Monday, July 1, 2019

It's Not You - It's Me

All the time I feel as though I cannot fully catch my breath. A catch in the back of my throat that either is going to propel me into a bit of crying or a bit of loud sighing or a bit of self-(fill in the blank) that I cannot fully realize or embrace or believe or possess. An unnamed bit of something (!) in the back of my throat/mind that isn't comfortable. Damn it is uncomfortable! What is it?

I look and look for the reason or cause. I take notes. I make a plan. I sit on that plan. Why do I sit on the plan? It does seem that the further I dip into this actualization or awareness or grasp of what I'm looking for, the more treacherous and perilous things seem. They really aren't that way, but I cannot catch my breath thinking about the risk. All the thoughts and spoken/unspoken words and things left undone or done and wrongs or rights. All of this stuff. This confusing stuff. Stuff I feel I should have a handle on. I don't have a handle on it. I don't even have a handle to grab.

The thing I've thought about all the time is making me unable to catch my breath because it caught me. I know there is a way to wriggle out of this snare if I were only smarter or more clever or less inclined to sit on the damn plan. I'm smart. I know how it is. I don't know how it was. There's the blemish in my plan. I think I know how, but clearly I do not.

What a bunch of prattle. But in the end - I cannot catch my breath and I need it.

Room with a View
View in a Room
No View Here

3 comments:

Karen Ann said...

Well, Damn, Girl! I didn't know you were blogging again - probably for years? LOL.. so glad you found me again... and I hope you find what's snagging you. Life is too short.

K


Deborah said...

Karen Ann - I don't know if you'll see this, but I wanted to say how lovely to see your face here! Crazy how far back when I think about all of this blogging. I remember your first blog that went bye bye because things were a tad strange around these lands for a while. I read blogs and probably always will. I love visiting yours and T's and a few others. The good ones stick. xxoo

Karen Ann said...

Well I'm so glad I found you again! Yes, that asshat made me cancel the first blog, shame on me for allowing him to get under my skin.. I can't even remember the stupid name he gave himself now... Onward!