For No Apparent Reason . . .

. . . Kurt Russell in Tequila Sunrise . . .

After all, it is summer.

For No Apparent Reason . . .

. . . let's have a white glove day . . .

Maybe I Am a Douchebag

Before I start . . . I heard the other day that Kelly Osborn of Fashion Police and Ozzy made mention (probably tweeted) that she wanted kids, but didn't want a flappy vagina. What the hell . . . doesn't she know that the vagina is the world's greatest elastic? Go to biology class Kelly. You douchebag . . .

On to my douchebaggeryness.

I'm in the middle of a pickle. Funny - pickles are made with vinegar - real douche bags are filled with vinegar sometimes. Hmm . . . the silence you are hearing is me thinking . . .

Back to my pickle.

Before I begin; can a woman be a douchebag? Maybe I should be going with asshole? Hmm . . . yet another thing to slow the process down with my thinking. We can't have that. Aha.

Again, the pickle

I'm in a tussle with a woman in my life. A woman in a leadership position. A woman who could be one of the women we think about and say, "She's a leader. She fosters communication. She delegates tasks with authority and clarity." Or maybe I'm the only one that wants to state things like this about women in authority.

Before I go any farther - I have no desire to be a woman in authority. I've known this all my life. I'm totally cool with this. I like being the workings behind the machine. It's how I am. So my intent is never to BE the woman in charge. But I have worked for many fantastic women in charge. Women that showed grace under fire and had the ability to nurture abilities rather than feel threatened by abilities.

This woman in a leadership position hired me to do some design work for her company. Our interactions have been puzzling.

My first meeting with her I brought a project I had been working on with one of her teammates. She took a cursory look and tossed it on her desk. Dismissed! I thought to myself, Well, let's listen to what she has to say about it. She had nothing to say. She was only dismissive.

And so it began. Ignored emails. Phone meetings set up and ignored by her. Criticism about the "verbiage" I used, yet I experienced her using it in other pieces. Proofs sent, call to action requested, and no reply.

This situation is working my nerves. I am using it as a test. A test to see just how I can contain my douchebaggeryness. I respond to emails slowly; I reread them to make certain I have let no hidden douchey get through. She discovers a kernel of douche and pounces. I respond. I'm frazzled.

Here is why I'm even talking about this today. Here is what I do not understand about my own gender. This will sound douchy to the max, but it is my experience. As my smart husband says, "your experience is reality." This doesn't mean it's right, just that it is right as YOU SEE IT.

Again, I do not understand why my own people, women, battle against each other. We fight about men, we fight about talent, we fight about situations. I'm sick. Sick sick sick. Let's allow each woman in our life to OWN their shit. Good shit and bad shit. Arg!

Let's foster ability. Let's foster a good job. Let's foster everything. Attractiveness, smarts, funny, mothering, creative, and every other damn thing I'm not remembering in my writing sprint here.

Be a douchebag if you must, but be a douchebag with vision.

That is all.

What's on My Samsung?

I'm annoyed.

I cannot understand why so much energy from everywhere is being focused on one murder trial. I don't understand why so many are giving this horrible situation even one minute of their precious time or why they are drawing more attention to it.

From California to New York there are trials going on. For horrendous crimes. Murders, rapes, arson, robberies. Things that some of us can't even imagine because they are so horrific.

I'll make the one change that I'm in control of. Me. Sometimes I'm not even in control of her! Meaning me. Or whatever the hell I'm trying to say. You know, be the change you want to see and all that crap.

Ha! The most repeated and quoted things are that way for a reason.

So . . .

Minnesota

Oh Hell Yes!

It's a done deal. How proud am I to be living in this state? Never will I hear a story from my state like the story my auntie has. Over 25 years with her partner, yet wasn't considered part of the "family" when her partner became ill. This.will.never.happen.again.

Because who doesn't love love?

Lick Your Lips for Me

. . . here is a random shopping find. I am always on the hunt for lipstick. I recently bought a lovely red Revlon lipstick after seeing Lorenzo wearing a red. I bought more of a blue red and although I love it, I've decided that when you are a woman of a wonderful age, which means not a 20 something, 30 something, or more, red lipstick thins the lips. I've seen it millions of times. Anything a bit too dark makes those lips look just like two skinny slashes of red and seems to make your skin look less than lustrous.

