Primal Blueprint 21-Day Challenge,

I've done this the past couple of years (I think?) and always find it a great reboot for January. This year they added an app for iPhones (I'm a Samsung girl so boo-hoo on this) and also for desktops. So I'm running the app on my trusty computers and love the interactive interface. Every day you check-off tasks or answer questions that go out to the 21-Day Challenge community.

I've had a long long love affair with Marks Daily Apple. So here we go!

Sunday Morning

Anxiety

Courtesy of lol-rofl.com

Small confession. Small part of a confession? You invisible people out there might be my therapists because let's face it, therapists give me anxiety!

In my 40s I started having anxiety. I didn't even know what to call it, but I'd have swirly thoughts, started having a hard time falling asleep because of all the insane thoughts in my head. Then during the day I'd have swirly thoughts. The trouble with swirly thoughts is no one else really knows you're having them and if you lash out they are generally left scratching their heads wondering, "WTF?"

I'd get worked up, heart thumping, mind jumping, turning all of those molehills into huge ugly mountains.

When I first got divorced 10 years ago I started having panic attacks. Holy Hannah. Those are fun. The first one I had I remember vividly. I had something to do or somewhere to be, was getting ready, and bam - there it was. I remember feeling exactly how I felt when I did Speed back in my 20s. I never really liked that feeling and that might be where I first discovered, delightedly, that a life of drugs was not for me.

The panic attack can be described in my experience as doom. I felt an impending doom. It made me keep taking deep deep breaths. Like I just needed to breath (isn't the body a wondrous thing?), like I just needed a minute.

Except you can't get that minute and no amount of air makes you feel better. Doom. Something BAD is going to happen. Something very bad. Luckily, for me, nothing BAD ever did happen. Except the anxiety.

Gah

In our family we have joked over the years about the L-Family Mental Illness. We'd joke how we do this crazy and that crazy, but we're still lovable.

Gah

I don't particularly feel lovable all the time. I think this anxiety helps me keep people at arms length. I don't want too many too close and when they are too close I push them away with a bit of bad behavior.

I know you can't change what you don't acknowledge so I am saying this out loud here in my little confession-land. It feels safe here although that is simply a crazy thing to say! This is the most unsafe place (meaning internet-land), but it feels safe because I don't really know who might be here and this emboldens me.

How strange and magical that is.

Change can take place now that it is acknowledged. I will hang on to that.

Wowzers! Fantastic and wonderful!

Love and smooches to all of my therapists.

American Gigolo

Armani

Mercedes

Bottega Veneta

Lauren Hutton

Richard Gere

I was up too early this morning and when I turned on the fireplace and television in the Big Room this movie was on. Swoon on the 80s decor and fashion. Not so swoon on the movie itself. I kinda watched it with the sound off.

But the visuals! Whooooo ha . . .

Phrases that Grate - or How to Make Hashbrowns! Not Really.

It is what it is.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I mean?

Whatever.

Umm . . . (I'm so guilty of this one.)

That's SICK!

So basically . . .

I literally . . . 

Ma'am, please; no shirt, no pants, no service. (damn!)

~~~~~~~~

I am guilty of each and every one!

What are the words or phrases that could curl your hair? Straighten your hair? Make you long for your hair?

Are You Ever Done Decorating?

I have a popcorn ceilings with sparkly sprinkles in my house.

I have the mellow yellow hardwood floors with small planks. Old as hell. In a couple of our rooms we think the wood is either over 100 years old or nearly.

I have slatted blinds, some plastic, in every room nearly. Oy vey the dust.

I have rooms that have not been repainted since 2003 or so (I think).

I have newish rugs in the living room and dining room that I regret getting.

I have a loft bedroom that is not not not cute. Could be. Is not.

I have telephones you have to dial.

I have some furniture from Ikea.

I have a bathroom that can only be described as a mashup of the unpopular.

I have a set of antlers up in the Big Room from a deer I hit with a Jeep Wagoneer in the 90s. Just read on a decorating site how "tired" this look is. Sigh!!

~~~~~~~~~

I love to decorate. And I hate it. No, that's a lie. I love it.

This list is not a complaining list. It's just a list. I love my house. But after the holidays you can't help but look around and see a few things that could be changed, things that you will never change, and things that you can't wait to change.

