Hot Men Friday

 Leonardo DiCaprio

Mmm! 

My friend Shelley-Belly and I went to see The Great Gatsby a long time ago and when Gatsby was finally shown to us on the screen (Leo) the two of us did a collective sigh because he was so golden and lovely. He has become a very handsome man and I enjoy every movie he's in.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

The Great Gatsby

Always Wondering

• Why does everyone hang their televisions on the wall even if they have a lovely credenza to place it on? 
• How do the people with the long long fingernails clean their lady (and/or manly) bits? 👀
• Do people put makeup on every day? 
• Do people generally always have a company-ready house?
• Is it normal to want to get new luggage all the time? I've only been on a plane twice now since the pandemic. 
• Do all of us get huge satisfaction getting new batteries in all their lovely watches?
• Is it okay to put on a Yankees cap rather than do (my) hair?
• Why is it so hard for this country to simply make everyone register their firearms and keep records of a sale or theft? Smoke vs fire and all that. 👀
• Why do I have to reapply Chapstick dozens of times a day and yet cannot drink over 16 oz of water in a day. 😑
• How do dust-bunnies reappear hours after running that damn Roomba?
• Is that Roomba doing anything?
• Am I doing anything?

Summer! Today and yesterday just might be perfection. Windows open, fresh breezes, fresh grass smells wafting in, my dog barking like a crazed mutt if anyone dare walk by the house. I love her, but I believe she's responsible for dust-bunnies and my peace of mind. Ha!

~And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Get out there today! Make it and shake it. xxoo

The Resurrection of Hot Men Friday - For Me Me Me

 Austin Butler

Pup and I went to see "Elvis" a few weeks ago. I was blown away. This kid made me believe Elvis was truly still alive and just as he was, pink suits, lacy shirts, perfect jet black hair, a cool factor that can't be faked, but just is.

You know how a movie sometimes will stick in your brain days and days after seeing it? This one did that for me. I was sobbing pretty hard at the end because Elvis' end was so tragic. 

If you can or have a mind to, run and see this on a screen near you. Even if you are not an Elvis fan, you will love the joy and happiness that seemed to be in Elvis and the sadness he had at the end. 

Loved it!

Are you believing?

Back & Forth; Left & Right; Needing to be the Loudest Voice in the Room

I have been so angry for several years. I don't love it much. Angry and judgmental of many in my life. This is not the woman I want to be. I am searching for ways to make peace with my anger around things since 2016 and redirect my anger towards something productive? Or entertaining? Or educational? Or even interesting?

I am always and forever bossy and opinionated and in this time that is kinda a shut-up-and-appear-stupid time. You know, the old quote that goes something like, "Be quiet and thought a fool or open your mouth and remove all doubt." It seems a long thing to tattoo on my person, but maybe it could be a good reminder? Or just shut up and dance. 

On My Phone:

Davie shamed into submission. She's fine the little Drama Queen

Our little Squeeks is 14 years old! 

Well, this thing did need some sort of carrying system am I right? 

I love the morning light in my Big Room

I swore to never get a recliner. And then I found this weird little thing. I know, I know, it doesn't work entirely with the sofa, but it's a good thing for this knee-challenged person!

Summer called out to me to get a new ridiculous bag. I was happy to comply

How Are We Doing?

What a long, strange trip it's been. 

In April, after season, we went to Mexico with Bella and her new love. Let's call him LB. 

I have a bad knee and somehow I twisted it and it was worse than ever. It made walking about the resort very challenging and not fun. I decided to have it replaced - something I've been avoiding for a long time. 

So I did on May 31st.

Everyone said:

• it's a breeze!
• you'll be so happy you did it!
• recovery is fast!

May I say I was not looking forward to being put out for this. I got some excellent advice and opted for the spinal. I woke up to seeing the lovely face of one of Lorenzo's good friends who also happened to be working at the surgery center I went to. 

"Oh Lee! Lovely Lee! You are so lovely! Let me see your face! You came to see me?"

An easy wake up! It was so good! When I had surgery for a meniscus tear back in 2009 my memory of waking up is crying on the table for hours and everyone ignoring me. I'm certain this didn't happen. I'm dramatic apparently even when anesthetized! 