BTW - Revlon makes GREAT lipsticks. They all are wonderful. Makes you kissable.

I found what seems to be so far the perfect shade. It is incredible to many, if not all, skin tones. It makes my blue eyes POP! I mean they leap off my face.

Okay - they really don't, but this lipstick is great. The color is Revlon's Pink Truffle. It's not drying and revitalizes nicely when you apply a gloss over it later. Or just reapply. I like a little bit of a wetter look now and then so I gloss over it. And it is great on its own.

My little tip from me to you. Not that you asked, but I do love to give.  ;)

One little random shot from the other fun night with my friend, Reechie. We played Bingo at Stanley's in Northeast Minneapolis. We were losers, but not really. A perfect evening with my perfect friend.

Rock your lipstick today hooches. All the shades. 

Yesterday Was Momma's Day

My Momma's Day present. I love anything in threes. As I said yesterday when given this beautiful necklace, "My family is much bigger than three, but two perfect girls came from me and that makes three." I might be mangling that exact memory, but this is what I meant. We are three women. Once they were two babies. This isn't better than that, but I sure love this. Love them. Hard. I love them hard.

When I was a young momma and my girls were small, the most wonderful gift I could imagine for momma's day would have been a day away from their wonderful little selves. Only because I was a stay at home momma for many years and it just always sounded heavenly. A day or two away, all alone, with a pile of books, and no agenda.

Now, the best momma's day is spending time with them. And their boys. I just love them so much! Sheesh I'm annoying today!

So - great momma's day. We grilled even though it was a bit brisk outside. Which meant we hung inside instead of out with my new deck furniture. That's okay. Summer is coming. It really is.

This week we all are preparing to go on vacation together. All six of us. Pup, me, Bella, her Big B, Lorenzo, and her RM. I need to settle on RM's nickname! I've had BT and now RM - decide!

Mexico is calling our name.

What Happens at Gigi's, Stays at Gigi's

I love how sometimes I click in here, the empty "new post" page - white, blank, and waiting for me to fill it with my words; but I have NO IDEA what I want to say.

Many times during the day, I'll have a stray thought. A thought about how I feel or a thought about an idea or a thought about a rant. I think, "You should jot that down. Write about it later." Then I don't. The thought runs away. Typical!

Like right now! Nothing in particular I want to say. Or plenty I want to say, but can't settle in and do it.

Random Thoughts

• Run and see Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr is so adorable you want to put his little nugget body in your pocket and keep him with you forever. The movie is wonderful. I love this franchise!
• I also loved Oblivion. I don't want to put Tom Cruise in my pocket though. But I did enjoy this movie. It was unexpectedly sweet and sometimes Sci Fi really floats it for me. Not always. This time it did.
• Parts of southern Minnesota got over 17 inches of snow last week. It snowed here in the cities, but we missed that kind of accumulation. That makes me happy.
• Yesterday, even though I was working in the home office on a deadline, the warm air and sun outside was making me very very happy.
• My daughter Bella is having a baby. This is not a random thought, but it randomly sprints into my brain at least 20 times a day. A baby! Baby baby baby. I cry about it all the time. Tears squirting out that contain my joy.
• My grandma name is Gigi. Thank you to all the southern grandmas that use that name and who ever knew that I'd be thanking The Tumbler for learning about that particular grandma name. One bright spot among a couple from the experience of working there. Gigi is perfect. I used to be known as G.G. - the Graphics Goddess - at my corporate job by a few people. I'm taking it!
• Bella said I should be Glamma. We stole that phrase from Goldie Hawn years before one of the Housewives started using it! I kinda love Glamma as well.
• On this kick - I am trying like HELL to not be annoying with my Bella. I want to touch her belly all the time and I have to curb all my intentions to pummel her with information. Take a breath and sit down Deborah. Done.

See? The random thoughts turned into an announcement. Our family will soon be enjoying fighting over a baby. Pup and I are winning. I am the momma's momma. Who can argue with that?

Ebb and flow today my hooches. Gigi is in the house.

It's Friday!

Get your happy on!

