Day Eleven - Meaningful Experience

My week at a glance!

USPS - really?

What is happening right now?

Sweet baby-face girl. 

Sweet baby-face boy.

Two faces checking me out. 

Okay, I give up plow-guy, seriously? Ha!  😖

Day Six - Meaningful Experience

This isn't getting easier! I am apparently meaningless! 😄

But I'm not.

Let's say here on this blank post-page that Thursdays are always a meaningful experience for me. I spend hours with my Bella while she's getting chemo and we are never at a loss for things to talk about. The mother/daughter thing. It's powerful and baffling and splendid.

xxoo

Taken on the day she cut her hair. Look how those two have the same eyes!

So . . . With All That Said . . . Let's Work on Happiness - Day One

I am smart AF

Yeah, I'm MacGyver

One meaningful experience every day written down for 21 days.

Mindfulness - this is my goal. The thing I am wanting to stretch towards. I have not a clue how to attain this, but I'm in.

Yesterday's Experience.

I'm in an old-school cafe. The likes of I haven't been in for decades! At least this particular type of cafe/pub. I'm not really certain what to call it. The establishment's name: The Best Steak House. Of which it isn't. But what it is is a great place for my memories.

When I was a very young adult; I'm speaking to my 17-19 year-old self, my friends and I were so young, and so broke, and so always needing a place to hang out as we weren't old enough to hit a bar. We would frequently go to this place, The Best Steak House, and have lunch or dinner.

The draw for this place was mostly economics. It was a cafeteria-style restaurant. You'd grab a tray, order, pick up your utensils, and find a booth. We girls enjoyed mild flirtations with the handsome Greek sons that worked at this family business and I have memories of these boys/men (they seemed so old to us! They were probably 25+) one of the boys always giving me a hard time for continuously ordering "meeeelk."

For $1.04 (back in the early 70s) you could get a hamburger steak, a baked potato with butter and sour cream, a salad, and a beverage. For me "meeelk" I'm guessing. Ha! Now get this - I can remember my typical winter outfit! What a mind I'm dealing with here. I would be wearing jeans with boots, a white t-shirt or sweater of some kind, and a long gray wool coat. I'd wear this outfit today! I'm classic. Age-wise and fashion-wise yes? Forgive me on my lack of wit - it's hella early here in Chez Emerson-land.

So . . . back to the meaningful experience.

Yesterday I went with my daughter Bella and my grandson Spud to get her hair cut. As Spud and I were sitting in the little lobby area and looking out the window on the brilliantly sunny and bitterly cold day I saw "The Best Steak House" directly across the street from the salon.

So there we are - the three of us. Bella and I enjoying a small sirloin steak medium rare and having a wandering chat about wandering stuff. We were in the moment. Talking about being in the moment with each other! Watching Spud turn A1 and Heinz 57 bottles into barriers and roads for his semi-truck to maneuver through. Knowing in my heart this moment is a keeper.

xxoo

Remember?

I used to LOVE blogging. It didn't matter who was listening or what I said or where I was.

Then it dried up. I didn't have any more to say. If you knew me you'd say, "Liar! You say plenty and you say it often!"

Yeah, that's true, but I'm not talking about my inappropriate yapping. Not that I do that!

::insert emoji with hands on her face, head tilted, innocent look:: (I'm really beginning to hate emojis)

Yeah, I do that sometimes. In fact, this past summer while up at the lake, early on when we were settling in, we had our dear friends over. They were helping us unpack and everything else! We were in the living room taking a break and we were talking and laughing about who knows. I made a joke about my blurting (for some reason) and my friend did her own blurt, "You should stop! Some day you're going to get stabbed!"

We all fell out laughing, but I've thought about that from time to time. I do blurt at times. And I talk about how I blurt. It seems I'm not alone with the blurting, but, probably because I talk about it too much, my blurting gets noticed. Or I'm just much worse than I think.

I didn't mean to get on here and blurt about blurting!

Maybe I did though.

I am blessed!

I've been on a research-binge the past few weeks. I'm always on the hunt for the reasons behind my problems. I won't go into the exact nature of my problems although that might be a good thing to write about eventually. A purging if you will. And maybe a good place to organize these thoughts. Because you know when the thoughts are wild I can't get no relief.

Frankly, that was the start for the research-binge. I have insomnia to a degree. For years now. I read over and fucking over how nothing is going to align with the gods in my life if I don't get the sleeping fixed. But how? I've done everything believe me. With varying degrees of success. Nothing ever everlasting.