So for this summer I've been recovering . . . and recovering . . . and recovering. It is not a breeze. It's not horrible, but it's not a breeze. Why would I ever have believed that? I feel the same way my sister-in-law must have felt after she had a baby. She recounted how I had described my labor with Bella to her, "One half hour and two pushes and the doctor caught her like a football!" Her experience wasn't that I'm assuming. I am dramatic.

So things are getting back a bit. I even drove last night for a little ways! (new knee is on the right side).

On my phone!

Davie (she's a girl - I know, I know) guarding us from anyone walking down the street with a dog. 

Life at the Lake

Some things never change with me. 

Pup using Davie as a pillow. Call the humane society!

Lorenzo and Pebbles sick sick sick!

Pupism from just this morning. "The bill I just paid asked for an email, I put down eatme@eatme.com. Luckily they'll think it was from you!" Oh Pupski!

A Long Line of This

 

This has nothing to do with anything. Except my heart.

Whoa!

I unexpectedly drank nearly a bottle of wine last night. Pup and I went to our daughter's house for dinner and I brought two bottles of wine. I like to do that because you can drink one and then there's one as an offering for a delicious dinner. But we opened the second bottle. I was tipsy and so very lucky that I always have a built-in sober driver as Pup isn't much of a drinker. Whoa! I'm still feeling wobbly all these hours later and the next morning. Whoa!

My daughter Bella is so happy! 

She's had a rough go of it the past few years. Having breast cancer, getting a divorce, dealing with a layoff from a job she had held for nearly 20 years. That's a lot of changes. And this girl isn't a huge fan of changes on the whole.

She is four years out from her cancer. One more year and it's all good news yes? Even now it's good news. The best news.

On the rest of it. She has an even better job. She is in a relationship with someone she has known since her teen years. She has bought a house. She has dealt with all of this stuff with a new and profound awareness and a coming of age (man I'm full of the clever sentences today yes?) that is heart-warming and wonderful to be around. Her home last night was chaotic (her new man has two daughters and she has two sons so we now have five grandchildren!) and full of laughing and toys and mess and love. It's great. The house she bought is coincidentally near one of Pup's offices. About three miles away! So even though she has moved a bit away and we moved a bit away I am near her and all of them when I'm working. So great!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An empath is someone who feels more empathy than the average person. These people are usually more accurate in recognizing emotions by looking at another person's face. They are also more likely to recognize emotions earlier than other people and rate those emotions as being more intense.Oct 30, 2020 - Medical News Today

I have been told by two therapists now that I am an empath. When the first therapist told me this I ran away from him as fast as I could. I didn't know what it meant, but I wanted no part of it. It seemed like bullshit and yet down in the deepest part of my mind I recognized this to be true. But I didn't like it. I dislike it. I don't want to know the stuff I know. It isn't good for me, a deeply-flawed person, to have this stuff floating around in my mind and bothering my mind and worrying my mind. I do seem to use this as a way to punish myself for real and imagined sins. I love to be the victim in my mind and will weep and moan about things until I bore anyone listening and even more so myself. Whoa!

If all of that sounds crippling it isn't. This slow understanding has freed me from a thing or two about a thing or two. I am talking in circles I realize. I thought I was ready to talk about a thing or two, but it appears I'm not quite there! Whoa!

I ran away from my second therapist because we came to a few realizations around my family that were hard to know. Even though I knew them already. Hearing it from someone with no baggage from my family was sobering and scary. There's no place to go when an impartial party says the things that are hard to hear. That's good, but I ran anyway. Because I'm good at that.

Life in the lump at the lake.

At the Lake

I'm at the lake.

I don't even know how long I've been up here! Weeks. One daughter asked me if I'm isolating and if I'm still seeing my therapist. Wah? I feel I've hit the age where both of them listen to me (or not listen to me) and nod with an all-knowing nod and think, "Oh Momma; she's getting on now - she doesn't really have anything interesting to say." That is total conjecture. I have no idea what they're thinking. I'm very good at projecting. Because my greatest fear is becoming irrelevant. Yuck! But I am a pain in the ass. I always have been. No excuses here, but it's good to know the reason yes?