Extremism

Some of my weekend was spent reading and watching coverage of the Boston Marathon tragedy. Many times I had to stop reading or turn off the news channel I was watching because it floods into me and I get overwhelmed. I do not like the 24 hour news cycle. I feel as though I cannot get all of what is happening - I get that particular talking head's points of view and so many of them talk way too much.

But that is definitely my problem; more than likely rooted deep within my AADD. Because it must be working for most others. Just not this other.

But I read, and listened, and waited. For the fear to begin tumbling out. And I have seen it here and there. Okay - more than here and there. It's everywhere.

I am not a good debater. I have opinions, but many times in the moment, I cannot make helpful use of the facts that my opinions are based in. I know what I believe.

I also know what I don't believe.

I don't believe Muslims are what we need to be fearing. I just read an article in The Washington Post that put a period at the end of that sentence for me.

‘Please don’t be a Muslim’: Boston marathon blasts draw condemnation and dread in Muslim world

In this article Qasim Rashid, the chairman of the Muslim Writer’s Guild of America, was reported to have tweeted. “Whoever the culprit, no religion justifies this act of violence. We must remain united against extremism.”

United against extremism.

That's the message I want to take with me.

Extremism is the thing to fear. Not Christians, not Muslims, not Jews, not Buddhists. None of them are to be feared.

I get enraged frankly when the fingers are pointed. And they do get pointed. I have pointed as well at times. I'm not proud of that. Ever.

We react and need a place to put our fear and anger. Then we calm down and try to sift through the fear-based ramblings to get to the core of it. I'm never certain if I get to the core.

I live in a colorful neighborhood. Not quite, but very near, the inner city. I am a white, Lutheran, middle-class, middle-aged, woman with blue eyes and white skin. There are plenty around here just like me. There are plenty around here not like me at all.

I have some friends that think my area isn't the safest or the toniest. I admit to having a few thoughts in these directions myself from time to time. But it is my city. I see the reasons people could be afraid. But I also see neighborhoods that are living their lives. Good people. It's just a neighborhood.

Doesn't mean I don't pay attention to the thugs. Doesn't mean I float through my day-to-day with a misplaced feeling of safety, but I also don't want to walk under the cloud of fear.

Frankly? I am shocked from time to time at the things that people fear.

They fear gays, they fear blacks, they fear Jews, they fear Muslims, they fear any damn thing that might be different from them. And then, when the unthinkable happens, when someone just like THEM does something heineous, well, then they point fingers at the parents, at the schools, at whatever they have to so they don't ever ever have to look and realize that sometimes people do bad, horrible things.

People do bad, horrible things. But this doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a person. I don't fear people. I fear the reaction behind people's fears.

Extremism is so easy. You've got your position, and that's it. It doesn't take much thought. And when you go far enough to the right you meet the same idiots coming around from the left.
(Interview, Time Magazine, February 20, 2005)
~ Clint Eastwood

Juxtaposition. It's Not Just for Decorating

Yup.

I'm looking at this today. Out my windows because I don't really want to actually GO out there. Oh I will, but I don't WANT to.

I'm looking at all of that ^ on the same day I bought these.

Hope springs eternal. Even if spring doesn't.

Keep on keeping on everyone.

For No Apparent Reason . . .

. . . let's have a Debbie Harry day . . .

Spring! Yes!

I am trying to forget that yes, it is snowing in my world today. Yes, I live in Minnesota, and yes, it does snow on occasion in Minnesota in April. I can deal. I know it won't last forever.

But in the meanwhile, I am cheering myself up today by shopping in my head. Care to follow along?

Firstly, I LOVE this. I don't know how, but I've been doing this for a season or two. I have found shorter chain necklaces while out thrifting and I wrap them around my wrist for a layered-chain look. Fabulous Dahling - to quote the verbose Mariah Carey (yes I'm still watching American Idol). This is an easy and beautiful accessory. I'm rocking it!

If I were tiny, effortlessly elegant, and wore Louboutins, this is how I would look. I will be doing my own version. Wowza on that bag. Check out Wendy's Lookbook for more.

 Spring coat fever. Love Zara. I am loving the jeans and heels. It's good!

If I ever got to have a do-over I would come back as this girl. I want to cut my hair and rock this. In my mind this will be my summer uniform. Maybe not quite so much sideboob hmm? Check out Karla's Kloset.

