Remember?

I used to LOVE blogging. It didn't matter who was listening or what I said or where I was.

Then it dried up. I didn't have any more to say. If you knew me you'd say, "Liar! You say plenty and you say it often!"

Yeah, that's true, but I'm not talking about my inappropriate yapping. Not that I do that!

::insert emoji with hands on her face, head tilted, innocent look:: (I'm really beginning to hate emojis)

Yeah, I do that sometimes. In fact, this past summer while up at the lake, early on when we were settling in, we had our dear friends over. They were helping us unpack and everything else! We were in the living room taking a break and we were talking and laughing about who knows. I made a joke about my blurting (for some reason) and my friend did her own blurt, "You should stop! Some day you're going to get stabbed!"

We all fell out laughing, but I've thought about that from time to time. I do blurt at times. And I talk about how I blurt. It seems I'm not alone with the blurting, but, probably because I talk about it too much, my blurting gets noticed. Or I'm just much worse than I think.

I didn't mean to get on here and blurt about blurting!

Maybe I did though.

I am blessed!

I've been on a research-binge the past few weeks. I'm always on the hunt for the reasons behind my problems. I won't go into the exact nature of my problems although that might be a good thing to write about eventually. A purging if you will. And maybe a good place to organize these thoughts. Because you know when the thoughts are wild I can't get no relief.

Frankly, that was the start for the research-binge. I have insomnia to a degree. For years now. I read over and fucking over how nothing is going to align with the gods in my life if I don't get the sleeping fixed. But how? I've done everything believe me. With varying degrees of success. Nothing ever everlasting.

I found a great doctor a few years ago that is helping me get balance (love him to death!). I found him just in the nick of time too I think. I was beginning to careen off road emotionally and inappropriately and that feeling is horrible. And as a woman of my age coping with these horrendous mood swings, the racing and negative thoughts, the inability to ever lose the weight I want, and the hot flashes! Holy shit the flashes. I was working retail at the time and I swear I was having at least 20-30 during a shift. I noticed them the most there because I was out in the public. Nothing more attractive than a sweaty woman helping you find an outfit or ringing up your purchase. Gah

So I found my lovely doctor and we have that part so much under control. I have maybe one or two a day! Oh blessed relief.

But no help on the insomnia.

Now, I'm not laying night after night awake like a zombie (is that what zombies do? I never jumped on the zombie wagon!), but I do not stay asleep. When those eyes pop open at 3 o'clock it's a sad sad morning.

So I fall asleep in odd places during the day. Often in the afternoons when I'm watching the sweet little Spud (he's 2 years-old now!) I'll sit down in the living room "for a minute" and oftentimes fall asleep. Dr. S says this is good. Naps are good for your heart. But I feel like I should be DOING something. You know? Not napping.

But, in addition to that, I fall asleep at the movies. Pup and I LOVE going to the movies. And there I am, asleep. We went to one recently and I gave up, rolled on my side (theatre had those lounge chairs), covered up with my pashmina, and took a $15 nap. wth

I am laughing so hard to myself right now! I didn't think I had anything to say and all of this is rolling out like silky sand.

So - long story short - or maybe just the tease of the beginning of this f-ing story - I'm sick of all this shit. Sick of knowing something is amiss.

So - while poking around for something else (isn't that always the way?) I stumbled on a vlog of a guy talking (he's not just a guy, he's a chiropractor) about this thing and that thing.

He had a little test and one of the questions was, "Do you have an intolerance of stupid people? Do you holler at people in traffic? Does no one do things right in your book? Do you walk in a room and only see the one thing out of place instead of all the in-place items?

I was dumbfounded by these questions. I thought I was just an asshole. I didn't know there could be a thing going on.

wtf??

I love this shit. I really do!

Apologies for all the swearing. That just flowed out like sewage, but maybe it was clogging my sweet innards. Heh!

So . . . here I am . . . looking for answers as I always am. I will report back.

Practical Application 1

The Night Before

I took a detox bath.

Epsom salts, baking soda, candles, hot water, me.

I know that detoxing can help my immune system and encourage my body to flush out all that is bad - all the toxins I have taken in. We don't have to talk about what type of toxins they were. Do we? blinkblinkblink . . . . Do I appear charming? No? Rats! This is why I need detoxing!

