Once Bad Always Bad?

Seeing the world in black and white. Do you think you do that? Once someone is deemed bad they can never again be seen as good? Or are you gray? Seeing things from both sides?

Gray is my favorite color of late around my house and around my person. What does this say about me?

Grey or gray (see spelling differences) is an intermediate color between black and white. It is a neutral or achromatic color, meaning literally that it is a color "without color." It is the color of a cloud-covered sky, of ash and of lead.

A cloud-covered sky.

Pup and I are watching The Affair. At first blush; from just reading the title; you, and I frankly, may think, "Nope, I don't want this. I don't want to be witness to something uncomfortable. Something so bad."

And then you watch. It's complex. Layered. Showing over and over how things are never, ever black and white. No one correct way. No one wrong way. Not that once an asshole always an asshole. That once you think this you can never think that.

The sad situation in Ferguson, the personal violence erupting in sports, immigrants in your town, young, troubled boys looking for an anchor - looking for their place, bad parents. My list could go for miles.

Or when you think about opinions you have formed about events, people, areas of the country, family. Once you think one way can you be swayed into thinking another way?

I remember a story my dad told when I was little about a girl he was dating before meeting my momma. The girl was pretty and he liked her very much. One night out on a date, they were tickling and wrestling as young people in the beginnings of a relationship do. The girl farted. My dad broke up with her. Just like that. His opinion of her changed. From infatuation to distaste. Plonk.

I was a little girl that was always in her head and that story changed how I thought about people. I began realizing that there are reasons for experiences, reasons for change in your life that you will never know about. Why you didn't get that job, why that boy broke up with you, why a friend stopped calling you back, why you don't feel close, why someone loves you.

I've changed my mind about people and situations a million times over. Sometimes it pisses me off and sometimes it makes me happy. And sometimes it makes me wonder if I do not have a backbone. If I am easily swayed. Or if I am ornery in my singular and lonely thoughts.

I mean, once at a family meeting here at Chez Emerson, I stood up from my chair and shouted at a sister-in-law, "You're WRONG. This is what is right."

What.the.hell.

We laughed about it in the moment, but that has harassed my thoughts from time to time. Filling me with laughter and tears.

Once again, I am working through something here on paper (sic). Something I didn't even know I needed to work through! Oh the magic that early morning can provide!

I wish this would start a dialogue. I long for a dialogue! Do any of you feel similarly? Do you covet a black and white approach or do you want your mind blown open for possibilities? Possibilities seem wonderful, but they are limiting in their limitlessness.

Oh damn!

"You Are a Bitch!" "No, That's Just My Face."

I have resting-bitch-face. I didn't know this was a thing. I knew something was wrong with my face (easy there . . .) a long time ago, but until I actually saw this phrase I didn't know what to call it!

It catches me off guard at times. I'm happily in, say, Target. Shopping, putting crap in my cart, wandering around in the office supply area (obsessed), or looking for 3 oz cups for the bathroom (where the hell are they anyway??) when I catch sight of my face in an unexpected mirror.

Aaah! There is my face. Frowning. Brow wrinkled. Mouth turned down. It always catches me off guard. I look closer into the mirror. There it is. The face. The face I'm presenting. What is going on? I'm happy in this moment. I'm wandering and thinking and shopping. Why the face?

I look again. I adjust my posture. I relax my face. I put on a pleasant expression. Now I look more like I feel. What is going on?

I think it's partly an introverted thing. Introverts get entirely lost in their own thoughts. Lost and unaware. The awareness that is lost expresses itself across the face. Resting Bitch Face. I think it's that simple.

Gah - I get headaches sometimes worrying about shit like this. Self-awareness woman!

I found this fantastic article about introverts on playfullytacky.com that I could have written. 

Originally found here.

Things You Should Know About Introverts

1) We need to recharge alone. This right here is the cusp of the entire introvert vs extrovert debate (if there is one, anyway) – Introverts need to be alone to recharge. We tend to get completely worn out by socializing. This is basically what it means to be an introvert.

2) We don’t hate being around people, but we probably hate crowds. I love being with people, but if you drop me into a large crowd I instantly feel like I’m alone and invisible. I try to avoid situations where I feel that way, so I may decline your open invitation to some random event. It doesn’t mean I don’t like to be around you, it just means I like to have more control over my surroundings.

3) We don’t mind silence. I can sit beside you in silence and not think we are having a bad time. This is especially true on road trips and can be a little confounding to true extroverts. For this reason, I especially like going to the movies where it is already considered rude to chat. Rule for dealing with introverts – don’t tell me I’m “too quiet.” I hate that. Sorry I’m making you uncomfortable, but you really don’t get to decide how much I have to talk.

4) Just because we are introverted doesn’t mean we are shy. Introvert and shy are actually two different things.

5) We can turn on an extroverted personality when necessary, but it is especially draining. I have no problem getting up in front of a group of people and giving a talk. I don’t even get nervous by a question and answer period. But, here is the thing, I will need major recharge time afterwards and I won’t be able to keep up this extroverted illusion all day. I can turn it on to dazzle a crowd, but if you take me out for lunch afterwards, I’ll probably just listen to you talk. I am an excellent listener.