Summer hair c/o Ivanka Trump. We can all do this one yes? I kinda love her in spite of her dad. Or maybe because of her dad!

 Jean jackets are forever. Don't you love that frankly? Check out What I Wore.

 I have never had a classic beige trench. I have a white one. This may be my year to succumb. Lovely.

 Yes, these are back. What the hell are we calling them this time? I do love this look though.

Resistive Carbs

Are you following a nutritional model where you resist certain carbs such as pasta, wheat, rice, and russet potatoes?

Science does tell us that eating these types of carbs in over abundance will cause our body to release extra insulin and science also tells us that these insulin spikes can cause these excess carbs to be stored as body fat. You can disagree all you want, but this is truly part of the science behind eating more complex carbs and the reason so many eat lower carb when trying to lose fat.

Some hand-slappers will vehemently state that it's easy to resist the empty carbs because this is the nutritional path we should be on. What's wrong with you? If you're drawn to the dark-side, then you need to find the deficit within you that is causing these cravings, behaviors, weaknesses (weakness is never really spelled out, but that judgment is there - I put that out there myself at times).

The truth is all of us wish we were better in our food choices. I wish I only ate veggies, pristine protein sources, and good fats. But it simply isn't the case all the time.

So I search out help for myself so I can make better choices every day.

For instance, I have discovered when I butter my beloved peas, the insulin response is lessened because of the good fat. I have discovered that real cream in my coffee is the best thing about getting up every morning. I have discovered that Stevia does not taste like ass once you get used to it.

So, poking about, I have been hearing the chatter about resistant carbs and how they can benefit.

I'm not falling head first, but here is some of what I'm walking away with.

1. When I cannot resist pasta, on occasion it will be in my 20 percent column to eat it al dente. I rather prefer my pasta this way truth be told. The science claims that if your pasta is not cooked to the saturation point it will not release all the sugar from the carbs in your small intestine. Saving the bulk for the large intestine. Less insulin spike! BTW - wheat pasta is no better for you regarding insulin. The same spike occurs. Wheat pasta is just as processed as the kind you grew up with. 
2. If you want a bit of rice with your meal, eat it room temperature. The relationship between sugar chemistry and temperature is what makes the difference here. I'm still wandering around to find definitive science behind this. What I do know is the sugar is released slower when the food is cold. Resistant!
3. Green bananas. Same thing basically. The riper the fruit, the more sugar. Enjoy your bananas on the green side. I prefer them this way. Interestingly enough, I had just read something yesterday about eating your banana as ripe as possible for some sort of health benefit. It's never easy peeps! There is always a divergent view!

I am not running out immediately to stuff myself with spaghetti and meatballs (love!), but when I do decide to make it, it will be al dente!

Manji!

No Grain Zucchini Bread

Do you love bread? Especially a breakfast bread? I remember in smellavision my momma's banana bread. My happiest moment was finagling the end piece while still hot and slathering it with butter. Mmmm!

I discovered zucchini when I was in my 30s and having my huge vegetable garden. The zucchinis would grow like mad and I found many ways to use them. Pancakes, jam, and bread. My original recipe was sugar and flour laden so when I discovered this one I was happy!

I found this recipe at Kelly Olexa's site, Body a month or so ago. I've tweaked it a bit from hers as I'm trying to not eat grains and I have no fear of the egg yolk. The original had oats and only egg whites.

Zucchini Bread

• large handful (about 1.5 zucchinis) of shredded zucchini (I peeled mine)
• 1.5 scoops protein powder
• 1/2 cup nut butter (I used natural peanut butter although Primal frowns on this)
• 4 eggs
• 1/2 cup coconut flour (I used coconut flakes, unsweetened)
• 4 tbl butter, melted
• 1 tbl cinnamon
• 2 tbl erythritol (or any sweetener, your choice)
• 1/4 tsp sea salt
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp vanilla

Dump all ingredients in large bowl and mix with wooden spoon. 

Place in a greased loaf pan and bake for approximately 50 minutes at 350°.

The bread is nicely dense with a satisfying flavor of breakfast bread without the pesky grains we may or may not be avoiding. Win win frankly. Who needs those extra carbs?

See my little helper?