I wash my face and fill the tub at the same time. Dumping in some marvelous-smelling Epsom salts I've had in a lovely glass bin waiting. I dump in some baking soda to alkalize the bath water as well. As the tub fills and steam begins to rise I can smell the salts. Mmmm! I'm loving that!

I hop in and start screeching. It's been a while since I've used the spa tub in our bathroom and filling it has loosened some gunk that has been hiding in the jets. Disgusting! I hop back out and scoop out all that blech and dreck. Hop back in.

I've lit two candles. I've forgotten to turn out the bathroom lights.

Grr

I press down on the spa button to turn on the jets. Nothing. I press again. Nothing.

I call for Pup.

"It smells so good in here! Do you want me to turn out the lights?"

He does. It's nearly pitch black. My two little candles aren't cutting it.

"I can't get the tub to turn on." I show him how I'm pushing the button. He reaches his huge thumb in there and ON goes the tub.

I lay back in the tub. Trying not to think about what else could be floating around in there with me. I don't mean Pup.

I'm to relax for 20 minutes. I look at the clock.

It's been three minutes. Three minutes!

I close my eyes. The lights are damn bright, I think.

I really need to get in here with some Scrubbing Bubbles, I think.

I look at the clock again.

It's been seven minutes.

I shut off my damn mind, lay back again, ignore the bright lights, and make it 15 minutes.

And I have to call Pup to turn off the damn tub.

