Saturday, May 1, 2010


image courtesy of

Reprinted from

Jacoby Smith beat up quadruple amputee girlfriend in self-defense

Jacoby Laquan Smith says he will turn himself in to St. Paul police this week for what must be the most unmanly crime on record: domestically abusing his armless, legless girlfriend.

Smith allegedly punched Tiesha Bell in the face 10 times during the March 22 incident and faces a misdemeanor fifth degree assault charge and a gross misdemeanor for interfering with a 911 call.

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don't let that fool you--Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith told the Pioneer Press.

Smith said that prior to the domestic dispute, Bell was cheating on him.

That's right, Smith was being cuckolded by a quadruple amputee. That can't be good for the self-esteem.

He turned on the TV and Bell got mad, he says. She punched him in the groin with her deadly nub and then proceeded to dowse him in urine from a bed pan.

Yes, after being cuckolded by the quadruple amputee, she gave him a golden shower.

So you see, your honor, Smith punched the quadruple amputee in self-defense. He rests his case.

(By the way, Bell still plans to marry him. "We both need anger management," she said.)


I'm in Mad Jack's this afternoon, having some tea and a few deep fried cheese curds when I start howling with laughter while reading The City Pages.

I was laughing so hard that the server came over to see if she had to choke me with her non-nubs.

The woman choked the dude with her nubbins Your Honor! Then she drenched him in less-than-holy water. Surely she should be punished!

Oh dear god, people are the best. How can you ever ever be bored in a world such as ours?


Ms. Anthropy said...

Deep fried cheese curds? What the heck is that?

J.J. said...

Them cripples are bitches! lol! And I can say that because I'm a w/c user. ; )

I can't believe she's still gonna marry him! The woman needs self-esteem classes!

Ca88andra said...

You mean it was a true story???

Blasé said...

Never underestimate what a woman can do when in a bad mood, Mrs D.

If I were at "Mad Jack's", I'd most likely be peeking over my "The City Pages" and lusting after your nubs...

R. Jacob said...

Some people exist to make me look smarter.

Deborah said...

Ms A - I put a link from Wiki in the post just for you. I think I forget that ya'll aren't my neighbors.

J.J. - The woman is amazing to me. Except that she's with such a douche-canoe.

Ca88 - true story. How could you make something like that up yes?

Mr. B-man - I do believe I do not have anything nubbin-like on my chest.

RJ - Isn't that the damn truth? Every time I'm feeling less-than, I will reread this story.

Ms. Anthropy said...

Sounds yummy! Mad Jack's looks awesome.

Karen said...

Cheese curds... deep fried, huh?...

Blasé said...

I wasn't referring to your chest, Mrs. D.

I notice the lil' things of a woman, as well as the HUGE!

Deborah said...

Mr B-man - I know you do. I was being a smart alec. I should leave the witty repartee to the experts yes?


Marla said...

Bloody hell .......

Sometimes people make my head hurt. Seriously. I refuse to believe Jerry Springer and his/these people are real. This is all just a bad dream. Somebody wake me.

Heff said...

I guess what they say is true : once you have a woman with no legs, you never go back....