzo's good friends who also happened to be working at the surgery center I went to. 

"Oh Lee! Lovely Lee! You are so lovely! Let me see your face! You came to see me?"

An easy wake up! It was so good! When I had surgery for a meniscus tear back in 2009 my memory of waking up is crying on the table for hours and everyone ignoring me. I'm certain this didn't happen. I'm dramatic apparently even when anesthetized! 

So for this summer I've been recovering . . . and recovering . . . and recovering. It is not a breeze. It's not horrible, but it's not a breeze. Why would I ever have believed that? I feel the same way my sister-in-law must have felt after she had a baby. She recounted how I had described my labor with Bella to her, "One half hour and two pushes and the doctor caught her like a football!" Her experience wasn't that I'm assuming. I am dramatic.

So things are getting back a bit. I even drove last night for a little ways! (new knee is on the right side).

On my phone!

Davie (she's a girl - I know, I know) guarding us from anyone walking down the street with a dog. 

Life at the Lake

Some things never change with me. 

Pup using Davie as a pillow. Call the humane society!

Lorenzo and Pebbles sick sick sick!

Pupism from just this morning. "The bill I just paid asked for an email, I put down eatme@eatme.com. Luckily they'll think it was from you!" Oh Pupski!

Looking for Help in All the Right Places

I am in a funk.

I want to post details. I better not post details. Believe me when I say the details are not interesting.

But the funk it leaves behind is. Interesting. Or at the very least, a tool. Learning tool.

I'm kinda puzzling through it this early morning right along with you dear grokker. Or dear mocker. ;)

So, I am pushing through. I think I am? I am! The sugar of yesterday becomes the resolve of today?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was doing some reading this morning about cravings and resolve and depression and how biology affects these seemingly willpower-based behaviors. Kinda amazing how damaged internal systems will spiral our bodies into an even more damaged state. I can see that these things are not a simple fix.

Leptin resistance and adrenal compromise seem to be key in all of this. My insomnia and cravings seem to be only symptoms of a bigger problem. I have flirted with all of this in the past, but have not taken most of it seriously enough. I think it may be serious. You'd think just the insomnia would be incentive enough!

I am researching a local resource to help me as wading through all of this information is a bit overwhelming!

I am looking for the start. It isn't as easy as you'd think.

This plant seems representative in a way today. This is my cat's contribution to the decor. He seems to need some greens!

Bad Romance

Actually, bad headache. Bad romance just sounded better didn't it? I just - this minute - watched the video. This song was way better in my memory. That's how some things are! So I won't be linking it. Lucky you!

This was a BAD weekend. The whole thing. It's done now and yay! I have today off and maybe I can play catchup for a bit.

I don't get headaches as a rule. Mostly this is true.

One day a few months ago I had an episode of flashing lights in my eyes. Pup gets these frequently and they always lead to a migraine for him. So when I had this happen I braced myself. But I only had the flashing lights. Which is VERY disorienting.

Last week while working with Bianca Jagger (Alli-Baby's daughter) right when I was checking in for my shift I got the flashing lights. It starts out with a visual tic - the one where if you stare at a graphic and then look away it looks like you are still seeing the graphic. I'm not certain if I'm describing it clearly, but I bet we've all had that experience.

This time it looked like this:

So creepy! It lasted about 30 minutes and left my head feeling like I had HAD a headache, but I hadn't.

Friday night - no sleep. None! Flashing lights that turned into a killer headache. An all day headache. I had a full day planned. Had to cancel all of it. Sad!

Yesterday - worked. Just a dull pounding where the headache had been. Totally doable.

Slept finally - woke with totally different type of headache.

Holy Hannah! Look at all the headache bitching I just did. I am wondering if it's just adjusting to the new everything with fall hitting and the weather being different and simply being more sensitive to all of these things. This may be the thing I hate the most about getting older. Developing all of these sensitivities that I was just oblivious to in the past or I am turning into a wussy. Feel free to substitute a letter if you will. Heh!