I found a great doctor a few years ago that is helping me get balance (love him to death!). I found him just in the nick of time too I think. I was beginning to careen off road emotionally and inappropriately and that feeling is horrible. And as a woman of my age coping with these horrendous mood swings, the racing and negative thoughts, the inability to ever lose the weight I want, and the hot flashes! Holy shit the flashes. I was working retail at the time and I swear I was having at least 20-30 during a shift. I noticed them the most there because I was out in the public. Nothing more attractive than a sweaty woman helping you find an outfit or ringing up your purchase. Gah

So I found my lovely doctor and we have that part so much under control. I have maybe one or two a day! Oh blessed relief.

But no help on the insomnia.

Now, I'm not laying night after night awake like a zombie (is that what zombies do? I never jumped on the zombie wagon!), but I do not stay asleep. When those eyes pop open at 3 o'clock it's a sad sad morning.

So I fall asleep in odd places during the day. Often in the afternoons when I'm watching the sweet little Spud (he's 2 years-old now!) I'll sit down in the living room "for a minute" and oftentimes fall asleep. Dr. S says this is good. Naps are good for your heart. But I feel like I should be DOING something. You know? Not napping.

But, in addition to that, I fall asleep at the movies. Pup and I LOVE going to the movies. And there I am, asleep. We went to one recently and I gave up, rolled on my side (theatre had those lounge chairs), covered up with my pashmina, and took a $15 nap. wth

I am laughing so hard to myself right now! I didn't think I had anything to say and all of this is rolling out like silky sand.

So - long story short - or maybe just the tease of the beginning of this f-ing story - I'm sick of all this shit. Sick of knowing something is amiss.

So - while poking around for something else (isn't that always the way?) I stumbled on a vlog of a guy talking (he's not just a guy, he's a chiropractor) about this thing and that thing.

He had a little test and one of the questions was, "Do you have an intolerance of stupid people? Do you holler at people in traffic? Does no one do things right in your book? Do you walk in a room and only see the one thing out of place instead of all the in-place items?

I was dumbfounded by these questions. I thought I was just an asshole. I didn't know there could be a thing going on.

wtf??

I love this shit. I really do!

Apologies for all the swearing. That just flowed out like sewage, but maybe it was clogging my sweet innards. Heh!

So . . . here I am . . . looking for answers as I always am. I will report back.

Today Was Made for Frosting

Unexpected day with no agenda. Normally a go-to-The-Firm-day, but Pup said a power supply died and we had inexplicably bought computers that have special-order parts so I have no computer at The Firm.

I'm not mad about it.

I have a list in front of me with things that seem to never get done during the week. We'll see how I do today!

It's sleeting outside.

The sun was out yesterday. When it is out we all find happiness simply looking out windows. Spud was here for a short bit yesterday (he was here for a few hours, but slept most of it!) and he and I spent a chunk of time in his room where we lifted the blind so he could look outside and enjoy looking at everything with a bright light. He loves looking out windows! I know he doesn't really understand why we are stuck in the house for the most part.

With that in mind Bella and I took him to the Como Park Conservatory on Sunday. It's a great place to poke about and smell humid air, look at beautiful flowers, listen to water features, and just get away from all the brown and gloomy that is outside right now.

So fun going with Bella and Spud.

Those are little skulls on his t-shirt. Swoon!

That was a remember-it-forever kind of day.

Smooches my hooches.

Oh oh!

Nearly forgot! Sheesh.

I just cleaned out my refrigerator and used up a bunch of vegetables before they went bad. For once! Made myself some damn good veggie soup; cabbage, carrots, celery, table onions. Simmered until soft, added some organic chicken bouillon. I just had a bowl. Mmmm nummy nummy nummy as Spud and I sing every day he's here.

Vegetables really are good. It's the prep that bugs me, yet just now when I was prepping and listening to the radio (local station The Current is celebrating its 10th year - wow!) I realized just how calming and rather enjoyable prepping veggies actually is.

Numm and yumm.

No photo, of course. Apologies for the repeat (or maybe not?), but Lorenzo has been known to wonder aloud, "Why does everyone feel the compulsion to share photos of their food?"

We just do! It is rather idiotic.

Instead, here's a photo of something lovely.

Because what is better than a baby eating an orange?

Hot Men Friday

Right about now I'm beginning to feel like Andy Cohen (from Watch What Happens Live and Bravo TV fame) who is having a sober January as his kickstart; I am counting the days until I can stop this madness of posting every day.

It's been a rather good thing for me. But a bit lame and pointless. Although the point was for me. Forgive me dear readers.

So . . .

