Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I Love the Smell of Regret in the Morning

I'm going into an office regularly the past few weeks. No, I don't have a job yet, but I'm working in Pup's office putting my education to work.

He's training me on a few things.

Have you been trained on anything by your husband? You have? Does he still have his nipples (Pup actually hides his when we're having a 'discussion' ala Doug from King of Queens).

I'm being trained on a simple, yet many stepped process. Involving so many steps. Damn! These accountant-types are so exacting! WTH? What's a few missed steps? (Witness Pup clutching not only his nipples, but his heart.)

A few of you have been in my brain. You know this can't be easy.

The first session went well. I only said he was mean four or five times and I should file a grievance with Human Resources because I don't think your boss is supposed to run into your office randomly to squeeze your boobies or exclaim, "Show me Felix"! But that's how we roll at The Firm.

In the first training, I diligently made notes. A few pages worth. He was throwing lots of terms and phrases at me. I'm sure talk like this was a panty-dropper in his past, but no panties were dropping. I'm all about working when I'm at The Firm.

At the second training session, I take out my notes to start the process and I draw a blank. The notes look like they were written in Latin. Or by a first grader. You pick. What the hell was I talking about?

I throw my hands in the air, "None of this makes sense"! I say. "I can't tell how to begin."

"What do you mean Sweetie? Let's start this payroll."

Pup looks at me over his reading glasses with a look in his eye. Could that be regret? Could it be the realization that I'm not really born to do this kind of work? Could it be he needs to wait a hot minute before thinking me totally goofusy?

The hardest thing about training someone is they aren't in your head understanding everything being done. I've trained people in the past. It's hard to not think them dumbasses.

Poor Pup. He wants help. He needs help. I'm available.

"Let's start writing procedures." I say in my corporate-voice. "I'm going to write every step down. Every step.

Again he looks at me. He can tell I mean it.

We go through the process once more. I'm writing every step down.

He looks at me over his glasses again. He has a look in his eye. Could that be hope?

It will be good. It's just hard to see the end when you're at the beginning.

Meanwhile, me and Felix close the door to our office and work.


Sarah said...

"run into your office randomly to squeeze your boobies"

Ah God! I'm crying over here.

R. Jacob said...

Ah, the perks of being the boss!

Marnie said...

I think you will do just fine. The first 3 months is the learning curve phase.

I love the fact he covers his nipples...lmao! Purple nurple Pupp.

Anonymous said...

Did R. Jacob say PERKY? Oh... guess he said PERKS. Ahh, boob jokes, gotta love 'em.

You had me rolling on the floor with this post. :-))


Ca88andra said...

I don't know how you do it - I couldn't imagine being trained by my husband (ex) or any other closely related male. Well done!

Shabbygal said...

You are one brave gal! I couldn't be trained by my hubby! There would be blood involved! I just can't help but wonder did you post this on work time? Now get to work! Traci

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

My wife NEVER lets me train her. Her loss -- I know a lot of important stuff.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I worked for my dad, as his secretary, for 16 years. He 'taught' me how to do the work he needed to have done. Then I'd do it my own way when he was out of the office, which was most of the time.

And I suck at math. I had 2 brothers try to teach me Algebra and I (barely) passed the class...but I can type like a pro!

Sandra said...

I think if your boss calls you "Sweetie" that's code for "I'll give you a raise if you go under the desk for 3 minutes."...just sayin'...

Kelley said...

Ha! So funny! I love how you compared your interaction as being Dougesque. I love Doug!!

Karen said...

LOL... I love Doug too :-) Now there's your next HOt Guy Friday!!!

Husband and I do not work well together - both impatient, especially me with instructions.

Deborah said...

Sarah - sorry sweetie! Although TMI never bothers you. smooches

RJ - we'd have to ask Pup is the pros outweigh the cons. Ha!

Marnie - He's all over the doug.

Di - well, we are talking about MY boobies so perky might be misleading. hehehe Although they are still perfect if I stand underwater.

Ca88 - It's going very good considering!

Traci - of course not! hehehe

LBB - I'm certain you do. Pup thinks so as well.

JJ - if you can believe, I type over 100 wpm! So old school.

Sandra - well duh!

Kelley - Doug is my boy. Love them nipples.

Karen - it can be very challenging!

Lo Lo said...

You should tell Pup to start calling you sugar-britches... I hear that one REALLY helps in the motivation dept. ;)

Trooper Thorn said...

I address all my staff as "Sweetie" too. Could this be a problem?

J.J. in L.A. said...

I believe it. I think my score in high school was 80-something wpm.

Deborah said...

Lo Lo - I am totally stealing that. Only since you retired the term. Ha!

Trooper - In my world it's not a problem.

JJ - That's pretty damn good!

Marla said...

Holy Toledo! You are killing me over here!! LOL