So - bad romance with my head.

I'm drinking my coffee and planning my attack for today.

Think about me!

~~~~~~~

Edit: I was just scrolling through a couple of past posts and saw that I did have a headache earlier in the week. I am stuffing them down! I swear I do not get these often. 

When in Rome

I've never been to Rome. Have you? It is definitely on my list. The whole of Europe is on my list. Especially Italy. Or London. I can't decide which I'd want to see first. I mean southern Italy I'm thinking. Apparently I just want me some pasta.

And that's only because I am not eating pasta.

What I am eating a lot of right now is Chipotle. I love that restaurant. Technically it is fast food, but the company model is they buy local when possible and definitely organic and use meats that are hormone-free. And you can customize your bowl. And it's delicious.

Bella and I volunteered last night and I bribed her to go with me to Chipotle beforehand. We were even late because of it. I had worked that day and hadn't really eaten anything.

The guys working the food were very generous with the vegis. And the chicken. And the guac. Mmmmm. Heaven for me. And a great choice when you're on the run. I am forswearing any other fast food. I don't really like fast food to be honest. Culvers has good soup from time to time. Pup loves to stop there after we've been to the gym so I usually get soup, tea, and maybe I'll eat one of his real chicken strips. Not horrible.

But the rest of those places - nope.

I read lots of my nutrition blogs and they have fabulous recipes. I have binders full of recipes (sorry - cannot get that off of my mind) and I do like to pull those binders out and cook on occasion, but the truth is I don't cook often. I know I've mentioned that Pup is not a foodie. In fact he's the opposite of a foodie. I do get bored with the limited options that he will eat and the real fact is I am not home much in the evening so not much cooking gets done here at Chez Emerson.

So I am figuring out how to eat out. I've talked about it before I do believe. It's hard to not overeat when you go out. So, I hit Chipotle a couple of times this week, went out with Pup and chose soup, and had breakfast out a time or two. Breakfast out is easy. But, still figuring the rest of it out.

So . . .

1. The week went lickity-split. My daily list didn't get much of the original items checked off, but a few were added and checked off. It's a wash. Do you guys ever add something to your list just so you can cross it off? I'm a nut. Progression is my thing.
2. A few times this week I started the day with bulletproof coffee. I'll post a recipe and links tomorrow.

Ooop, that's not bulletproof coffee, that's Andy Cohen. I love how he dresses and was making note of how he combines color and plaid often. I swoon for his fashion sense. Bella mentioned last night that she thinks my ADD is getting worse. This is a good example of getting distracted by the shiny. I worried for a minute after she said it and then decided it's fine. I yam who I yam. ::sheepish::

1. Honestly? Feeling rather meh. I do not expect to always feel happy-snappy. I do prefer it though. I've always known I am basically a very happy person, but most that really know me would not mistake that for any kind of weakness. I really do not suffer fools willingly. I do suffer remorse from time to time though and then I say, "Blow me." No I don't, but you know what I mean.
2. Supplements. I am losing my patience with myself. I need to take those supplements. Okay.

Party on my sugarless babies. Momma Deborah is swimming with the sharks of desire and doing okay. Still struggling with what 20 percent really looks like.

Smooches.

Much Less . . .

. . . blabbering today.

Don't look so happy!

Despite the bad carb related headache earlier in the week, I'm feeling really good! I worked a lot this week so didn't get in any strength training. I will add that in next week. I don't work nearly as much.

I bet when most of you read that I'm working you think, "Big deal! I work!" Yes you do. The only difference is I work retail right now and am literally on my little hoofs the entire time I'm at work. Running here. Running there. And that's good. We even have standup desks to log pricing on incoming items. Again, this is good.