Then I get to eat it! That is the only reason I bake. Hot stuff out of the oven.

Words We Hate

My family and I were having a conversation a while back about certain words that make us shiver. You know those words, you read them or inadvertently say them and shudder or want to slap the writer with your mechanical pencil? A few of mine are:

• moist
• crotch
• puss
• creamy
• amazing
• very

Many more. They kind of come and go depending on my mood. 

And phrases. I have phrases that I parrot, but truly hate when I have to hear them. Most of them are business-speak. Company culture can really make me retch; just a little bit.

• reach out - as in "I reached out to Mr. Sprocket."
• at the end of the day - who's day may I ask?
• on the same page - most of the time we are not even reading the same book
• in and of itself - wtf is this?
• take a meeting - take it where?
• have a face to face
• folks - hate this one passionately, I am not "folks"
• bottom line - let's leave my bottom out of this
• teachable moment - gag

My daughter, Bella, sent me an article yesterday that I read with relish, talking about this very thing. Word aversion. Moist being at the top of the list. Apparently it's at the top of everyone's list!

Why Do We Hate Certain Words?

The article made me poke around and read more. The comment sections of a few articles were the BEST! Apparently everything makes someone retch. Language is powerful. The emotions that certain words evoke are both unexplainable and fascinating.

For instance, here's a list of "do not say" words and phrases I found on Vox Critica.

• Nowadays (or these days)
• Trenchant 
• Heady stuff
• Piqued my interest
• Football (to mean soccer)
• Foodie
• Scenester
• Reported (when applied to someone else’s opinion), also “informs us that...”
• Literally (to mean really)
• Proverbially (to mean figuratively)
• At the end of the day
• Apropos of nothing
• For all intents and purposes
• Just sayin’
• No offense
• As it were
• Having said that

I kinda hate "foodie" too. Really? You like to eat and you're a "foodie?" Does that mean I'm a "coffeeyy?" Sorry, that was really bad. Hard to resist myself at times.

And here's a list of "do not say" that Kurt Andersen (former editor of New York magazine) left pinned to a wall after he had been let go (fired).

• authored
• bigs (meaning "prominent people")
• bistro (okay in restaurant reviews, but sparingly)
• boast (meaning "have")
• celeb
• comely
• comfort food
• duo
• don (meaning "put on")
• dubbed
• eatery
• eponymous
• fin de siecle
• flicks
• hails from
• hubby
• indie (exception granted for indie rock)
• intone
• lifestyle
• maven
• New York's finest
• overly
• penned
• queried (meaning "asked")
• sentences beginning "result" or "reason"
• scripted
• sport (as a verb)
• staffed/staffer
• tapped (meaning "chosen")
• , um,
• , uh,
• , well,
• A who's who of
• zeitgeist

What would you add to these lists? Are there certain words or phrases that make you run for the toilet? Speaking of that - toilet is one of my cringing words!

Four-Cheese Roasted Eggplant Casserole

We spent an early Easter Saturday evening with daughter Lorenzo and her Boy in her lovely townhouse. She and The Boy moved in a few weeks ago and have turned it into such a charming and warm home. I am so proud of that little nugget you just can't imagine.

She baked the ham and made Bunny Cake, Bella brought cheesy potatoes, and I brought a veggie dish.

I'm working on eating Paleo/Primal so I thought I'd bring something to fit with that. Even though I did have scoops of the cheesy potatoes and a piece of the Bunny Cake. Hey!

This had been burning a hole in my recipe file for a few weeks and this seemed like a good time to give it a try.

Four-Cheese Roasted Eggplant Casserole
1 eggplant
1/4 cup olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
1/3 cup ricotta cheese
1/3 cup cottage cheese
1/3 cup shredded parmesan cheese
1 cup mozzarella cheese
1 tbl dried chives
1 cup tomato sauce

Preheat oven to 425.

