Never

It's weird that when you're in a thing. When you're in a way. When you're in it and can't crawl out. It's weird because people don't notice. Or they don't want to notice. Or they're scared of noticing. Or you don't notice them noticing. But my pets notice. Talk about empaths! They're on me like butter on toast. It's annoying entirely. It's comforting.

I'm tired. So tired. I sleep fitfully as I do and yet want to sleep all the time. I had my little nugget here the other day and he took a very long nap and I did as well. Just lay down on the couch and slept. Groggy when I heard him awake. Groggy all the time.

Pup gets home and we eat dinner, I clean up, we sit on the couch where after a few minutes I say, "I'm coming in" which means I'm going to lay on him and I fall asleep. I sleep all evening. Then I get up and say, "I'm going to bed."

Then start again the next day.

Sleeping

TV

Reading

Nothing

I resent any plans I've made or had to make. The thought of the holidays coming up scare me not a little. I wanted to host Thanksgiving and I am, but it's looming and I feel overwhelmed. Gah

Christmas has been bad for me since I left my Wasband. His birthday is Christmas day so I've never spent the eve or the day with my kids since then. Bam - never. Pup and I are always alone. It shouldn't matter, but it gets me every year. This year we had picked the day after for our celebration, but the girls thought it would be nice to go to the cabin and have stay overs over the weekend of the 21st. But that overwhelmes me. I have to bring Christmas there? I wanted to decorate my new house with a huge real tree and celebrate here. I love the thought of waking to my family, but Pup and I will still be alone on the days. And no one will see our Christmas.

I remember wondering why my own momma stopped thinking she had to set up a tree. Why bother when no one is going to see it? This isn't what I thought having a family would be. I thought having kids would guarantee no loneliness, but I'm lonely. So . . . I had unrealistic expectations around that. I don't get Christmas. I don't get Thanksgiving all the time.

We teach people how to treat us. I've not wanted to be a pain and because of that I am a pain. I'm the one who broke up our home. I'm to blame for that and more. I'm the one. I don't get Christmas.

It feels selfish to want Christmas sometimes. I want my own family around me sometimes on the days of Christmas.

But they get to choose how they have their own family Christmas. I'm just not part of that any longer.

When my momma died my dad remarried right away and moved away. We never saw him for Christmas again.

Pup and I need to have our own plan for Christmas and I need to snap out of it.

But I have no snap left. I need to collagen up on my snap for fuck's sake.