I've noticed that the primal/paleo influence is hitting main stream offices here in Minneapolis. I saw a news report showing a company that had treadmill desks and standing desks. I don't know if I could personally concentrate while walking on a treadmill, but wth. Standing is good. Good for our bones.

I'm happy with my first week progress.

I'm unhappy with a couple of other things, but like a woman customer from The Turnstyle and I were saying to each other yesterday, why be crabby? Be happy. Doesn't mean you aren't feeling the pain of what you are going through, but why be an ass about it? I have an ass, but don't care to be an ass. You all can keep your opinions to yourselves. Ha!

I am grokking on.

ignore horrible insignia - funny nevertheless when you put my face there with no uniform

Fluidity

I wish I didn't have insomnia. I had a handle on it for a minute, but it has slowly geared back up. Blah. Getting up at 2 a.m. is not fun! I did fall asleep in The Big Room (family room), but George (cute doggie) decided as long as I was up that he needed to pee. Damn you George!

I just don't know what else to try.

I am diligently drinking green tea every day. And liking it with lemon. Especially now that it's fall it is nice to have something warm to drink on a cold afternoon. 

The only good thing about being awake at 2 a.m. is I stumbled on an infomertial about the Fluidity Bar. I had forgotten about mine! I bought it a few years back and it is in the basement along with all of my other fitness equipment. I am planning on dragging it back out. They talked endlessly about developing a ballet butt. I want a ballet butt.

Enough.

It's a good time to review!

1. I found an additive for bottled water that might just help Pup and his quest to forgo pop. He is a pop nut and I've seen him glug down a liter in a few gulps. I brought home these little packets specifically made for bottled water. They even had his favorite flavor - fruit punch. Now that I know he likes them I'll get a few boxes to stash here and there. A big roadblock is lunch. He does fast food (I know!) every day and always gets a large pop with his meal. He is going to try bringing a bottle of water with the additive. Yay!
2. I don't get headaches often, but today is one of those days. Really bad. I'm dead tired at 7 o'clock. So I'm watching TiVo and giggling at bad behavior on some of my shows.
3. Supplements! I loaded up a ziploc baggie and promptly forgot about them. I am really bad bad bad about taking them. Hmm . . . I need to brainstorm a better way.
4. I nibbled all day. Peanut butter for breakfast, tomatoes and avocado for lunch along with a slice or two of cheddar cheese and liver pate, broth and some peanuts for dinner, a couple of wonderful haralson apples for snacks. Wow - looking at it written out makes me realize I am really weird.
5. I got my shoes moved in the loft.
6. Mood is in the dumper. Pup and I recently got some biz-related news that isn't good. Selfishly I see it how it affects me. As a good wife I also see how it affects Pup and I feel impotent. Makes my head ache more.

 I'm not sure why I'm sharing, or rather over-sharing, all of this. It's the head. I bet this is some kind of carb-flu. If it is, it won't take long to get over it.

Gah and grr. I hate being down for the count. Tomorrow will be better; it always is!

This graphic has NOTHING to do with this written post. Except that I don't feel good and looking at good butts in Levi jeans always makes me feel better. I can actually remember the first time I realized that I enjoyed looking at boy's asses. I was in the 8th grade, between classes, walking up the stairs behind the boy I had a huge crush on. I described the feeling to my girlfriend as liking the way his shirt tucked into his pants. I was kinda clueless at 13.

No Sugar Tonight

Do y'all remember that song? I just went way back into my vault of good memories. I think I was a wee-girl when I jumped around singing that song. Holy Hannah it was good. I always got baby-girl-boners looking at Burton Cummings. Sigh and ummm . . .

Enough.

Day #1 No Sugar or Grains

1. made it through the morning. Thank you for Stevia. It does not taste like ass as I've been told. Really. I'm not lying. Although sometimes I really crave Splenda even though it will make me grow a third breast if you believe all the hype about its evilness. EVIL SPLENDA. Even more evil than sugar.