6) We aren’t judging you. Did I get quiet? Do I have a mean look on my face? I’m not judging you; I’m just wrapped up in my thoughts with my bitchy-resting-face on. I might have even forgotten you were there. Sorry, just poke me. I didn’t do it on purpose.

7) We secretly love it when you cancel plans. I like being with you, but finding out I suddenly don’t need to be “on” and it wasn’t actually me that backed out? – priceless! Don’t worry if you have to cancel, I’m probably thrilled to be able to stay in my pajamas.

8) We can get very wrapped up in our own thoughts. My inner monologue is epic. When you have a strong monologue constantly running in the background, it is pretty easy to settle-in and listen for a while. I have to work through things in my head before I proceed, so I usually need a few minutes. When I’m ready to move forward though, I am 100 percent on top of it!

9) We can be pretty bad at connecting. You know when you have had a really bad day and you just want to call up a friend and chat? Yeah, I’m bad at that. I tend to wait for extroverts to reach out and include me, so when the time comes that I need support, I can be a bit lost.

10) We don’t like to hang around. That time after an event or meeting ends and stragglers hang around to talk – yeah, I know this is the perfect time to make more plans, connect with new people, and get involved with future projects, but I really really really hate this. I’m probably already checking my phone in my car before you have even picked up your purse. Small talk with strangers is my kryptonite.

11) We have strong opinions. Just because I have difficulty sharing them sometimes doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions. Give me an extra minute to compose my thoughts and I will continue to push myself to speak up sooner. It is a give and take here.

Extremism

Some of my weekend was spent reading and watching coverage of the Boston Marathon tragedy. Many times I had to stop reading or turn off the news channel I was watching because it floods into me and I get overwhelmed. I do not like the 24 hour news cycle. I feel as though I cannot get all of what is happening - I get that particular talking head's points of view and so many of them talk way too much.

But that is definitely my problem; more than likely rooted deep within my AADD. Because it must be working for most others. Just not this other.

But I read, and listened, and waited. For the fear to begin tumbling out. And I have seen it here and there. Okay - more than here and there. It's everywhere.

I am not a good debater. I have opinions, but many times in the moment, I cannot make helpful use of the facts that my opinions are based in. I know what I believe.

I also know what I don't believe.

I don't believe Muslims are what we need to be fearing. I just read an article in The Washington Post that put a period at the end of that sentence for me.

‘Please don’t be a Muslim’: Boston marathon blasts draw condemnation and dread in Muslim world

In this article Qasim Rashid, the chairman of the Muslim Writer’s Guild of America, was reported to have tweeted. “Whoever the culprit, no religion justifies this act of violence. We must remain united against extremism.”

United against extremism.

That's the message I want to take with me.

Extremism is the thing to fear. Not Christians, not Muslims, not Jews, not Buddhists. None of them are to be feared.

I get enraged frankly when the fingers are pointed. And they do get pointed. I have pointed as well at times. I'm not proud of that. Ever.

We react and need a place to put our fear and anger. Then we calm down and try to sift through the fear-based ramblings to get to the core of it. I'm never certain if I get to the core.

I live in a colorful neighborhood. Not quite, but very near, the inner city. I am a white, Lutheran, middle-class, middle-aged, woman with blue eyes and white skin. There are plenty around here just like me. There are plenty around here not like me at all.

I have some friends that think my area isn't the safest or the toniest. I admit to having a few thoughts in these directions myself from time to time. But it is my city. I see the reasons people could be afraid. But I also see neighborhoods that are living their lives. Good people. It's just a neighborhood.

Doesn't mean I don't pay attention to the thugs. Doesn't mean I float through my day-to-day with a misplaced feeling of safety, but I also don't want to walk under the cloud of fear.

Frankly? I am shocked from time to time at the things that people fear.

They fear gays, they fear blacks, they fear Jews, they fear Muslims, they fear any damn thing that might be different from them. And then, when the unthinkable happens, when someone just like THEM does something heineous, well, then they point fingers at the parents, at the schools, at whatever they have to so they don't ever ever have to look and realize that sometimes people do bad, horrible things.

People do bad, horrible things. But this doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a person. I don't fear people. I fear the reaction behind people's fears.

Extremism is so easy. You've got your position, and that's it. It doesn't take much thought. And when you go far enough to the right you meet the same idiots coming around from the left.
(Interview, Time Magazine, February 20, 2005)
~ Clint Eastwood

Got Me Thinking

Religulous

Sicko

I'm late to the party of both of these. There are countless googles out there talking about each; pro and con.

W

Add the trifecta of Pup and I watching Oliver Stone's W last night and you can see that I have had a weekend full of head-scratching.

Yes yes yes - I've heard all the rantings about Bill Maher, Michael Moore, and, for that matter, Oliver Stone.

But these three movies sure have stuck in my brain for the past few days. I don't know if I am full of despair or full of shit but these have me thinking and I am damn glad for that. It's what keeps the pencil sharp. Especially when a few cards have fallen out of my deck.

Anyone see any of these movies? What is the consensus?

Funniest scene to me. In Religulous Bill Maher is having a sit and pick with Mohamed Junas Gaffar of the Taiban Mosque in Amsterdam. During the chat the the tune "Kashmir" (yes, Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir) starts ringing out of Mr. Gaffar's mobile phone. I thought I would pee myself I was laughing so hard.

Da da da - da da da - da da da - da da da

Brilliant!