I'm picking slowly!

Meanwhile, here is what I landed on for the new pendants in the kitchen. I'm now on the hunt for some type of different light bulbs. Regular bulbs cast a very harsh light since there is no translucent shade to buffer it. Ideas?

Cat on counter. Don't judge. Mess everywhere. Judge away!  :)

The Standoff

I think it got up to about 0 degrees yesterday.

When Spud went to sleep for his morning nap I went into the laundry room to wash a huge pile of towels that I we constantly have. Huge pile. Wet towels. I'm a towel nut apparently. The bin in the laundry for dirty towels in nearly always full or getting there.

I fill my front loader, put in the perfect (ahem) mixture of laundry soap and Oxyclean (how do I love thee Oxyclean??) Hit the magic sequence on the dashboard and I hear . . .

errrrrrr  errrrrr  errrr

Memory immediately tells me, frozen pipes.

Oh crapski!! Shiite and shinola! Why do I live here? It's freakin' cold! Damn and damnation!

Okay, I might have uttered a different set of words, but you get my drift.

I call Pup.

"The laundry room pipes are frozen!" I exclaim.

"Wha?" says my flummoxed Pup.

"Yes!" I repeat myself.

"Okay," he says. "Okay, you need to go downstairs, check the plugs, and plug in the heat tape."

My mind goes blank pretty much after, "Okay." Following complicated directions for taking care of the downstairs stuff flummoxes me! In the end, nothing I did helped and nothing was working and pipes remained frozen.

Grrr!!

Pup comes home. We discuss. He looks at me with his Pup-look. You might know a similar look. The look I myself might have when we discover the dog has poopied in the Big Room because we were gone too long. The look that says, I don't want to do what I know I have to do.

We stare at each other for a few minutes. Me with a determined look that says (and I might have even said this out loud), "I will not be schlepping dirty clothes to that horrible laundromat. Nope."

His stare says, "I won't, won't, won't crawl into that yucky place! I won't!" I swear I even saw his bottom lip poke out for a second or two.

Pup has this look because he knows he has to crawl into a crawl space under our dining room. It's kinda horrible there and I wouldn't want to do it.

He makes a few calls. Asks for a bit of advice. He runs to hell the Home Depot. Comes home with a solution. He schleps all of it downstairs where I hear about 20 minutes of, "Crapski! Shiite and shinola! Why do we live here? It's freakin' cold! Damn and damnation!"

You all know I'm lying. His language is colorful and peppered with things that would make a sailor blush (hey, why do we assume sailors swear like hell? Hmm . . . wondering . . . )

This morning, I wander into the laundry room, try the water, PLONK! It's running and the towels are washing as I write.

Oh I love that man. That pouty, don't-want-to-do-it man!

Honestly, I hate cleaning up after the dog and totally get it. Some adult tasks are horrible!

Smooches and how you stayin' warm?

How You Sayin' Hello?

I was thinking this morning about a story an old friend told me a while ago about a time when she, along with her husband, visited her brother and his wife. I do know she has a difficult relationship with this particular brother, but the story struck me at the time.

They arrived at her brother's busy house. If memory serves (mine doesn't always serve the most nutritious stuff, but I'll try) her brother had a set of twin teenagers at the time and maybe another child? Busy and energetic house as I'm imagining. The part of the story I do remember her telling me is after arriving at her brother's house, she and her husband took themselves into the living room even though her brother and his family were hanging out in the kitchen/family room area.

I couldn't figure that part out, but she was really angry about this. Angry that her brother left her husband and herself in the living room alone. I didn't say anything, but my mind was screaming, "Why? Why weren't you in the kitchen with the rest of the family?"

Looking back, I believe she wanted to be angry with her brother. Given their tenuous relationship I can only imagine why the brother left the two of them in the living room. I imagined the house as large and noisy and energetic and the place to hang out would have been in the family room with the rest of the family. I still puzzle on this one.

At the recent Pup Family Christmas that we co-hosted I had a few family members say, "Edith was here all day and never said a word to me." "Arthur sat there and never spoke to me."