1. Cut the ends from the eggplant and remove the skin. Slice lengthwise into 1/4" thick pieces.
2. With a basting brush, coat both sides of each piece with olive oil and place on a cookie sheet. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Put in the oven and roast for 8-10 minutes or until done. Cover with foil.
3. In a bowl, combine ricotta, cottage cheese, and parmesan cheese with chives. Stir well.
4. Prepare an 8x8 casserole dish with non-stick spray.
5. Spread 1/2 cup sauce in the dish.
6. Take each slice of eggplant and spread with roughly 2-3 Tbsp cheese mixture. Roll eggplant and place seam-side down in casserole dish. Repeat with the rest of the eggplant. If there is excess cheese, distribute between both rows of eggplant rolls. Top with the rest of the sauce and mozzarella cheese.
7. Bake for 20 minutes at 450 or until cheese is melted and slightly golden.

Serves 6.

What I would do differently next time:

1. I completely forgot about the mozzarella cheese. I absentmindedly put a bit more parm on the top of the casserole dish. I don't think we missed it! I might try it with the mozzy, but why add those extra calories I'm thinking?
2. I used a bottled pasta sauce. It was kinda sweet. The recipe calls for tomato sauce and I'm thinking I'll quickly simmer that sauce with some italian seasoning to use next time. Plain tomato sauce seems lacking in flavor.
3. I also used too much tomato pasta sauce. I thought more was better. It was just saucy.
4. I wasn't consistent with my eggplant slicing. Too thin is as bad as too thick with this recipe.

It was really good! I know some of you are avoiding nightshades for one reason or another, but eggplant has a great bread-like consistency and can satisfy that craving.

Personal Style Inspiration

¡Hola!

Levis jeans, motorcycle jacket, gray scarf, Ray Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. I'd wear this today, right this minute. In fact I just might!

The reason for this random thought? I found this photo in a long-lost archive folder buried on my computer. One of those future-reference-folders that seem to become clutter. The photo is four years old. Proves how some things are perfect always.

Personal style is fascinating to me. Everyone has it. One of my daughters is a tad boho in her look. She tends towards flowy, longer tops with leggings or skinny jeans accented with a big ring and signature scarf.

My other daughter loves tailored blazers, dress pants in the Editor style, heels that you can Walk Like an Egyptian in; her casual style is nerdy and adorable t-shirts (some stolen from me from my long ago 20s) and flared-type or skinny jeans accented with her iPhone and sneakers.

I have one friend that lives more small-town and wears black jeans and some version of either a turtleneck or button up shirt. Keys snapped onto her belt loop.

Another wears lots of good jewelry, neutral colors, long sweaters and layers.

Yet one more is very classic. Fitted shirts, black slacks, a signature red leather jacket.

You can find me lately in gray or black, skinny jeans, boots, and carrying a very good handbag. A good handbag is my thing. Yes, I mean V E R Y  G O O D. I am a handbag bitch. Ha!

All lovely choices. I'd recognize all of them anywhere in a crowd, long before I saw their faces.

How do we develop our style? Is it our size? Our age? What is comfortable? What is affordable? What is on trend?

Or is it more a zone we've fallen into? A place we fear to pop out of? Or are we the one that pops? The one that others watch?

My favorite blogs around blogtown are fashion, daily outfit blogs. I enjoy watching how women put together outfits. When I worked downtown I would occasionally sit in the skyway, drinking coffee at one of the coffee shops, and watch the outfits. Jot down color combos I found interesting, jot down choices I found fascinating, jot down a handbag to check out.

Spring is nearly here in the northland where I live. I smelled it a day or so ago. The snow is receding at a nice pace (faster please). Even though I'm still wearing my boots out and about (6 degree windchill this morning - holy hell), I've seen some moccasins and flats dodging puddles and snowbanks.

What are we going to be wearing?

Sugar and Spice vs Bossy and Brave

Boomba

Not our kitty. We rescued this little (ha - nope, he's kinda huge) from a family situation, denutted (Pup's word) him and gave him to Lorenzo and her boy. They have fallen in love with him. Yes, we are cat people (sorry George!).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But that's not what I'm thinking about today. I'm thinking about bullying.

There's lots of talk about it all around me. Reactionary-type talk mostly. Some of it that is labeled bullying mostly seems like a difference of opinion. Some of it is flagrant and mean.

I was bullied only for one short period of time in my childhood. I mentioned in a previous post that I played the trombone. When I first started playing I was in the 5th grade and actually had to carry that thing to school every day. I bet it wasn't as far as my memory is telling me, but it was a bit of a jaunt.