This is my home. I have two of them. If I were at the non-lake home wouldn't I be just as isolated? No one is seeing anyone just yet. I can text, facetime, and call from here just as easily as I can from there. In fact I've done tele-therapy from the lake. As long as Pup isn't around it's not a problem. I love him, but he doesn't need to hear my therapy.

Enough.

Truth? I love it here. It's quiet, deer are in my yard on the daily. I have my pets here, my husband is here with me 4-5 days during the week. We have 3.5 acres which isn't all that huge, but it's peaceful. I have my Wrangler up here. I have my clothesline up here. I have books. I have the internet. I have Hulu. I have the deck, the porch, the tiny hot tub we put in. I have sun umbrellas, I have the lake.

Who am I trying to convince?

Hello Tiny Froggy

View from the Tub

Cat Showing Dog Who's Boss

Quiche ala No Lorraine

Local Porch Idea

What's Lower Than the Down in the Dumps?

I have so many thoughts around the necessary changes our country is going through I can't even begin. I won't because I'm sure I wouldn't express myself graciously. I'm am very not gracious these days.

I've been DRAGGING my butt around for a few weeks. Literally dragging it. Forcing myself to GET WITH IT! I cannot. Gah and wth? I've misplaced my spark. My joy. My energy. Could it be real? Could it be self-indulgence? Could it be I'm just this way? Oh please, tell me it's not that. I can't be that. I'm tired of that!

Shameful confession approaching - Pup got the PPP loans (he's so grateful) and is able to pay his employees even though they cannot work for us (one can a bit) at this moment (sunken office building much? gah) and I'm one of the employees so I've gotten a bit of a bonus these past few weeks.

So I'm on a binge of not only bad behavior with eating and (not) working out (ever), but I'm buying things like a mad-bitch. Not just for me, but everywhere.

I feel shameful that I've taken this money from the government somehow when others may have needed it more. Although Pup had to spend it or pay it (all??) back. I'm fuzzy on the details. He was so thankful getting it because he felt so badly about his employees getting the boot unexpectedly. I mean, really? Not to woe-is-me too much, but we literally have no electricity in our office and cannot use it. I love working there during season and that was plucked. Man I can complain. That's okay. So the office is kaput.

Possible silver lining - we might just look for space in a more neutral location that can serve both of Pup's offices. Combine the two yet keep them separate, but he'd have staff. Me, our assistant, and whoever we get (hopefully the guy doing it now) to do tax preparation help. Now his non-sinkhole-sunk space is just two rented office spaces within another firm and there's no room for me or any other staff. I think this is a good idea. His firms could be managed both by me and his workday could be streamlined. He's on the fence, but starting to see the benefit. He loves officing (again, non-sinkhole-office) with his brother-in-law, but it might be time to branch out and have his own branding. Right now his Pup-firm isn't represented by bil's firm. The branding is bil's. I'm not making sense, but try to get me. I'm messy and fuzzy forever apparently. Gah! lol

So that has potential to be great.

Why am I talking?

cold on the boat

kitty love at the lake 

I do a lot of this on my phone - paint by number - relaxing and avoidance behavior

Take a Break!

I'm driving home from the lakehouse yesterday and about an hour into the trip my (newish) car beeped at me rather insistently. A message popped up on the display right behind the wheel showing me a cup of aromatic coffee and the statement: Take a break!

What?

Now my car is bossing me around?

We bought a used Mercedes Benz last October and the fun portion of the owner's manual is missing so I'm learning all the weirdnesses as they occur. This one is brand new. Could my car know when I'm tired? I was tired yesterday.

Overall I love the car. It was a little bit of a splurge, but Pup never does anything recklessly, but moves forward with our stuff conservatively and smartly. I do believe. He's an 180 from me. I'm compulsive and emotional when it comes to purchases. Don't even ask me about the Amazon packages that arrive every day. Come on! I need a lettuce keeper! I need yet another type of hair mousse - this one promising hair that isn't frizzy or flat.

Speaking of hair - oh my. I do not think there is a dark hair left on my head. I kinda had an idea, but now that I cannot see my darling Gabrielle (Juut colorist I've been seeing for 12 years) right now I have seen the most alarming skunk-like strip on the top of my head. Gah! Pup colored my hair for me once (thank you Madison Reed!) and it's time again.