2. I love MY scrambled eggs and spinach. I never order them when I go out though. They're always kinda rubbery. But mine are awesome. Is it okay to pat my own back? I could eat them every day. My secret ingredient? Heavy cream. Although I always say the world is a better place with heavy cream, sour cream, and cream cheese. Yes - I love fat. No - it doesn't make you fat.
3.  I am giving up grains as well as mentioned above - this may be harder than the sugar. I do love me some popcorn. Already I'm contemplating Mark Sisson's 80/20 approach. I'm sure I overestimate what 20 percent really means.   :P
4. Carbs are being limited. I don't have a number I'm aiming for, but under 50 per day is the goal. I am tracking my progress with my FitnessPal.com account. I am 'friends' with both of my daughters so we can nudge each other when we see that one of us hasn't been logging in. Although they don't really need any of what I need. If you get my ass drift.
5. I worked five hours today. I work retail and the upside of working retail is it's a physical job. 
6. No gym today. What a wussy. I am working on a doable goal for the gym. I have a tendency to be all or nothing. So let's make it reasonable. I'm thinking three times per week. And I'd like to squeeze in some yoga here at home. I'm as flexible as a coffee table. Heh!
7. I had soup and salad at home tonight. Then I had a snack attack and had a container of sugar-free pudding, Dulce Leche. Now my tummy is talking and talking. No discomfort, but super conversational. TMI much? I knew I shouldn't buy any processed junk.
8. I am finishing up the evening with lemon zinger tea and will head up to my bedroom to move stuff around. You know - shoes and stuff. I hadn't moved my shoes yet and wound up wearing sandal wedgies out on Saturday night. Everyone and their sister had on boots. I am a holdout. I am still wearing my Haviannas and plan to for as long as I can. Winter is long and dreary. I want to take a piece of summer with me.

Yay to the day one. Day one is both depressing and exciting.

Random shot of Brigitte Bardot

9.15.12

Saturday

1. Start day with coffee, Stevia, and heavy cream. I am contemplating the rest of the day. Of course I am not prepared. Wouldn't you all be disappointed if I were all prepared? Who likes a smart-ass? Why I do!
2. I worked five hours at The Turnstyle today. I looked up "standing" in my fitness calculator and was a bit shocked how many calories standing for hours can burn. Very interesting.
3. I don't like to eat while at work so when I leave I am starving. Muy estúpido. 
4. Pup and I go to a movie. I was excited to see it. It blew. Ate popcorn. Yum!
5. I fall into bed and sleep a long time. Well, for me a long time. It was restless, but sleep. I'll take it!

I had a bit of pasta to wear off from Friday evening's family night at Buca di Beppo. We were celebrating our beautiful, smart, and accomplished Bella's 30th birthday. How on earth!!! Second celebration of that birthday in the same week. Score!

I very rarely eat pasta because it is one of those things I cannot eat enough of when I'm eating it. But I ate some last night and enjoyed every bite. And didn't do too horribly. There was also a wonderful eggplant strata that I had my fair share of. Nummy!

It was an evening of delicious red wine and all of Sarah Bella's parental units. I am proud to say that her daddy (my wasband), his wife, the Big B's parents, Pup, and I were all in attendance. And, of course, Lorenzo (Lorenzo's man, BT, was unable to attend).

I am really a lucky and happy woman that I get along with my ex, can chat away with his wife with no weirdness, and even give said wasband major shit about this or that. I kinda love it. This is the new normal; for us anyway. I could see how happy it made Bella and for that my heart swells with everything good.

Notches on Your Belt

Not those kind of notches!

;)

But I have gone down a notch or two. I'm not really certain how that happens, but it has happened.

Okay, of course I KNOW how that happens, but I maybe didn't expect it with my own belt? Either way it's good.

Last week was a hella week. You know, hella busy, hella disjointed, and hella nothing. Yes! All at the same time!

Giving up grains is kicking my ass. Frankly it pisses me off they are not kicked entirely. I want this line of demarcation. This line where I can look and think to myself, "That is the day I gave up grains. That is the day I gave up sugar."

