Thursday, July 15, 2010

Advice

It's a slippery turd-hill isn't it?

I've volunteered it from time to time. With varying results. But who wants to hear advice? If I've asked for advice it's great. If someone wants to lecture me, get ready for me to put on my sunglasses (the best way to LOOK like you're paying attention - ha!).

We all do think we know best. We've been through it. We've tested the waters. We've seen it from the other side. Patooy! Believe me when I say, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT!
  • Nutrition - uh huh. Want to see my degree?
  • Men - second marriage. Want to hear more?
  • Raising children - I fear for my daughters when they have kids. :)
  • Making coffee - only I can do it right. Oh? You feel the same way? You're wrong.
Run when you hear me say these words, "If you ask me . . ." Because I know you haven't.

But sometimes, unrequested, I get advice from people I meet out and about. Here are two examples from just last week.

Incident #1:
I'm driving home with George (AmStaff Terrier) in the backseat of my Jeep Wrangler, Ruby. I drive it all summer with no top. George is on a leash that I loop through a handle in the front seat the then attach to my gear stick. He mostly loves being in Ruby during the summer. Wind in his large snout and all that.

George is standing in the backseat as I am driving down a residential-type city street, nearly to my turn to go home. A lady is in the right lane and I hear her say something. I don't pay too much attention. It's summer, it's a lovely day, and everyone's windows and convertible tops are down.

She turns onto my street, she turns into my DRIVEWAY! George and I get out. He is on his leash.

Woman: "I wanted to follow you and give you some advice about driving with your dog in the car."
Me: "Really? Me?"
"It's very dangerous to have a dog in a convertible."
"Excuse me"?
"Your dog could die if someone hit you from behind. He could be thrown from the car. It happened to a friend of mine"!
"Ma'am, I have my dog secured in my car."
"What?"
"Yes, he is on a leash when he's in my car."
"This happened to a friend of mine!"
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to hear that, but my dog is secured in the car."
"You know, people drive with their dogs in the back of pickups."
"My car is not a pickup. He is on a leash."
"I just had to follow you and tell you this."
"I appreciate your concern, but as you CAN SEE, my dog is on a leash."

WHAT.THE.HELL.

Incident #2:
I have just arrived at the grocery store. I see a cute, round, older, Jamaican woman unloading her cart and I offer to help. The cart is FULL of pineapples. We start chatting about the specials that are going on in the store and how delicious fruit is at this time of year.

She starts to lecture me about meat. I am a LOVER of meat. I make a joke about how a day without meat is like a day without meat. She doesn't laugh. She starts talking about colon troubles and cancer and we should only eat fruits and vegetables.

Idly, I say, "How do you get your protein? Do you eat eggs"?

She says, "No! Eggs are bad. We don't need the cholesterol."

Then she looks me up and down slowly and says, "YOU don't need the cholesterol."

Oy to the vey.

14 comments:

Blasé said...

It's probably the way you're carrying yourself??

xo

Heff said...

From now on, drive with the dog in the back while you BOTH eat meat.

Ms. Anthropy said...

I'm guilty of handing out advice and opinions, but I'm trying to stop. What's really bad is when your kids start giving YOU advice and deep down you know you really should listen! Mine keep telling me to get a life. Actually, I've heard it from more than my kids!

PS: My response to my kids... "you are my life!"

Karen said...

Ms. A, atleast get a dog :-)

And Deb, can I give you some advice? NO??... OK atleast let me make you a cup of coffee.

deb-oh-rah said...

You know what they say:

Free advice is worth the price.

Daisy said...

GOOD GRIEF!!!

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.

I think I would have had to tell each of these women "Have a better day." My nice way of saying go F*** yourself.

R. Jacob said...

I would take any advice you would give me, just as long as I could gaze into your eyes and listen to your voice! sigh.....

R. Jacob said...

yes dear...

who knew heaven was in Minnesota

The Empress said...

oh em gee.. people are so freakin' nuts.

I remember when my then 3 wk old baby was spitting up all over me in line at the grocery store, and this old bag says "your baby's spitting up."

no s**t, sherlock...

J.J. said...

That 1st lady...I have no words. Reminds me of when someone blocked me in after I pulled into a handicap space. Before I even put my car in 'park' he started lecturing me. I grabbed my placard from the glove compartment, shoved it out the window and yelled, "Are you happy NOW, @$$hole!"

"a day without meat is like a day without meat"

Hahaha!!! Can I steal that? I loves me some meat! A cousin chose vegetarianism and, after a few months, started feeling really lousy, so she went to the Dr. He asked why she was a vegetarian and she said, "Meat's bad for you." He replied, "So eat turkey. You feel lousy because you're not getting enough protein."

Joann Mannix said...

Here's my latest: I was in Sweet Tomatoes, the salad buffet, with my daughters. My daughters are teenagers and very well mannered young ladies. I'd kick their asses if they weren't. After the salads, they went off to the make your own yogurt section. Well, one of my girls was sprinkling the sprinkles onto her yogurt when the lid fell off and sprinkles rained down all over the floor.

Being girls and not knowing what to do, they started giggling in mortification and ran over to tell me what they had done. I was just deciphering what they were telling me as they talked over each other and I was about to notify someone when this lady stormed up and started lecturing me about my girls. She said the girls had no right to laugh over spilled sprinkles, that this was a serious matter and they should have called someone over immediately to pick it up. I told her we were in the process of doing that. But that only enraged her and she started yelling and I mean YELLING about the sprinkles and how her handicapped child could trip on them, if he'd been there with her and then my girls would have been responsible for hurting the handicapped.

It was a little extreme seeing as how her kid wasn't even there and she was accusing my girls of hurting the handicapped with spilled sprinkles.

She ended up getting so enraged that the manager came over and escorted her back to her table. We decided that was a good time to leave.

I don't know what is wrong with people.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

ooooooh, that kind of shit really burns my butt. i would have told her to mind her own beezwax.

Marnie said...

She followed you to your house?!? What a nutter!

Fruit is good for you, but too much can rott your teeth and if combined poorly cause problems. I guess she had too much pineapple :0P

Deborah said...

B-man - Could be, could be.

Heff - I never eat and drive.

Ms A - I'm with Karen on this one!

Karen - Let's have coffee! You can make the scones.

Deb - Truth girl.

Daisy - OMG girl! Once again I am cleaning my keyboard. That is great. I have a friend that always says, "well bless your heart" when he's annoyed beyond believe with someone. Love that one too.

RJ - I'm blushing!

Empress - Ha!

J.J. - Protein! It's what's for breakfast.

Joann - wth right? That woman must be friends with my women.

Lucky Gun - I know she meant well, but that's the kind of thing that can get you some stitches. Ha!

Marnie - exactly! A little fruit goes a long way. Give me some steak.