When I hear others say this, I realize how idiotic it sounds. Because, yes, I've said those words as well. "They never talked to me all day." Which means I didn't talk to them. But I don't think any of us see it that way in the moment.

We sit in our seclusion, waiting for someone else to make the first move. Which isn't going to work in a family or situation where the others are waiting for the first move to come from you.

With the Pup Family, when first introduced so many years ago, the family dynamic was to not speak to the new person, which happened to be me. They are a more inclusive and perhaps shy bunch at the outset. And myself, as the new person, spring boarded off of this and I became the one who did not speak first. Probably because deep in me is that watch-and-wait thing that feeds into a bit of my introversion.

Of course, all these years later, I know some of them very well, some not so well, and some not at all. That's how it is sometimes yes? But it is never fair of me to say about anyone, "He didn't talk to me. I sat here all day and he didn't talk to me." Make the effort, silly! You'll soon find out if they want to speak to you or not.

I do love how no matter what your age, if your mind is open you can make changes. But only to yourself as I have to remind MYSELF constantly. Being loud and stubborn isn't going to make a heap of difference to anyone else.

If not, you'll find yourself sitting in the living room all alone while everyone else is in the family room having the best time.

Quote

Lovin' Tater Tots

Half-hearted apologies for yesterdays video of Spud. I find all things Spud fascinating so it's hard to push the edit button. The good news is no one is forced to hit play. Gotta love that!

I do find that little Spud-Muffin the center of everything. When he wraps those little arms around my neck and clings to my waist with his strong little legs tears mostly always squirt out of my eyes. If that feeling could be packaged and marketed there would never be need for any type of depression medication. Who can feel sadness when someone that adorable, tiny, and dependent on you looks at you and loves you that way. I swoon.

Spud loves to vacuum. I'm kinda serious. Do you love the plaid jumpsuit?

Squeeze!

No agenda today. Just lovin' on my little Tater, lovin' on my Pups, and lovin' that yesterday felt like Monday and it was actually Friday! Score!

A Post a Day Keeps the Januaryitis Away

That's what I'm thinking. I'm writing every day this month just to see. Some of you may want to look away. It could get mesmerizing, oops, I might have meant, mortifying.

I weighed myself a few minutes ago and I was neither horrified nor satisfied! Which means I'm the same and that seems like a New Year Celebration right there. No damage! I am dancing in the form of walking lunges right now. Because, like it or not, January First is a good time to reinforce improvements.

January Pledges

• Write more.
• Read more.
• Laugh more. 
• Stop stressing out about people that you don't even like. Address and dismiss girl. They're fine where they are. Leave them there.
• But be nicer. Guess what? It's nice to be nice. Today was day one - Nice!
• Allow no doldrums this month. No, the sun probably won't shine, but who cares! Life is fantastic! The so-exciting-I-might-pee parts and the it's-Tuesday-and-I-get-to-watch-RHOBH parts. All good. 
• Deep as a puddle can be entertaining, but maybe only to you.
• Chubby and aged is prized in some cultures. You might want to move there! hehehe
• To fight sadness about the above, remember the lovely doctor that repeatedly hit on you during Pup's stay a couple of months ago. Took me until hit #3 to get it. #notverybright #somelikeityourway #itdidtakemymindoffwhatwashappening #deepasapuddle 
• See above and alleviate the #deepasapuddleitis you can have. Find meaning.
• With this thought, leave the hashtags to others. You are annoying more than just yourself.  :)
• Again, with this said, never give up your mad love for the emoticon. Some things are classic. Plonk!

It's a beginning. 

A Pendant for Your Thoughts

Do any of you guys Houzz? It's one of my favorite ways to relax and ideaize. Along with Pinterest. Hanging out on Houzz, getting ideas, placing ideas in your idea books, can be the best place to research and relax.

During our Pup Family Christmas, (35 to 40 people I think) along with the normal chaos, one of my kitchen pendants got broken in a can't-ever-replicate-that kind of accident. I did kinda love my pendant lights, but the opportunity to get something new is never a bad thing in my mind.

Seeing this, I am really going to miss these globes. It will last one minute after I put the new ones up. 

So I'm paging through Houzz and Pinterest looking at globe after globe.

Pup wants to go for something similar with what we had in the beginning.

I say he doesn't get a vote.

