Day Six - Meaningful Experience

This isn't getting easier! I am apparently meaningless! 😄

But I'm not.

Let's say here on this blank post-page that Thursdays are always a meaningful experience for me. I spend hours with my Bella while she's getting chemo and we are never at a loss for things to talk about. The mother/daughter thing. It's powerful and baffling and splendid.

xxoo

Taken on the day she cut her hair. Look how those two have the same eyes!

Cancer is Inappropriate

My daughter has breast cancer.

She's 35 years old.

I know what to do and I don't know what to do. It's awful, terrible, fucked up. I have so many thoughts around all of it, yet I'm frozen. Frozen because this belongs to her. The feelings belong to her and yet I have them. I don't know what to do. I frantically try to not hijack her grief. What do I do with my grief? It seems selfish to have this grief. But I'm her momma. It never stops; the needing to make the hurts go away.

I try to cry when no one knows. I've watched people back away from my neediness. People just don't know what to say. I say that's okay. It's not okay. Word of advice to anyone reaching out to someone in their lives that needs solace - please do not say the fucking words that god never gives you more than you can handle. This is pure bullshit. Tell yourself this when it's your child having both of her breasts removed. Tell me how you feel then. I'll understand and never say that to you.

So I'm wallowing in my horrible grief. Not talking about it, yet lashing out in unexpected places. Isolating in my grief. Eating inappropriately. Acting inappropriately. All out inappropriate.

I have people I could talk to. I don't want to talk to them. I'm so angry. This surprises me. I'm even mad at my daughter a bit. Fucked up momma!

There are things I know about being a woman. Things that aren't being talked about. Breasts are part of being a woman. I don't mean in that fucked up way that has made breasts a marketing thing, but they are part of us in all the things that are important and not important compared to cancer.

Breasts are the first thing a boy will tentatively touch when you're kissing and kissing and tumbling around before you ever have sex. Then, when you have sex finally, they are a huge part of feeling sexy. Being sexy. Feeling desire. Feeling desired. Reaching orgasm. All of that. They feel heavy and they feel light as feathers. We lead with them and we distract with them and we hide them. All of that.

They change when we have babies. We feed our babies. They ache when our baby cries. They might be the first clue we're pregnant. We love them through our babies.

I grieve for that part for my daughter. Not that it's that fucking important, but yes, it is important. I don't have the right words for this. I don't have my thoughts in order. They may never be in order again.

My daughter is in the middle of all this shit. The ride for her is just beginning. I have more than hope that the outcome is going to be good. She's strong as shit. She doesn't know how strong she is. If you only knew how strong she is. Beyond this fucking cancer I'll tell you that.

Today Was Made for Frosting

Unexpected day with no agenda. Normally a go-to-The-Firm-day, but Pup said a power supply died and we had inexplicably bought computers that have special-order parts so I have no computer at The Firm.

I'm not mad about it.

I have a list in front of me with things that seem to never get done during the week. We'll see how I do today!

It's sleeting outside.

The sun was out yesterday. When it is out we all find happiness simply looking out windows. Spud was here for a short bit yesterday (he was here for a few hours, but slept most of it!) and he and I spent a chunk of time in his room where we lifted the blind so he could look outside and enjoy looking at everything with a bright light. He loves looking out windows! I know he doesn't really understand why we are stuck in the house for the most part.

With that in mind Bella and I took him to the Como Park Conservatory on Sunday. It's a great place to poke about and smell humid air, look at beautiful flowers, listen to water features, and just get away from all the brown and gloomy that is outside right now.

So fun going with Bella and Spud.

Those are little skulls on his t-shirt. Swoon!

That was a remember-it-forever kind of day.

Smooches my hooches.

If You Like It Then You Better Put a Ring on It

Ha! Haha is what I say!

There; I had to get that out. Like stretching, laughing is purifying yes?