I'm a bit floppy in my feelings right now. This Pandemic thing is not fun for any of us. I vacillate daily on what I believe to be true around everything. Today I'm sad. I'm sitting here with said hair unwashed for many days looking a mess. I've gained weight. I'm sad. Today I'm going to practice some gratitude. I hear that helps. I see my therapist today (via tele therapy) so I'll wash hair and put on makeup. Pup is feeling sad too. He denies, but I see it. His businesses are weird right now with tax season being extended three months. There just isn't a sense of urgency for him and that's untethering. No after season trip - his reward for a well-worked season - and a strange summer looming ahead.

And one of our offices (the one I normally work at) is in a huge sinkhole and has no electricity. Pup moved the end of the needs to his other office and we forwarded the phones. I spoke to the property manager a few days ago and he said it might be months before we can move back in. MONTHS! We're weighing our options. We could move into a different suite, but we have ours so perfect! It took a few years to get it right.

Bitch bitch bitch.

Where's my gratitude?

I am one decision from a whole new life. Do it girl.

Many of us feel this way.

I Have a Story for That . . .

We went to Vegas the day after Christmas a few weeks ago. Just for a couple of days. We hadn't been for five years or so and we thought it would be fun to gamble a bit. I booked us at the Bellagio because why not! It is a lovely hotel, but we had forgotten that Vegas is still smoking-friendly. Yuck!

So, we checked into our room and since it was still early morning (10:30 or so) we unpacked and thought we'd take a little nap before heading down to the casino.

About 1/2 hour in I started to feel uncomfortable. Then very uncomfortable. Like my tummy had a pain that I could stretch out, but no matter how much I stretched it would not go. It got worse and worse. I was rocking and moaning and throwing up. Scott wanted to call 911, but I kept saying, "It can't be THAT bad."

But it was and he called the front desk. Cut to me being ferried out on a gurney through the back halls and deep dark places in the hotel where we customers never go. I didn't care because I was crying. Like a baby!

Vegas emergency rooms are crazy! But the staff was great. One CT scan later and blood work I'm told I have the tiniest of kidney stones. Little stone, big pain.

But that's not the funny part.

They shot me full of oxycodone and gave me a prescription for a few more. So, drugged up to the max we go back to our room. The next day the stone was doing it's thing so I took a couple of my pills during the day. Pup and I watched a Godfather marathon and I was playing on my phone and napping. Out of it.

But not out of it enough to stop myself from ordering an office chair for Pup. An office chair that cost $785. Yep. A very fancy office chair. It arrived the day after we returned from Vegas. Pup knew I had done it, but I had NO MEMORY.

A few weeks later I received a beautiful map of Wisconsin. It came from ROMANIA.

For the next week or so I was fearful of what might be coming in the mail. I was unsupervised!

Pup is fired as a nanny.

Making the Change

It started with tiny things.

I try to smile for no reasons.
I tamp down unruly anger.
I don't drink much, but I'm drinking pretty much not at all.
I go to my therapist.
I listen to Spotify. It has everything you could want and things you didn't know you wanted.
I listen to my podcasts during my two hours of daily commuting.
I love my husband.
I love my family.
I love my job.
I love my damn pets. They save me with their love.
I cry when I damn well want to. No shame in that.
I embrace my faults. Because listen, we all have them. Yes even you! Hehehe!

All of me loves all of you. (Thank you John Legend.)

I many times think I am not special, yet yearn so to be special. But surprise! I am special because I am the only one of me. Good, bad, and ugly. All of our damn selves! It's okay to think we're special.

Changes.

A thoughtful love language.

The Green Train!

You looking at me?

The Tank and The Hulk

💕

No love for the car ride

Roosters and daisies

Furry Love

Turn Me on Dead Man - Beatles

I'm not sufficiently demoodied to write, but wanted to log something or dump something right out of my brain.

So - it's dumped.

Such a face.

Soakin' up the life. 

Can I Hear a Boo-ya?

Today is December 7th. Pup and I are again at the lake getting it ready for our Christmas in a couple of weeks. I just completed cleaning for the entire day and it looks good around here. I do love this weird little lakehouse. I love that we're down in the creek end of the lake where it's quiet and while we do have access to the lake (although an adventure always getting out there!) we are living the good life here on our three acres of creek-front where we can bring the nuggets and frolic outdoors and just let them run wild. No worries mostly.