Elvis

Some people are just pretty. There are so many people I could stare at forever although my momma always said that was rude. And then she'd say something snarky about that person anyway (smooches and hugs my sassy momma - miss you and your snarky tongue).

Not that I 'm not a snarky girl, but I can appreciate a beauty. Male and female. I love me some pretty.

I believe this is someone's Photoshop masterpiece. I found it on Tumblr.

Bitch Stole My Look

Okay, So That Was Lame . . .

I warned y'all! 31 days did not seem THAT long. It's only the 14th and I'm dying here!

:)

Top Ten Things On My Mind

1. Carbs - apparently it is VERY hard to stop eating them just because you are doing a challenge. Ahem.
2. . . . wait . . . something will come to mind . . .
3. Fashion. How I love love love fashion, yet I'm deep into wearing my winter uniform. Isn't fashion about wearing fashion? Well girl?
4. 31 days 21 days. Take so long, yet poof they're gone!
5. My darling Spud is both exhausting and enthralling. To me.
6. My determination to not let this winter get the upper hand needs a nudge. PLONK on your determination! Get up on it!
7. Hot lemon water before my coffee is a tough thing. I kinda love it, but right now I'm drinking both my coffee AND the lemon water.
8. That was fascinating!
9. I'm not digging very deep . . .
10. . . . ending this list!

I will leave you with this. This is what I watch whenever I need something to make me cry and laugh at the same time. 

I know!

You can thank me when you see me next.

Smooches and thank you for your patience. 

Lovin' Tater Tots

Half-hearted apologies for yesterdays video of Spud. I find all things Spud fascinating so it's hard to push the edit button. The good news is no one is forced to hit play. Gotta love that!

I do find that little Spud-Muffin the center of everything. When he wraps those little arms around my neck and clings to my waist with his strong little legs tears mostly always squirt out of my eyes. If that feeling could be packaged and marketed there would never be need for any type of depression medication. Who can feel sadness when someone that adorable, tiny, and dependent on you looks at you and loves you that way. I swoon.

Spud loves to vacuum. I'm kinda serious. Do you love the plaid jumpsuit?

Squeeze!

No agenda today. Just lovin' on my little Tater, lovin' on my Pups, and lovin' that yesterday felt like Monday and it was actually Friday! Score!

A Post a Day Keeps the Januaryitis Away

That's what I'm thinking. I'm writing every day this month just to see. Some of you may want to look away. It could get mesmerizing, oops, I might have meant, mortifying.

I weighed myself a few minutes ago and I was neither horrified nor satisfied! Which means I'm the same and that seems like a New Year Celebration right there. No damage! I am dancing in the form of walking lunges right now. Because, like it or not, January First is a good time to reinforce improvements.

January Pledges

• Write more.
• Read more.
• Laugh more. 
• Stop stressing out about people that you don't even like. Address and dismiss girl. They're fine where they are. Leave them there.
• But be nicer. Guess what? It's nice to be nice. Today was day one - Nice!
• Allow no doldrums this month. No, the sun probably won't shine, but who cares! Life is fantastic! The so-exciting-I-might-pee parts and the it's-Tuesday-and-I-get-to-watch-RHOBH parts. All good. 
• Deep as a puddle can be entertaining, but maybe only to you.
• Chubby and aged is prized in some cultures. You might want to move there! hehehe
• To fight sadness about the above, remember the lovely doctor that repeatedly hit on you during Pup's stay a couple of months ago. Took me until hit #3 to get it. #notverybright #somelikeityourway #itdidtakemymindoffwhatwashappening #deepasapuddle 
• See above and alleviate the #deepasapuddleitis you can have. Find meaning.
• With this thought, leave the hashtags to others. You are annoying more than just yourself.  :)
• Again, with this said, never give up your mad love for the emoticon. Some things are classic. Plonk!

It's a beginning. 

Did You Hear That?

A few weeks ago we went with the kids to get our tree as we do every year. This was Spud's second year getting a tree, but he was way more excited about it this year. Although it was hard to tell with everything he had on.

:)

The Big B and Bella picked their tree and Pup and I picked ours. The guy from the tree spot made fresh cuts on our stumps so the trees would drink water and then he tied them onto The Captain.

The Little Family decided not to go out to eat with us so Pup and dropped them and their tree off at their house and we traveled on our way to a local place that makes the best chicken wild rice soup with a broth base. Lovely on a chilly evening.

As we're heading onto a ramp we hear a "shush" sound. We look at each other.

"What was that?" I say. "Did you hear something?"

Pup looks out of the rear view mirror. There is our tree laying in the middle on the ramp.