Today is the 15th of July. That frightens me. Summer is scooching by with an alarming speed. I'm love love loving this summer. We've only had our central air on twice or so. Emoji for happiness! Lots of rain which has made a very lush lawn, but has caused lots of flooding all over. It's never perfect as we know. Mother Nature just can't be equitable. She's over here; she's over there. She is random in her gifts and random in her penalties. I do love her. She's a woman. Never be too predictable.

We recently went to Vegas for a family trip to celebrate my birthday and me and Pup's fifth anniversary. Pup, me, Lorenzo, Rand-Man (I hope this is my final alliteration of the boy's name), and Bella. Bella's husband, B, stayed home with Spud, but we missed him.

Five years? I've joked for a few years how we are newlyweds. I guess I'll have to put that joke to bed. Five years is a chunk of time! We had gotten married in Vegas so we always said we would return to the scene of the crime for our fifth.

Pup and I had taken an earlier flight on a Thursday and the kidlettes were arriving that evening. While we were hanging about watching the soccer match in the sports book when Pup's phone rang.

It was Rand-Man asking Pup a question. Would we mind, since it was our vacation to celebrate, would we mind if he asked Lorenzo to marry him while in Vegas? He had a ring in his pocket that was quite literally (I know that isn't correct) burning a hole in his pocket.

Would we mind???

My squeals were loud and maybe just a little bourbon infused. Pup and I giggled the rest of the day.

We were sworn to silence. We can keep a secret if we have to. Pup especially is very good at it. He does have five sisters after all. He is the sister-whisperer and can keep a secret like no other. Even from me at times.

It was hard to zip it with the kidlettes once they arrived! Our happiness was concealed by the fact that, yes, we were entirely happy to see all of them. But now came the hard part. We had to wait for Randy to decide when the right time was to spring it on Lorenzo.

The following day we were hanging out in the pool, having a laughing and talking and lounging and drinking time. Oh so fun. Towards the later afternoon Rand-Man asked Lorenzo to go up to the room for a bit. She wriggled her eyebrows in a teasing fashion and we all said, "oooooh??" So classy.

Later, Bella, Pup, and I were in our suite and the knock came on the door and they swooped in to tell us the news. Much crying and looking at the ring and more crying. Such happiness.

I won't give all of his proposal speech here, but one part that touched me (out of plenty of parts let me tell you) he said that she was already family to him and would she become family for real. He is a very family-oriented man. We do love him. And now he is part of our family

The gifts in my life just keep coming.

Shower Her with Love

Bella and her Grandma

My daughter, Lorenzo, and I hosted a baby shower for the Baby-Doll at my house last weekend. Barnabee jetted off back home on Thursday (her son came to Minnesota to accompany them on the plane - so nice!) and I have talked to my dad a time or two since they arrived home. He sounds so tired. Now that he's back home I am trying to not worry about what is going to happen next. I have no control over that so . . . so . . . I don't know what! I'll think about that later Miss Scarlett.

So the Baby-Doll shower. Thursday evening, after Pup and I drove Barnabee to the airport where I nearly lost their luggage, (that's another story for another day) Lorenzo and I braved the huge and efficient Costco and Party City for shower food and fun.

Friday evening Bella came over to help me clean Chez Emerson (lovely girls I have) and watching her work around her growing belly just fills my heart with unbelievable joy. I am seriously in love with this baby. It's a little scary. I'm going to relish being a Gigi. Whoooha! Love love love - all you need is love.

On Saturday morning Lorenzo and Bella came early to help set up. Lorenzo came bearing little naked-baby ice cubes (omg - so adorable we were dying), makings for mimosas, and a million other things. (I could tell the story of the adorable RM - Lorenzo's boy - having to come not once, but twice to our house bringing things forgotten, but let's leave it that he's an amazing man and good in a pinch. You have to love a man that will be there for you even though he'd rather not. Smooches to RM)

Lorenzo is a very linear thinker. Thank god. I'm a very randomized thinker. Thank god again. Bella is very diplomatic. God is good to me.