And when we want some crazy we putt-putt out through the channel and get out on the big parts of the lake where we can go to any number of spots for cocktails and ass-food. It's fun around there. Then we putt-putt-back to our quiet end and enjoy a fire or a mini-binge on Netflix or a nice sit on the patio or deck or read the local papers to each other.

(can't seem to insert anything here - grr)

It's so good.

You know,

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?

~Sheryl Crow

I am feeling better. I finally made an appointment with the therapist and actually went to the appointment. I nearly threw up beforehand, but made it! I cannot believe the spew she had to listen to. I can't believe the crap I managed to blab about in that 50 minutes. She nearly had to throw me out while I was telling some weird and aimless story about who knows what? But it made me feel better. Just the saying stuff without censoring myself was a release. Ya

This woman doesn't know the extent of my crazy or even care about me (yet) and that is a release as well. Weird yes?

I am promising myself I will go and not run away.

Is This Helping?

Nah

Again - my pets - right now my dog - knows something is up.

Pup and I are at the lake to finish up de-summerizing the place and cleaning after having the nuggets here a few weeks ago. I was welcomed into the space by a bunch of halloween items. A bat hanging from the mailbox. A "keep out" sign in my herb pot. Orange pumpkins of the styrofoam kind scattered in the yard on the lakeside. I love those nuggets. Inside is a ghoul that we left on the curtain rod because he was entirely wet when we packed up to go home.

This place is a mess. Unmade beds, A toilet where a 6 year-old peed and didn't always hit his mark. Toys everywhere.

Today I have a plan.

Last night I couldn't sleep.

Pup doesn't really love going to bed early. I went to bed around 9 or 9:30. He came with me. I had weird and fitful dreams and woke up at two and got up at four.

But today I have my plan even though I'm sitting here at the computer watching episodes of Hoarders. wtf anyway?

Pup got up at five and is now sleeping in the "lump" and watching "How It's Made." He loves that show. He is sleeping. I can hear it.

I watch Hoarders because I fear I could become one. But I am constantly purging. I take bags and bags of things to Goodwill. I will declutter this place today. It helps me stay good. Calm. Superficially together.

Fake it until you make it. I think it helps.

Peace out old woman.

Never

It's weird that when you're in a thing. When you're in a way. When you're in it and can't crawl out. It's weird because people don't notice. Or they don't want to notice. Or they're scared of noticing. Or you don't notice them noticing. But my pets notice. Talk about empaths! They're on me like butter on toast. It's annoying entirely. It's comforting.

I'm tired. So tired. I sleep fitfully as I do and yet want to sleep all the time. I had my little nugget here the other day and he took a very long nap and I did as well. Just lay down on the couch and slept. Groggy when I heard him awake. Groggy all the time.

Pup gets home and we eat dinner, I clean up, we sit on the couch where after a few minutes I say, "I'm coming in" which means I'm going to lay on him and I fall asleep. I sleep all evening. Then I get up and say, "I'm going to bed."

Then start again the next day.

Sleeping

TV

Reading

Nothing

I resent any plans I've made or had to make. The thought of the holidays coming up scare me not a little. I wanted to host Thanksgiving and I am, but it's looming and I feel overwhelmed. Gah

Christmas has been bad for me since I left my Wasband. His birthday is Christmas day so I've never spent the eve or the day with my kids since then. Bam - never. Pup and I are always alone. It shouldn't matter, but it gets me every year. This year we had picked the day after for our celebration, but the girls thought it would be nice to go to the cabin and have stay overs over the weekend of the 21st. But that overwhelmes me. I have to bring Christmas there? I wanted to decorate my new house with a huge real tree and celebrate here. I love the thought of waking to my family, but Pup and I will still be alone on the days. And no one will see our Christmas.

I remember wondering why my own momma stopped thinking she had to set up a tree. Why bother when no one is going to see it? This isn't what I thought having a family would be. I thought having kids would guarantee no loneliness, but I'm lonely. So . . . I had unrealistic expectations around that. I don't get Christmas. I don't get Thanksgiving all the time.