What??

We back up The Captain to the dismay of the two cars that are trying to swing along the ramp.

We good-naturedly cuss them out. You know, no one ever drives as good as you do on the road yes? That's how we cuss, I mean, drive, around these parts. Lots of cussing. Lots of finger-waving. Lots of judging. I mean, who would beep at us just because we're backing up on an onramp? I ask the question!

The poor little tree. What if we hadn't heard that "shush?" We would have gone for soup, come back out, and surely thought someone had stolen our tree in a most non-Christmas way.

Oh the laughter. Oh the tears from the laughter.

Shaky! 

How you undecorating?

Start and Stop and Stop and Start

We've had a few birthdays in the past couple of weeks. Our darling Spud is one year old. How on earth? It's really going to tumble on by now isn't it?

As I say over and over, yes, he really is that beautiful.

It was Pup's birthday a couple of days ago. My sweet, sweet Pup. He's been self-reflecting and pensive since shortly after our trip in late September. A couple of unforeseen obstacles and events have shifted his thoughts here and there. The grappling with changes is provoking. It's always good! Love love love.

It was our great-niece's second birthday yesterday and we went to a lovely party at her momma and daddy's house. I was kinda in tears watching that little nugget open all of her presents and watching her oooooh and aaaaaah at each and every present. What a generous little spirit this tiny precious has. I was watching her study each card as she opened her presents. And when she was done opening, she placed all of her cards in a brown box and took a few back out to look at again. Her momma mentioned freezing time and I agree. Moments like that one need to be frozen. I know I'll always remember watching her and how you can already see the woman she will be. Sweet, smart, lovely, attentive, and amazing. Smooches to that little baby!

I only got a few incredibly crappy phone shots of her opening. My hand was not steady, I'm valiantly fighting a fall cold and was empty-headed and fuzzy-minded all of the day. Her essence is shining through even though my skills are not.

Time frozen! Can we do that just for a little bit you guys? I feel like I'm in a vortex and I'm spinning spinning. Stuck and exuberant, but forgetful and vague. Or it's the medication I'm taking.

For us, with Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, I'm attempting once again to simplify and relax with the festivities. We are sponsoring a few teenagers in lieu of gifts for Pup and myself and that always makes me feel good.

I've stopped participating in the white elephant-type exchanges with the different celebrations we attend. I know that can make me seem curmudgeonly, but I just don't need anything cluttering up my life. I do a good job with that on my own! But seriously, the stuff generally gets either thrown or donated. God I sound just like Mrs. GrumpyMcGrumpy.

:(

Rambling!

So my lovely friends-in-my-head, tell me how you're entering the upcoming celebrations? What keeps you centered and full of gratitude?

Keep the peace my hooches.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Self-indulgence today.

I want to bottle up days like yesterday and pull it out around Feb 3 or so. I do love the fall.

The First Haircut

Spud was born with an inordinate amount of hair. Rather thick for a brand new baby. Oh - I think they're called "newborns".

:)

It didn't fall out like some newborn hair does. Some got rubbed off in the back when he was tiny tiny from all the back-positioning that happens with babies now.

But the first hair he was born with has stayed.

Bella and he participated in a series of University of Minnesota studies and for one of them she had to give them a lock of Spud's hair and (I think) nail clippings. So they could measure . . . measure . . . oh I forget what they were going to measure. Great fun though. Geekness runs deep in this family and this kind of stuff outweighs just about everything else. Yes!

When Bella mentioned that she and The Big B were going to take Spud for his first haircut I begged to be an annoying part with my camera. All in I think I took 81 shots. Hoooya!

Which I was. Annoying that is.

Before

During

After

Now he looks like a little man. My adorable little potato.

Hang on all my hooches. Fall is approaching - can you feel it? I will be so sorry to let go of this perfect summer.

How you doin'?

When in Doubt, Write It Out

One thing you can say about me is . . .

Oh wait . . .

I think the truth of it is either nothing would be said or lots would be said. Never one thing.

I was thinking the other day about how I have a level of awareness around my annoying ways. Yet speak of my annoying ways always. If I'm annoying, and believe this to be true, then the annoyance should be owned and not qualified.

If you made it through that then I'm in love with you and you need to be my new best friend.

The date today is 26.07.14. I find this shocking.

Comic Relief 

I have no job.

