Thursday, December 31, 2015

Remember?

I used to LOVE blogging. It didn't matter who was listening or what I said or where I was.

Then it dried up. I didn't have any more to say. If you knew me you'd say, "Liar! You say plenty and you say it often!"

Yeah, that's true, but I'm not talking about my inappropriate yapping. Not that I do that!

::insert emoji with hands on her face, head tilted, innocent look:: (I'm really beginning to hate emojis)

Yeah, I do that sometimes. In fact, this past summer while up at the lake, early on when we were settling in, we had our dear friends over. They were helping us unpack and everything else! We were in the living room taking a break and we were talking and laughing about who knows. I made a joke about my blurting (for some reason) and my friend did her own blurt, "You should stop! Some day you're going to get stabbed!"

We all fell out laughing, but I've thought about that from time to time. I do blurt at times. And I talk about how I blurt. It seems I'm not alone with the blurting, but, probably because I talk about it too much, my blurting gets noticed. Or I'm just much worse than I think.

I didn't mean to get on here and blurt about blurting!

Maybe I did though.
I am blessed!
I've been on a research-binge the past few weeks. I'm always on the hunt for the reasons behind my problems. I won't go into the exact nature of my problems although that might be a good thing to write about eventually. A purging if you will. And maybe a good place to organize these thoughts. Because you know when the thoughts are wild I can't get no relief.

Frankly, that was the start for the research-binge. I have insomnia to a degree. For years now. I read over and fucking over how nothing is going to align with the gods in my life if I don't get the sleeping fixed. But how? I've done everything believe me. With varying degrees of success. Nothing ever everlasting.

I found a great doctor a few years ago that is helping me get balance (love him to death!). I found him just in the nick of time too I think. I was beginning to careen off road emotionally and inappropriately and that feeling is horrible. And as a woman of my age coping with these horrendous mood swings, the racing and negative thoughts, the inability to ever lose the weight I want, and the hot flashes! Holy shit the flashes. I was working retail at the time and I swear I was having at least 20-30 during a shift. I noticed them the most there because I was out in the public. Nothing more attractive than a sweaty woman helping you find an outfit or ringing up your purchase. Gah

So I found my lovely doctor and we have that part so much under control. I have maybe one or two a day! Oh blessed relief.

But no help on the insomnia.

Now, I'm not laying night after night awake like a zombie (is that what zombies do? I never jumped on the zombie wagon!), but I do not stay asleep. When those eyes pop open at 3 o'clock it's a sad sad morning.

So I fall asleep in odd places during the day. Often in the afternoons when I'm watching the sweet little Spud (he's 2 years-old now!) I'll sit down in the living room "for a minute" and oftentimes fall asleep. Dr. S says this is good. Naps are good for your heart. But I feel like I should be DOING something. You know? Not napping.

But, in addition to that, I fall asleep at the movies. Pup and I LOVE going to the movies. And there I am, asleep. We went to one recently and I gave up, rolled on my side (theatre had those lounge chairs), covered up with my pashmina, and took a $15 nap. wth

I am laughing so hard to myself right now! I didn't think I had anything to say and all of this is rolling out like silky sand.

So - long story short - or maybe just the tease of the beginning of this f-ing story - I'm sick of all this shit. Sick of knowing something is amiss.

So - while poking around for something else (isn't that always the way?) I stumbled on a vlog of a guy talking (he's not just a guy, he's a chiropractor) about this thing and that thing.

He had a little test and one of the questions was, "Do you have an intolerance of stupid people? Do you holler at people in traffic? Does no one do things right in your book? Do you walk in a room and only see the one thing out of place instead of all the in-place items?

I was dumbfounded by these questions. I thought I was just an asshole. I didn't know there could be a thing going on.

wtf??

I love this shit. I really do!

Apologies for all the swearing. That just flowed out like sewage, but maybe it was clogging my sweet innards. Heh!

So . . . here I am . . . looking for answers as I always am. I will report back.

4 comments:

T said...

"...That just flowed out like sewage, but maybe it was clogging my sweet innards..."

GIGGLING LOUDLY HERE.

I gotta address two points. The napping not-sleeping thing? I have that too. Almost without fail, every afternoon I feel a very deep sleep -- coma-like -- coming on and there's little I can do to stop it. And at night, I wake up usually around 2:30 or 3:00 -- I almost don't have to check the time, I already know it. Then eventually go back to sleep to wake up again at 5 for the gym trip. Naps have GOT to be the answer to this insanity.

And what that guys said about our reactions to others when walking into a [room]? So...yeah, I'm guilty of that too, and so what does that mean? Diagnose me, if you please.

You're fine. You're JUST fine.

And you purged. Don't you feel better already?

Karen Ann said...

Knowing there's a problem and searching for the answers no matter how long that takes is a BIG step in the right direction. Purge wherever it feels right to you, doesn't matter what anyone else might think.

My husband is a guy who walks in a room and finds the one thing amiss instead of all the stuff that's -good-. It's not easy living with that but I wouldn't trade him. I bet pup feels the same.

And when you find the answer to hotflashes, you just share that along, won't ya? Bleh.

Ms. A said...

I have a suggestion... MAGNESIUM.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Deborah said...

tPretty - I do believe you're right. Dr. S thinks (and yes! to this) that our culture focuses on "getting things done" when a little nap in the afternoon is good for everything in us. Heart health in particular! I've also read, more than once, that we're kinda wired to wake up in the middle of the night so we can have sex with our partner. Which is wonderful to send you back to sleep afterwards! I find that so interesting!

Karen - My momma was like me and your husband. And I hated it so, of course, that's the way I am. What I'm scraping the surface of right now are some environmental, nutritional, and lifestyle reasons for this. Along with other crap of course. As for hot flashes, I'm doing something that not everyone is onboard with. I'm doing bioidentical hormones with my doctor's supervision. Bios are not a big pharma thing (they're made from yams or some such craziness) so I work with my doctor's compounding pharmacist. It's a balancing act and it gets involved. But, for me, it's the best thing ever!

Ms A - I knew you would be in the loop regarding knowledge. I do take magnesium (chelated and everything) before bed, but not regularly. And I'm not always good about turning off my devices an hour before going to bed (blue light and all that). I think I need to get steady and regimented about all the things that could help this. Regular bedtime, no devices, actually TAKE the magnesium, stick with it rather than giving up. We'll see. I loved seeing your name pop up here!