:)

Okay - of course he gets a vote. Although we all know what that means. No vote. Vicious!

I say switch it up Deborah! There are two newish globe styles that are interesting to me. The problem is, as it always is, to not fall into trend-traps. I'm highly gifted there. At spotting trends. I start doing and wearing things a bit before they hit main-street. I don't know why I have this gift. Maybe there is a little bit of the Psychic Network working in this vast noggin? Or I'm a bit of an idiot savant in this. Although I do not have a good memory. Okay - I'm just an idiot.

Either way - I have a gift. Hey - I avoided those bowls on top of sink cabinets didn't I? Brilliant! And I've only bought a vintage leather skirt and saved about $200 on that particular trend. Sexy as hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy New Year Friends-in-My-Head!

Did You Hear That?

A few weeks ago we went with the kids to get our tree as we do every year. This was Spud's second year getting a tree, but he was way more excited about it this year. Although it was hard to tell with everything he had on.

:)

The Big B and Bella picked their tree and Pup and I picked ours. The guy from the tree spot made fresh cuts on our stumps so the trees would drink water and then he tied them onto The Captain.

The Little Family decided not to go out to eat with us so Pup and dropped them and their tree off at their house and we traveled on our way to a local place that makes the best chicken wild rice soup with a broth base. Lovely on a chilly evening.

As we're heading onto a ramp we hear a "shush" sound. We look at each other.

"What was that?" I say. "Did you hear something?"

Pup looks out of the rear view mirror. There is our tree laying in the middle on the ramp.

What??

We back up The Captain to the dismay of the two cars that are trying to swing along the ramp.

We good-naturedly cuss them out. You know, no one ever drives as good as you do on the road yes? That's how we cuss, I mean, drive, around these parts. Lots of cussing. Lots of finger-waving. Lots of judging. I mean, who would beep at us just because we're backing up on an onramp? I ask the question!

The poor little tree. What if we hadn't heard that "shush?" We would have gone for soup, come back out, and surely thought someone had stolen our tree in a most non-Christmas way.

Oh the laughter. Oh the tears from the laughter.

Shaky! 

How you undecorating?

Christmastime Quote

  Christmas Gift Suggestions

• To your enemy, forgiveness. 
• To an opponent, tolerance. 
• To a friend, your heart. 
• To a customer, service. 
• To all, charity. 
• To every child, a good example. 
• To yourself, respect.

~Oren Arnold, Author

Once Bad Always Bad?

Seeing the world in black and white. Do you think you do that? Once someone is deemed bad they can never again be seen as good? Or are you gray? Seeing things from both sides?

Gray is my favorite color of late around my house and around my person. What does this say about me?

Grey or gray (see spelling differences) is an intermediate color between black and white. It is a neutral or achromatic color, meaning literally that it is a color "without color." It is the color of a cloud-covered sky, of ash and of lead.

A cloud-covered sky.

Pup and I are watching The Affair. At first blush; from just reading the title; you, and I frankly, may think, "Nope, I don't want this. I don't want to be witness to something uncomfortable. Something so bad."

And then you watch. It's complex. Layered. Showing over and over how things are never, ever black and white. No one correct way. No one wrong way. Not that once an asshole always an asshole. That once you think this you can never think that.

The sad situation in Ferguson, the personal violence erupting in sports, immigrants in your town, young, troubled boys looking for an anchor - looking for their place, bad parents. My list could go for miles.

Or when you think about opinions you have formed about events, people, areas of the country, family. Once you think one way can you be swayed into thinking another way?

I remember a story my dad told when I was little about a girl he was dating before meeting my momma. The girl was pretty and he liked her very much. One night out on a date, they were tickling and wrestling as young people in the beginnings of a relationship do. The girl farted. My dad broke up with her. Just like that. His opinion of her changed. From infatuation to distaste. Plonk.

I was a little girl that was always in her head and that story changed how I thought about people. I began realizing that there are reasons for experiences, reasons for change in your life that you will never know about. Why you didn't get that job, why that boy broke up with you, why a friend stopped calling you back, why you don't feel close, why someone loves you.