DETOXED!

~~~~~~~

The Next Morning

I slept hard. It felt hard. My eyes opened up at 7:00 a.m. That's crazy! So late! How do you people get hours of goofing around on the internet completed when you get up so late? I'm winking and nodding.

I slept so hard that I stumbled around for a while getting my bearings. Weaving and bobbing like I was still drunk after a fun night. You know those nights. Don't pretend you don't!

I liked my detox bath. I feel free of chemicals.

Okay - I really don't, but I am suspending belief and imagining those nasty toxins running away from me. With their bags packed. Getting on the train to Toxinville.

Conclusion

I'd do it again. More candles, clean jets, open mind.

Be Thankful, Even for the Mess

Thanksgiving came and went. Pup and I watched movies yesterday nearly non-stop. Some of the mess from the previous days activities still hanging around in The Big Room. It really looked so lovely at the beginning of the day Thursday.

But I didn't take any photos.

"Momma! You haven't taken any photos today." My Bella said at the end of the day.

I was in the kitchen mostly. In the kitchen doing a bit of damage control. My friend AB was helping me thank god and thank you AB. The aftermath of a big meal is sometimes horrendous! I walk in there and think, "F- it. I'm moving." Mostly because I just don't know where to start.

But you do. Start that is. And it gets cleaned up. I'm kinda getting why my own momma was tiring of having holidays after a while. So much work. And it feels, just a little bit, like no one cares.

It made me cranky. Not thankful. Kinda bitchy. "Vicious!" Pup always says. He loves a vicious-woman he says. I know he doesn't really think I'm vicious. But I am cranky.

So, pour me a drink and I'll clean the damn kitchen. Bah!

:)

This little dude was there making everything worth it.

Yes, he really is that beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pup and I are starting to poke around for something on a lake or river. Just a little chunk of something. For later. For now. No, despite my exclamation up there ^ we are not moving. I just like to kvetch.

Because I have to embrace all that I am. And right now I'm whining.

I'm also tired of the kinda Facebook life everyone is leading. You know what I mean; either everyone is perfect and happy and never needing to clean their house or a shower or they're politicking, passive-agressiving (which I am the queen of), leaving cryptic "words of wisdom" all over the f-ing place, or simply saying stupid stuff. Oh, I do it too! Don't let me get away with pretending I don't! That place is kinda a swamp. The smart ones lurk and sit down.

I'm not really this vicious in real life. I just like to play one on the internet.

indulging my vintage in my office

I do think I worry too much about what is right and what is thought. Yesterday I was poking around at one of my favorite poke-around shops and I was feeling pressured by a few people behind me that were wanting to be standing where I was standing. Sometimes, most times, I might move to let them in. Yesterday I widened my stance, shot one of them a small smile, and finished my browsing in the section I was in.

I felt amazing. Not aggressive. Not bitchy. I just felt empowered for a minute. There are ways to be effective without being bitchy Deborah.

Whooooo ya!

It's day three of the long weekend. What are you doing today?

Thinking

1990 or so. I think. Help me Naea?

Lorenzo and I had a weepy moment the other day. Separately.

I had started the day just thinking that my insomnia was getting the best of me and felt as though I just may be starting to lose it. A little bit of crying at my computer and I was good to go. I, personally, don't see anything wrong with a little cry now and then. It always makes me feel better!

I head out to an appointment and get a call from my darling Lorenzo. I miss it because I'm in my noisy Ruby (Jeep Wrangler) so I call her back.

"Momma, did you listen to my voicemail?" Lorenzo said. "I am having a crying jag! I woke up this morning and started thinking about Nana."

My momma, her Nana, died eight years ago in September.

I had been thinking about her on and off all week as well. It hadn't really hit me why I was thinking about her because I think about her often.

We now know why we were weeping. Even if you don't think you consciously remember; it's down there in your brain.

Love you my Momma. Miss you always.

Owl's Right with the World

Oh yeah. This is what you might think it is! I look like a total dork and I'm certain I scared Pup when he came to bed, but I tried this out last night and slept nearly eight hours.

I'm convinced eight hours to you sleep-gifted types is no big deal, but for me it was nirvana. I am not over-speaking!

And it's an owl! (thank you my Reechie).

Have a great weekend everyone. Pup and I are (kinda) going camping!

Smooches

Time for a Cool Change

Come for a ride with me?

 I bend over to see what is floating across the floor.

Oh, of course. It's a dust bunny. Ironically, the size of a real bunny.

"How does that manage make me feel like a bad housekeeper," I ask myself? "Surely, even Martha Stewart occasionally has dust bunnies floating across her floor, yes?"

sigh

I'm feeling transient. Restless. Maybe even edgy.

No reason behind any of it. It could be insomnia related. I'm certain that the brain has a hard time with insomnia. After, perhaps, six or seven days of four or so hours a night there isn't much left up there to help cool my hot head.

That's what I need! A cool washcloth placed over my restlessness. Like your momma would do when you were feverish. That cool cloth on your forehead with your momma's hand pushing it into place always made you feel like you were loved and safe.

The house is very quiet and still. The dog shuffles towards the back door, looking at me as if to say, "What the hell; I'll go pee if you really think I need to."

Yeah, I think you need to.

I step outside with him. It's lovely! The sun is just showing its yellow sliver - giving a huge clue what's ahead for this Sunday.

I bring my coffee up to my lips. Sip it and smile. Yep, Everything feels better with a cool washcloth.

Rock and sock it today my hooches. Summer is just beginning!

Both Sides Now

New hat for this summer's lot parties?

I sleep hot.

Sounds rather provocative doesn't it?

It adds to my insomnia.

I wake early - sometimes I can talk myself into falling back asleep. But I know that there is something very seductive about the early morning. Especially in the summer.

From both sides of it.