Between all of us things got done although at one point while I was hunting down tiny scissors for a shower project I heard Lorenzo exclaim, "Where is she now??" I have always wished my brain worked in a predictable way, but it doesn't. I weave and bob rather than march along. Very, very easily distracted. I think this feeds my creativity. I like this explanation much more than any other that could explain my brain. Ha! I am laughing! Thank you God, yet again.

The shower invitees were my family, Bella's in-laws, my wasband's family including his wife, Pup's family, all my friends that have known Bella - new and old. Yes, we did it all in a swoop. My longtime and lovely friend Reechie thought me insane. I told her, "It will work. It will." And it did.

I didn't get a photo of it, but at one point, both of my mother-in-laws were sitting in a large chair together and I couldn't resist saying, "Both of my momma-in-laws are here!" If this makes anyone uncomfortable I'm sorry. The two of them looked happy. I hope they were.

And even though I did shush one of my sister-in-laws (oh I am such a pain in the ass) the afternoon went well. Bella received lots of lovely things for the Baby-Doll, we ate really good, and it was fun to see people that I haven't seen in ages.

Only one person from my family came and that was a wonderful surprise for all of us. My lovely, lovely niece (my brother's daughter) and her two gorgeous and energetic daughters. That meant a lot to Bella and to me that she came. It couldn't have been comfortable for her and I love it that she put that aside.

After the shower, my friends Deb-oh-rah, Shelley-belly, Teri (Bella's godmother), and wasband's wife stayed along with both of my girls. We sat in the living room talking like girls talk and the laughing and stories were endless entertainment for Pup who pretended to hide in the office "working".

We suddenly looked up and saw that it was 10:30! The shower had started at 2:00. I got a note from Teri a day or two later stating that it was not only the most fun shower she has ever attended, but the longest as well. Ha!

I am blessed.

What's on My Blackberry?

There was so much random and idiotic stuff in the photo folder on my beloved BlackBerry that I could only sigh and say, "WTH"?

But, there were a couple that made me giggle a little bit.

I have a recipe box exactly like this one. My dad bought it for me when I was in the 7th grade for my Home Economics class. I was so excited that he got such a spiffy one. I found this one in an antique store (holy cow) and immediately picked it up for my Bella.

No memory why I took this one of the Beatles print I put up in The Big Room. I like it though. The Beatles, not necessarily this shot of it. Heh!

Yeah, Calvin helping me make the bed. I know, I know, but he makes me laugh!

I took this shot of the inside of my fridge for another blog. Embarrassing what is and what isn't in there!

Pup's momma is on the right and Pup's auntie is on the left. We took them to dinner a week or so ago. His auntie remembers that her momma was a bootlegger! She was amazing to talk to and I want to see her again and get some of her stories on tape. Seriously amazing stories.

What it is! It's coming! It is!

This glass owl weighs about 10 pounds! I could use him for a weapon! I just may.

Yes, this guy came home with me to be the little brother to the other one I bought a while back. I should hang my head, but I hold it high with my owl love!

My BFF bought this. It is the cutest ugly frog I've ever laid eyes on.

Daisy!

What's been keeping y'all out of trouble this week?

Thrifting a Go-Go

Check out my disco-ball owl!

Remember Avon? Or maybe you guys still buy Avon? I haven't really thought about Avon for years, but there was a time when I bought lots and lots of Avon in my 20s. This little dude is from back then I do think. He's full of weird-smelling powder that immediately made me remember my Avon days. Isn't Avon known for it's super good skin care line right now? Maybe it's time to revisit Avon.

Did I use the word Avon enough?

Bella and I went thrifting yesterday and had such a good time. Flaked on photos which is unfortunate cuz we saw a few weird things. As you always do when thrifting.

This is my favorite find of the trip. He's sitting in my office making me pretty happy right about now.