I've changed my mind about people and situations a million times over. Sometimes it pisses me off and sometimes it makes me happy. And sometimes it makes me wonder if I do not have a backbone. If I am easily swayed. Or if I am ornery in my singular and lonely thoughts.

I mean, once at a family meeting here at Chez Emerson, I stood up from my chair and shouted at a sister-in-law, "You're WRONG. This is what is right."

What.the.hell.

We laughed about it in the moment, but that has harassed my thoughts from time to time. Filling me with laughter and tears.

Once again, I am working through something here on paper (sic). Something I didn't even know I needed to work through! Oh the magic that early morning can provide!

I wish this would start a dialogue. I long for a dialogue! Do any of you feel similarly? Do you covet a black and white approach or do you want your mind blown open for possibilities? Possibilities seem wonderful, but they are limiting in their limitlessness.

Oh damn!

Start and Stop and Stop and Start

We've had a few birthdays in the past couple of weeks. Our darling Spud is one year old. How on earth? It's really going to tumble on by now isn't it?

As I say over and over, yes, he really is that beautiful.

It was Pup's birthday a couple of days ago. My sweet, sweet Pup. He's been self-reflecting and pensive since shortly after our trip in late September. A couple of unforeseen obstacles and events have shifted his thoughts here and there. The grappling with changes is provoking. It's always good! Love love love.

It was our great-niece's second birthday yesterday and we went to a lovely party at her momma and daddy's house. I was kinda in tears watching that little nugget open all of her presents and watching her oooooh and aaaaaah at each and every present. What a generous little spirit this tiny precious has. I was watching her study each card as she opened her presents. And when she was done opening, she placed all of her cards in a brown box and took a few back out to look at again. Her momma mentioned freezing time and I agree. Moments like that one need to be frozen. I know I'll always remember watching her and how you can already see the woman she will be. Sweet, smart, lovely, attentive, and amazing. Smooches to that little baby!

I only got a few incredibly crappy phone shots of her opening. My hand was not steady, I'm valiantly fighting a fall cold and was empty-headed and fuzzy-minded all of the day. Her essence is shining through even though my skills are not.

Time frozen! Can we do that just for a little bit you guys? I feel like I'm in a vortex and I'm spinning spinning. Stuck and exuberant, but forgetful and vague. Or it's the medication I'm taking.

For us, with Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, I'm attempting once again to simplify and relax with the festivities. We are sponsoring a few teenagers in lieu of gifts for Pup and myself and that always makes me feel good.

I've stopped participating in the white elephant-type exchanges with the different celebrations we attend. I know that can make me seem curmudgeonly, but I just don't need anything cluttering up my life. I do a good job with that on my own! But seriously, the stuff generally gets either thrown or donated. God I sound just like Mrs. GrumpyMcGrumpy.

:(

Rambling!

So my lovely friends-in-my-head, tell me how you're entering the upcoming celebrations? What keeps you centered and full of gratitude?

Keep the peace my hooches.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Self-indulgence today.

I want to bottle up days like yesterday and pull it out around Feb 3 or so. I do love the fall.

ROCK at the KOA

I'm taking a class.

One of the surprising things talked about last week in class was the importance of a blog. In a different context, but the importance was stressed. Fresh content. Relevant content. Informative content. With lists. Lots of lists. People love lists. I love lists.

These days when I go on Facebook one of my favorite things to check out are links to lists.

• 10 Ways to Shop for Shoes
• 9 Mistakes You're Making at the Gym
• 8 Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Happiness
• 7 Things to Throw Away Today
• 6 Ideas You Didn't Know You Had
• 5 Celebrities That Are Dumb as a Box of Rocks

None of us want to have to dig too deep into a topic at first blush, but a pithy list? Bring it!

I am a list-maker. Always have been. From what I'm reading, my list-making is keeping me on task and organized.

OMG

I fear what would happen if I stopped my lists!