When I was dating my Wasband I was in my early 20s. We had a huge group of friends and most every Thursday evening, especially in the summer, after we had gotten off from work at 12:30 a.m., we'd run over to the local pub, slam down a couple of cocktails, then meet in the parking lot to figure out what we were going to do next.

We were young, had been cooped up for hours indoors, and had some steam that needed letting out.

So we'd head to a spot either by the airport or down by the river. Both places had great potential. Lot parties we would call these. Impromptu. Beer fueled. Music ruled. Lots of music. Loud music.

Many times it was my classic Mustang with the Jensen speakers I would pull out of my back seat and place on the roof of my car that would provide our music.

We'd gather in groups, laughing, talking, singing, dancing. Sometimes we'd have a fire. Sometimes we'd have a dance floor. Just depended.

Someone always had a cooler or two of beer in their trunk. A few more enterprising and planfull people (girls!) would have brought a bottle, ice, and some mix.

I'm a great singer/dancer. I am! My hugest delight is that our generation was not a YouTube generation and there is no video evidence of just how great I REALLY am. Because we all know the answer to that one. Some things need to stay in our memories. Not messed up with the reality of what really was.

So I'd sing and dance my way through the evening. Annoying everyone around me. Luckily many of those around me loved me and thought me charming. Maybe I was charming. Yes, sometimes I was charming.

Late nights soon become early morning. Especially here in Minnesota. The sun begins to come up way too early. At least for young uns dancing and drinking until all hours.

I'd always get a bit sad and introspective when the sun would begin to come up. We'd put away our coolers, I'd take down my speakers. The sudden quiet was always both known and unknown. Every time it was different. We both loved it and wanted it to go away.

But there it always was. Every time smiling its new and shiny face on us. What was this day going to bring?

We'd hug and say goodbye to everyone - all those people I loved. We'd go home, some of us together, some of us alone, and sleep the day away.

Now I wake up when the sun is beginning the day. It's just as lovely. I'm just as introspective. I can't resist the early morning allure can I?

It's just as good on this side.

Did I Wake You?

It's early, I've been up for a while already and it's still early. The insomnia has kicked into overdrive the past few weeks. It leaves me headachy, fuzzy, and even more forgetful. Poopy shitty!

I secretly love the house when it's this early though. I love padding around with no lights on, although with the electronic equipment Pup has all over you'd never need a light. LED spots dot the living room and the office is nearly lit up like Target Field on game night.

But being up this early is weirdly comforting. The neighborhood is quiet, mostly it's dark out there, no one driving on the street, no kids rollicking, no adults cheesing it up in their front yards.

George (dog) is snoring away on the office floor, Calvin (cat) is stalking something out in the living room (I'm scared to find out what it is), and Pup is snoring away up in the loft.

I'm awake. Surprise!

I can't blame our neighbors this time either.

We have neighbors whose backyard butts up against our backyard. Pup put up a big privacy fence when George and I moved in so George could run around back there and I could let him out of the door in the morning without having to watch him like the lazy bitch I am. :)

Our backyard neighbors, while seemingly very very nice, have two lights on the back of their house that are bright enough to weed your garden to. In my yard I mean. I can see every blade of grass on my lawn when that light is on. It lights up the back of our house as well. Our bed is up against that side of the house in the loft and when they throw the switch for those lights our bedroom is lit up as well. Wakes me every time. Pup sleeps awesomely and it doesn't wake him - ever. I'm so envious!

A few weeks ago Pup and I went to a birthday party where I may have had a few shots along with my Margaritas.

When we got home our backyard looked like it was having a party without us. It was the neighbor's light.

I set my bag down, cupped my hands to my mouth, and sweetly said in my soft little voice, "Hey! Come on! How many planes do you think you'll be landing tonight?"

A few seconds later, BLINK, their lights go out. We stare at each other in amazement and then fall out laughing.

Sweet, Sweet Sleep

I have insomnia.

Bad.

Real bad.

I'm up right now at 1:30 a.m. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been up most of the night last night, and the night before.

Why, oh why?

I'm constantly on the hunt for a way to sleep.

Melatonin - made me have crazy-ass, semi-scary dreams. I still have a bottle in the bathroom.

5HTP - crazy dreams, but more just disturbing rather than doom-filled.

Potatoes, Not Prozac - this actually helped for a while. I didn't like eating potatoes just before bed. Plus I'm a lazy-ass and more often than not I didn't have any at the ready. And I'm trying to go easy on carbs. See what I mean? Lazy-ass.

Magnesium supplement - I haven't given this one a fair chance as of yet.

So, here I am. It's dark. It's cold in this office. The dog is snoring away. The cat has abandoned me since I had to put him on Prozac (long story you do not want to hear). And I'm a little lonely.

I've twisted my hair into spirals on my head. If someone knocked on the door right now I would ignore them for fear of scaring the living crap out of them. I look pretty weird.

It puts me in the mood to make a list!

Things to do:

1. Finish varnishing doors in house. It's only been 18 months since I stained them. What's the hurry?
2. Organize my office for the 15th time. Where does all this shit come from anyway? You'd think I was a procrastinator or something. Ha!
3. Stay off the gad damn sugar. Seriously. It will kill you, you dumbass. Oh! Was that harsh? Too bad! I hate that I love that damn shit.
4. I know it is as windy as standing under a helicopter out there, but get out side and pick up George's dog-bombs. They aren't going to go away on their own. Amazing how six short months of his unrepentant pooping makes a huge shit-storm for me. Heh.
5. Get a plan for your new little garden. Pick stuff you'll actually eat. Yes, you can do it. Focus.
6. Turn up the hot tub every day. You own it and deserve a nice soak. It's heaven, it's free, and it's yours. Do it!

Ooooooh, I feel much better. Not sleepy, but much better.

Funny how being up late makes me want to turn on all the lights and vacuum.

It this bad?