Most of the problem is lack of planning. I have heard this phrase:

When You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail.

Holy crapinoli, this phrase is the truth.

On a better note, I'm still moving more and that's always a good thing.

I'm hanging in there little warriors. Or big warriors. Or whatever the hell we are. Or what I am. Can you tell I'm a bit crabby about this? Ha!

Smooches to my grok-hooches. 

Move Your Rear

Pup and I have been doing just that. #thankyouplanetfitness

I'm being the high-priestess of bitchdom. That's okay. We both need prodding and I know he will forgive me.

I'm not buying him treats anymore. He pouts once in a while, but mostly he's doing very good. When he pouts and says, "Let's go to Dairy Queen!" I say, "Pup, we're fatty's. No."

We meet at the club about three times a week around 7:30. Between poor Pup's shifts.

As for me? I'm reading all about Cold Thermogenesis and I'm scared. I'm a puss and this is scaring me. Either Dr. Jack is a nut or the world is stupid. I haven't decided.

grump

I'm eating so good I should weigh 110 pounds. I don't. It isn't moving very fast. I don't know what's up with that.

grump

I'm moving though. I feel better. Mostly I'm sleeping awesome. I have some mojo working. Funny how getting flirted with can change your whole outlook. Yes, I am shallow. Also funny how good conversations can make me find faith in my fellow peeps. Love y'all.

smooches my hooches and get out there and shake what your momma gave you.

Breakfast of Champions

All my fellow paleo-peeps will be angrily trembling in their Vibram's, but some days you just gotta do what you gotta do. (Paleos bitch slap you when you eat peanuts and peanut butter cuz it's not a nut but a legume and legumes are BAD.)

I choose my battles, and this is working today.

Yesterday I had sockeye salmon and coconut oil sauteed-cabbage and, of course, neglected to take one of my fabulous BlackBerry shots. Sad girl! Lame girl!

The week was great regarding staying on plan and I'm looking forward to the weekend where I'll be grokking with some move-slow-and-constant times and a visit to the dungeon (workout room).

Onward and downward!

Watch Your Step

I'm reading a lot about cravings, binge eating, and sleep issues. I may be more confused than I was before. Ha!

What I'm not confused about is the past week was definitely not #faileo. I have thought this before, but I get into a thought-gully where I feel if I'm not PERFECT than I've fucked everything. It's such a weird thought-gully. I'd rather throw everything out the window because I did a little something off plan? I need to keep the big picture in mind and not go totally monkey-crazy when I have a blip. Concentrate on the glides and don't let the blips get the upper hand.

I have totally rediscovered the joy of drinking water infused with lemon. I make a pitcher in the morning and drink it during the time I'm at home. It's so delicious and makes supplement taking just that more bearable.

Grokking onward and downward my hooches.

Holiday Detoxing

Whew I say! Even after the holidays there are things aplenty to F me up. I keep thinking I have rid myself of temptations and something pops out at me to trip me up.

I am not tripping. Oh I'm tripping, but not on THAT. Ha! Lame Deborah - very lame.

Insomnia is still on and off. The off days are so good! I am tired of the on days. There isn't much to do at 3:00 in the morning. You'd think I'd be all creative and blog posting like a mo-fo.

Nothing creative sprouting out today anyway.

Lameo-sameo

But on track. Keeping with my Fitday tracking and keeping active. The devilish sugar and wheat are not a factor and hey hey hey for that.

Every Day a New Beginning

I'm so good at this. Starting that is. Starting starting.

Good on the calorie side. I'm not certain why FitDay said my daily goal calories are 847. Maybe because I have a pretty aggressive weight-loss goal that I indicated.

I needed a total detox after my very very naughty holiday wagon falling. I think I've done it. My Christmas toot-sweet (not sweet) everywhere since I was eating lots of crackers and lots of pie and lots of bad bad stuff.

I'm very tired today. Probably from only having about 18 carbs.

I believe I'll go rest.

What a wimpy!