But I list-on. I've even, following my smart and lovely daughters in their lead, began using a handheld day planner again. Then the lists can be accompanied by check-offs. Oh those satisfying check-offs! Love love love this my hooches.

~~~~~~~~~~

Pup and I traveled around in our little Rigatoni RV for 10 days last month. I might tell a few stories eventually, but lets say that mostly what we learned is that we really do make each other laugh, that our dog is adorable, that we love living where we do, and mountains are beautiful to look at, but from a distance.

:)

There were a few times where I thought I was on a different planet! Our countryside is as varied as clever wine names.

Oh nummy! Wine! I think a glass of Ménage à Trois is in order!

What the heck?

A shot . . . or two . . .

We stayed in lots of KOAs across the land and I have to say that after a long day of sightseeing and defying death, it's so nice to come home to wifi, cable, sewer and water, and our cozy, big, over-the-cab bed. We were the smallest rig every night in those KOAs. How do those people drive an entire house around the country?  Some of those RVs are amazingly huge. Pup and I did laugh every night pulling in with our little Rigatoni. We looked a bit 1980s because, well, Rigatoni IS 1980s.

But it has a bathroom, hot water heater, a furnace, an oven, and a tiny TV for movies. Perfect for two bone-tired travelers at the end of the day.

We would sit at the tiny table and plot out the day to follow. How many miles, where we would stop, and what we would see.

Most heavenly!

Smooches!

I Love Sitting in a Bar

I know that sounds bad. But I do. I love all the chatter, and energy, and good lookin' people, and laughter. I love the young and generally adorable servers. I love how they will bring me anything I want within reason.

I had the best day yesterday.

In the morning I scrubbed and vacuumed our camper, The Burn Unit (we lit on fire a couple of years ago), to get ready for a trip Pup and I are taking around the world. Well, maybe not exactly around the world, but around a few places.

It was, from what the weather-boys were saying, maybe the last warmish day for a while and the dew points were sky-high. I let my hair air dry all morning which always makes for an interesting hair day. Boooya! That camper looks nice though. It really suffered from last years trip down that long winding trail into the woods with the kids. Sadly, we can never bring it down there again. Can you see my sad face?

So . . . chores finished I headed out in The Captain (our Honda Pilot) to pick up my Shelley-Belly where we relaxed with mani/pedi's and then went for cocktails outside at one of my favorite places.

Sitting outside at a bar here in Minnesota can be a couple of things. It can be too windy, the sun can be glaring in your eyes, it can be so f-ing hot you sweat into your fish tacos, or the venue is on an exhaust-blowing avenue. Bitch much?

Yesterday was not like that. Perfect. Gentle breeze, overcast just the perfect amount, even with the dew points the temp a perfect setting. Good food, my beloved Makers Mark, and good conversation punctuated with loud (from my end) peals of laughter.

I didn't want to leave. Why can't I just spend my life sitting in an elegant bar, sipping my bourbon, laughing and talking?

Hmm?

I kid! But yesterday did remind me of an outing I took many years ago with the Wasband and another couple.

We had gone to a wonderful Minneapolis landmark, Nye's Polonaise Room, for the start of our day together. I had ordered a rum and diet, which was my drink at that time, had taken my first sip, and hollered out, "Hey! Did you put ANY diet coke in here?"

The barkeep immediately hollered back, "If that's what you want, get your ass to Applebee's!"

We all fell out laughing and laughing. I sipped my wonderful cocktail with my tail between my legs, fully chastised.

Drink on my hooches!

Hot Men Friday

Justin Theroux

I really enjoy GQ magazine. I read it at my salon. I keep thinking that I need to get a subscription for Pup.

Guys this like this one are part of the reason for my love of the magazine.

Like this guy.

I dated one guy in my lifetime that had this vibe. This hipster, I-can-wear-anything-and-look-cool vibe. I swoon a little when I see a guy like this on the street.

But this guy, this guy . . . hair, fierce face, ripped, nice, sweet, smart (seemingly), and talented.

And he dates my biggest girl-crush of all time.

I love Jennifer Aniston. She's a perfect girl to me. Lovely, strong body, great hair, and walks along in her own comfort. Doesn't bend to swollen lips, exaggerated hair extensions, or only dressing the right way. She wears what she wants. I admire that.

But this guy . . .

Yeah, this guy . . .

He is the right amount of hairy and while he may be a little scrawny for my normal taste, his NYC thing works. Those guys have to be scrawny. The long thin legs in jeans, the lean arms that are like rocks, the abs you could do a rubbing on.

He's the reason I wanted to start watching The Leftovers. Now I'm watching because the show is good. Are any of you watching?