Yes, I work for Pup and watch my Spud-Muffin, but I bring in no money on my own. Initially this didn't bother me much. In my two marriages there has been an ebb and flow with finances. Especially in my first marriage. I was a stay-at-home-momma and brought in nothing other than random part-time gigs that I would find to bolster up the monthly receivables. And eventually I had a corporate job where I made more than half of the monthlies. So for a great portion of my first marriage my Wasband made the lion's share of the dough-ray-me and for about six years I made a bit more.

But, either way, it never mattered. Wasband and I didn't butt heads too much in this part of our financial planning. Maybe in other ways, but not in this way.

Marriage #2 has been much different. I lost the corporate job a few months before we got married. I went back to school for a period (disaster) then eventually found a job in my field at what I affectionately called "The Tumbler." Again, disaster. Hilariously so, but wow, disaster. I recently found a tongue-in-cheek job description I had written for my replacement and laughed out loud I'm so damn funny. But it spoke to my level of unhappiness with that horrible job.

I ramble here . . .

Then I worked for a lovely consignment shop in a chi-chi neighborhood for a couple of years. Made NO money, but made friends that I will have forever and had a blast working in one of my favorite fields. Fashion and hunting. Because what is more gratifying than the fashion-hunt? Consignment/thrift isn't for everyone, but I love it so.

Then we bought The Firm and we decided I'd watch Spud and work for my darling husband, Pup.

All well and good.

Except I bring in no money.

It's a weird thing.

I don't think she meant any harm, but once during a conversation with a friend we were bantering about any "work" we might want or need on our person (ahem) and I mentioned a few things I wouldn't have any bad thoughts to having done. I said, "Yeah, I've heard that ________ wouldn't cost me so much and have good results." She said, "You mean it wouldn't cost Pup so much."

I was taken aback.

Pup and I are a family, but my contributions are entirely service-based, not financial. Aaaah!

And it struck me hard . . . I have no money to call my own. Probably for the first time, actually, yes, for the first time in my life.

Gah

I gotta say, writing all of this out is enlightening. This is the reason people, some people anyway, write. You can have all of these thoughts in your fucking head, but until they are written out you don't know what you really think.

Thanks my invisible community!

Ooops! How did that get in there?

Okay, that's better.

Smooches my hooches. I hug and love.

Well . . . Do They?

Last Night . . .

Pup and I were out on the deck enjoying a lovely evening and contemplating giving George a walk about in the neighborhood. He turned to me and said, "Hey - you know that twitch I get in my head the last few times we had sex? Let's go see if it happens again."

First I snorted because that man makes me laugh! Then I shot him a look and said, "That's it? That's the sweet-talking you use to get to me?"

He started laughing and holding his supposedly twitching forehead said, "You really should be writing about this stuff. I'm gold! Pure gold!"

The man thinks highly of himself! I told him I was very glad that someone does.  ;)

I won't finish the story, but I bet it goes where you wouldn't imagine it goes.

And it got me wondering why I am not writing? Don't I have plenty to say still? Oh I do! If you can take it, I can make it.

Around here in Chez Emerson-land it's been busy as everyone is busy. Doing this and that. Going here and there. I watch the Spud (darling grandson) a few days a week and I do have to admit that I am his favorite Gigi. Only because his other grandma goes by Grandma. Although I do whisper in his ear every time I see him, "Gigi is your favorite right Spud?" He favors me with his two-toofums and contemplates me with eyes I remember his momma contemplating me with back when she was 7.5 months. It's eerie and wonderful. It makes me stare at him on the daily if I have him.

He and I walk around the neighborhood. Spud in a stroller and me clutching the handles and looking at him while he reclines in his seat. His chubby thighs exposed and in the air. He swings his little legs and looks all around the neighborhood while we are moving. I make him wear a hat and while he moves his head the hat becomes askew. I stop frequently to fix it. Rather compulsively. I wonder if he'll remember any of these times we spend together. If he'll remember how he listens so seriously to Hop on Pop. I know he won't, but I feel blessed, yes BLESSED to be watching him right now.

I delight when his daddy drops him off and when he hears and sees me his sweet little face breaks out into the hugest grin. Sheesh I've become a maudlin and mushy person. At least with him. Maybe with others I've become a huger pain the ass. But we won't talk about that! Heh!

George loves that baby. Even though lots of Spud's toys squeak and some even look like one of George's toys, he never, ever touches one.

I'm certain it's way too early, but Spud's hair is taking on a ginger-look. His great-grandma (my momma) had red hair and it isn't out of the realm of possibility his could be red. We'll see. It changes on the daily. His eyes have settled into the beautiful gray blue of his daddy's eyes.

There are other things going on around here, but this is foremost on the mind today. Who knows what will be in that cavern tomorrow?

Thug Life