Monday, July 1, 2019

It's Not You - It's Me

All the time I feel as though I cannot fully catch my breath. A catch in the back of my throat that either is going to propel me into a bit of crying or a bit of loud sighing or a bit of self-(fill in the blank) that I cannot fully realize or embrace or believe or possess. An unnamed bit of something (!) in the back of my throat/mind that isn't comfortable. Damn it is uncomfortable! What is it?

I look and look for the reason or cause. I take notes. I make a plan. I sit on that plan. Why do I sit on the plan? It does seem that the further I dip into this actualization or awareness or grasp of what I'm looking for, the more treacherous and perilous things seem. They really aren't that way, but I cannot catch my breath thinking about the risk. All the thoughts and spoken/unspoken words and things left undone or done and wrongs or rights. All of this stuff. This confusing stuff. Stuff I feel I should have a handle on. I don't have a handle on it. I don't even have a handle to grab.

The thing I've thought about all the time is making me unable to catch my breath because it caught me. I know there is a way to wriggle out of this snare if I were only smarter or more clever or less inclined to sit on the damn plan. I'm smart. I know how it is. I don't know how it was. There's the blemish in my plan. I think I know how, but clearly I do not.

What a bunch of prattle. But in the end - I cannot catch my breath and I need it.

Room with a View
View in a Room
No View Here

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Little by Little, Bit by Bit

We made it through the wilderness 
Somehow we made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you 
Like a Virgin

Yeah, nothing like a well thought-out opening. Realistic and appropriate.

But it's true. We made it though what seemed like a very long winter-season (Game of Thrones anyone?) and we made it through a remodel. Here is the space. I'm tinkering always with stuff placement and the large and very 90s areas up near the ceiling made me have to think pretty hard, but I'm loving living here. It's bright even on a gray day and the vibe I'm getting is relaxed even if I'm not. Heh~

Excuse the refuse on the island, the random cat - of course we NEVER let our cats on the counters! We would NEVER let our dog on the furniture! - and just the mess in general. House Beautiful has nothing on me. There's only two of us living here, but you'd think otherwise with the mess we manage to make. I'll post more appropriate and staged photos in the future. 

Monday, February 25, 2019


Pup and I waited for our contractor to come today. We had a couple of things to show him and the countertops were scheduled to be installed today and I needed to be here to see to all of that.

But they didn't come. Somehow, today, in the middle of the day, when we were expecting them to be showing up, our contractor got word that the counters had not passed inspection. There were flaws in the quartz.

Today they figured this out. After waiting three weeks for these counters they discover, today, that there are flaws in the quartz.

Gah and arg and grrr!

I burst into laughter because really, I want to shove someone down something. Not a real someone, just a shadowy no one that I can hurt just a little.

The joys of remodeling!

So I really ate some feelings for lunch. Several times.

And tonight I'm drinking wine.

This stuff is really good btw! My assistant from our new biz where she and I hold down the fort brought it in one day and I hadn't tried it yet. Grapefruit Rose. I am guzzling it. And that is a plastic wine glass I bought at Target just for the way I'm living these days. Living the life!
My makeshift kitchen. Coffeepot, toaster, microwave, and a bottle of wine.

No reason for this post other than reminding myself that even this day is good. Always something good to see here.


Sunday, February 10, 2019

A Beautiful Mess

Sunday, 2.10.19 - 10 a.m.

Who am I? I just drove to MacDonalds  for sausage and egg mcmuffins in my pajamas. Me. If you knew me you would know this isn't me. I had on my animal print flannel pajamas. During a snowstorm. wth

I put on sunglasses, a winter hat with one of those very cute, yet very large fake fur ball thingys on top along with my incredibly puffy down coat that seriously makes me look like a toddler who's mother has bundled them up for an outside adventure. I tucked my animal print jammy bottoms into my well-used Sorel boots, trudged out to my car, fluffed off the snow with window lowerings and windshield wipers and drove the mile or so to our MacDonalds. In my jammies.


How am I here? Who am I?

I am a woman who, along with her husband, two cats, and one dog, has moved into a detached townhouse in a much different town. After moving in we began a renovation on the main level which is 1/3 of the house. So we are living in a semi-controlled chaos. No kitchen, no couches, no place to hang out. Only our bedroom and our office are kinda set up.

It's wonderful! And chaotic as I said. But we have no good way to make a breakfast. It's also a very busy time of year for my husband and he was hungry. And it's snowing to beat the band. And it's 6 above which, right now, is rather balmy. A week or so ago, it was 30 below. For real. Not a windchill of 30 below, but for reals and true 30 below zero. The coldness of which our area hadn't seen since the 90s. Wow it was cold! Crazy cold. We were actually trapped (a dramatic word, yet technically true) in our house for a day. We only have access to 1/2 of our garage since a large dumpster is in the drive way so our Jeep Wrangler had to be outside. Wouldn't start that cold morning. Triple A couldn't get to us with all the stranded people on the highways that were in danger. We were safe and warm. We just couldn't get to work. I couldn't get to our satellite office to open it and our assistant couldn't get there either. Her car wouldn't start either. What a thing! If anyone reading this (brave and lovely soul) I'm thinking you have no idea what 30 below zero means. We barely knew what it could mean and we live in this place! Wow!

So - with all that aside, we are remodeling our house! It will be lovely.
Kitchen/ Living area before
floor and cupboards done
help from a furry-friend
progress photo
I sometimes feel crazed. I am one who does enjoy order in my life. It's anything but that. I have been eating my feelings a little. But I do that anyway. I know the end result is within my grasp. In spite of me! I have a photo in my mind how it will look when finished. I pray that is the reality.

New home - new life.