It was winter and I was in the 6th grade. And carrying my trombone to and from school on a daily basis. By this point I was fairly used to the walk, but I had caught the eye of a couple of my classmates. Let's call them Bubba and Goofus.

They started following me and poking fun at me. Running around me, saying incredibly clever things like, "Uh, a GIRL playing trombone! Bet you can't slide that thing in here." Following too close, running in front of me. Just being little assholes.

Up until then I had been pretty happy playing the trombone. I was first chair (can you even believe?) and enjoying the whole thing very much.

These two little miscreants were making me miserable though. And making me second guess my choice. I started wishing I played the flute. Something I could tuck safely and securely into my book bag.

But after a week or two of this shit I slugged Bubba hard with the damn thing. Right in his ass if memory serves. His momma called my house that night insisting I was mean and had "broken blood vessels" in her poor boy. I got in pretty bad trouble with my parents. I later finally figured out that he had a bruise. Poor little bully. But I never did see those two on my walk again.

I felt terrible about the whole thing though. Even though those two had made a couple weeks of my life fairly miserable, I felt guilty that I had struck back. My dad had said something along the lines that "ladies don't behave that way." I never really figured out what I was supposed to do. And what I had done was effective wasn't it? But I still felt guilty.

There's a book that was recently published I want to read, Lean In, by Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook. I haven't read it yet, but it was pointed out to me that one of the things she's been saying is that as a young girl she was told that she was bossy. It made me think of the messaging I had received as a young girl.

I have always loved to lean in. A few times in my life I have totally leaned in. I joke constantly that I am bossy and controlling. I know what I like and like what I want. Deep back in me I wasn't certain if this is the way I should be. Girls are soft and nice and not bossy. Guess what? I'm soft, nice, and bossy. I temper my bossy with humor, self-deprecation, and underlying smarts. Yes, I am smart. I am bossy. I am a woman.

I don't like it when I see women back down from an opinion because they are reticent to look less than nice. Sometimes we need to step up, lean in, and hit that damn bully with our trombone. If it leaves a few bruises, well then that guy can lean in.

Keep Looking Back

No reason for this photo except these pillows made me laugh so I got them for Pup. This is his favorite phrase. 

I played the trombone all through school. I think I started in the 5th grade? I don't quite remember why I picked it, but I do remember walking down the rows filled with instruments, gazing at all the gleaming buttons, valves, silver, brass, and bone.

My dad kept pointing out flutes and clarinets. I kept walking back, time after time, to the trombone. It looked beautiful; shiny and complicated. I dug in my heels. I went home with the trombone.

I had a few lessons from a really crabby teacher and found myself in band. I had no idea I would be one of the only girls back there in the brass section. My best friend at the time played trumpet so she was at least down the row from me.

I turned out to be pretty good at playing. I had good, strong embouchure for the most part and while my tone was at times thin, I had good control and a good ear.

I really loved playing even though I had to carry that damn thing to and from school every day. It was rather heavy, but I got used to it. I also had to practice every day; something my dad wasn't too fond of. At Christmas I would play a few carols on Christmas Eve if you can even imagine something so strange.

I joined a jazz band and we met every day for an hour before class began so we could practice. I loved every time we had a performance. I was totally in love with hearing applause. We even made a record - I wish I knew where that was!

Why am I thinking about this I am wondering.

I believe that sometimes you are drawn to a choice and even though many around you are saying, "Why on earth would you want to do that??" you keep looking back at it and decide you have to do it. And it turns out fantastic.

Like the times when I left my first husband, started a business (even though it ultimately failed), went back to school (even though I was horrible at accounting), got my dog, got married for a second time (love you Pup). Every milestone-type decision made eventually became a good thing. Even the decisions that were made for me turned out to be the best.

If we could listen closely and filter out the crap, what a joy that could be.

But, of course, we can't and sometimes we don't get it until later. But when we do get it - whoooo ha! Let the party bus pick up my arse. I'm ready to get my bourbon on.

I am still wondering why I'm thinking about this. I do have a couple of work-related decisions to make in the next week or so, that has to be it. Gah! Why can't things be smooth?

Oh yeah! I know why. It would be boring! Ha!

Are you sleepy because you lost some sleep? I'm right there with you. Smooches and rock it today!