We teach people how to treat us. I've not wanted to be a pain and because of that I am a pain. I'm the one who broke up our home. I'm to blame for that and more. I'm the one. I don't get Christmas.

It feels selfish to want Christmas sometimes. I want my own family around me sometimes on the days of Christmas.

But they get to choose how they have their own family Christmas. I'm just not part of that any longer.

When my momma died my dad remarried right away and moved away. We never saw him for Christmas again.

Pup and I need to have our own plan for Christmas and I need to snap out of it.

But I have no snap left. I need to collagen up on my snap for fuck's sake.

Sometimes We Do Fall Down

Paralyzed could be the way I'm being. Stuck is a word I've used often. I'm growing tired of that word, but yes, stuck.

I've had the name of a therapist for three or so months in my day planner and have not made an appointment. Who knows why. Lazy? Afraid? Lazy? Stuck? Unwilling to do the work? I don't know.

I saw a therapist about three years ago for less than a dozen times. When it started getting hard I ran. I had even warned him I was a runner. My unwillingness to face myself is kinda laughable. I claim I want to dig deep, but don't.

I'm feeling unlovable, unlikeable, unworthy. I'm looking at those words and am now feeling like a big whiner and pussy. WThell is the problem? I'm definitely at an age where I really should know a few more answers than I do.

My old therapist was a perfectly nice person and I'm certain he could have helped me, but here's one thing that led to my running. He mentioned I'm an empath and in that time I did not know what that meant. I understood that to mean something whooo-hoo and unworldly. I have since found out it simply means you feel other's feelings or some such shit. A better way to explain might be I can feel another's sense of certain things. More than I care to frankly. I don't like being one. I realize empathy is something we need more of, but I'm not sure this is what it means in my mind.

I don't know. All of what I've just written looks like so much dumb-ass mutterings. Blech.

I am way too sensitive and take things way personally. Although, at times, I believe it might be the only way to take a particular incident or experience.

Fuck

The other evening some plans Pup and I had fell through (she forgot we had made plans) and I fell apart. In my fake or real empath way I am feeling that someone has total contempt for me now and maybe forever, and only has contact with me at all because I'm her momma.

I'm overstating I pray, but somewhere in there is a kernel of the real story. We haven't talked about the real story so I don't know what's wrong. Everything. Nothing. But it's there and unforgivable. I'll talk about what it probably is soon.

But, the other night when the plans were changed I had a quiet, but complete meltdown. I cried in my bed for hours. Had the darkest thoughts I've ever had. The thoughts even scared me. I felt so worthless and terrible I - just for a moment - imagined I could end me and others would be better off.

what the fuck

Scary to imagine and I had to crawl out of bed and watch something on my computer and sleep sitting up in my desk chair. fuck

The next day I snapped out of it a little.

I do snap out of my dark moods/thoughts, but they are dark and deep and I sometimes seem to relish them or encourage them or do nothing to dissuade them.

fuck

fuck and stuck

To hide I shop too much. I eat too much. I do nothing too much. I push friends away too much until I barely have any left. I watch tv too much. Do nothing too much. Sit too much. Ponder too much.

Ring Around the Rosey - We All Fall Up

Fall has always felt more like the beginning of the year for me. With fall fashion for us to check out and the fall organizing and buttoning up of all things summer it seems like a great place to begin a new thought.

Years and years ago I had a thread on a forum-type place (I got kicked off! ha! So did my friend T! I don't know what we did - something horrible! No we didn't, but we did get kicked off.) named Wrecking Ball. But now that term has been overtaken by a young 'un singer so I need a new phrase - hmm . . . My youngest daughter mentioned a few months ago in passing that she was having the Year of Lorenzo. I like that. I kept saying a year ago that it was my Last Good Summer because the following summer I was turning a certain age, ahem, and life as I know it would be over. Of course it isn't, but I am dramatic. Life isn't. IT ISN'T!

Maybe "They're All Good Summers" or "I'm Forever in Summer" or "Summer is my Middle Name." How about "Forever Fall?"

I'll think a minute longer.

I like beginnings. The thinking, the plotting, the progress charting, the checklists.

Time to turn on the fireplace. Time to make stew. Time to organize our office. Time to bring the kitties home from the lake. Time to begin.

Squeeky in love

Me in love

Love in space

Puppers love