Overheard

Not my Jeep, but this made me laugh.

Again, by me and not a random (as my daughter used to call peripheral types) . . .

Picture Pup. Picture Pup out plowing with my Jeep Wrangler. Plowing snow.

Backstory - the plow used to be on our Liberty, but we bought a new SUV, a Honda Pilot, and the plow wouldn't fit so now it's on my Ruby. Imagine my whining and complaining. Oh yes, there you are.

The Wrangler is much lighter than the Liberty was so Pup is on a bit of a learning curve with this setup. So there he is, out plowing all our neighbors like he wants to do.

He pushes a large chunk to the side on the street. He gets stuck. He gets stuck in not much snow. He can't get out.

He comes in. Four letter words flying. Calling my beloved Ruby names! Heh!

I go out. Discover that Pup doesn't know anything about Wranglers. I quickly put it in low 4-wheel drive. (He's a BMW guy, that's okay he doesn't know about this crap.)

So, while we're out there. Trying to dig out Ruby. Trying to rock her out of the snowbank a Concerned Citizen pulls up.

"Oh! Aaaaahahaha! You have a Jeep with a plow and you're stuck??" He's laughing like a hyena.

"Really?" I say. "That's your helpful advice to me?" I slug at him with my voice. "WE'RE STUCK! Wranglers are light! They get stuck!"

He looks at me with new eyes. The kind of eyes that might be thinking, she may just be a tad cranky.

Oh ya think?

"So, do you have a phone?" he asks. This guy is helpful to the end.

I sigh. I say, "We live right here. Thanks for your concern."

Meanwhile, our friendly drug-dealing neighbors come out on their front step for a smoke (seriously, they have been raided by our bumbling police with battering rams - it was biz as usual a few hours later). They observe the fray. Not to lend their Jack Sprat-type bodies (one a chubby and one very thin) to helping or pushing.

Pup pushes again. I rock it successfully out of the snow bank.

Oh yes, I might be getting a little crabby! lolol

People are so nice. :/

I reach up to my head to feel for horns. I am feeling devilish and I am thinking I should take pity on anyone in my line of sight. Or not.

How you doin'?

Overheard

This is not my creation, but it's so adorable!

We moved Momma Betty (Pup's momma) into an assisted living community recently and while all of this is new and scary for her we want to make certain that she gets the lay of the land. But, of course, all of us are idiots and no one went over any of the paperwork given to us from the facility.

There's a lot to learn.

First of all - you can't just show up in the cafe and expect breakfast. You have to plan for that - as the kitchen would. So we were to have signed up the day before; which we didn't.

No, this is not a restaurant. Ha! You get what they're serving. Three very sad faces in my group. This family eats out a lot! Which means I eat out a lot! There will be a period of adjustment here.

So, while we're wreaking havoc in our Pup-family way, I sit back to listen to some of the other Q-tips (my affectionate naming of the senior-set). There is a conversation going on at a table just off of my left a bit.

Older gentleman is saying to older lady:

How long have you been here?

She replies:

Oh, I think I've been here the longest of anyone. I've been here since 1997!

Older gentleman:

What? No you haven't! I've been here the longest! 

Older Lady:

I don't remember you. I'm certain I would have seen you around.

Older gentleman:

I got down here at 7:30! I was the first!

Older lady shaking her head and looking confused.

Another older gentleman chimes in:

Honey, he means today - how long have you been here today?

She exclaims:

Now why would you want to know that? Breakfast doesn't start until 8:30!

I was choking on my oatmeal.

~~~~~~~

Happy New Year everyone!

Overheard

I went to the funeral of my dear friend's momma's yesterday. I have known my friend since I was around 16 so I have known her momma for that time as well. Many days and evenings were spent at her house and I always found her momma entertaining, lovely, funny, and stylish.

She was a wonderful woman and passed suddenly and unexpectedly. She was 86. When she was 83 she jumped out of an airplane. Yes, she was that woman. Don't you want to be her? Except now that I'm in my 50s, 86 just seems too young. I know that sounds ridiculous. :)

I am sitting in a pew and people watching, as I like to do, and I become aware of a conversation going on behind me. A man and a woman. They know each other, but haven't seen one another for a while from what I was hearing.

The family comes in and takes their places in the front. The man behind me whispers to the woman, "I have one word for _________ - Botox." (I'm not really certain who he was talking about, but I have a good idea.)

The woman giggled. Then the man said, "If you repeat that I will deny." The woman giggled again.

A few minutes later we stood during the singing of the closing hymn so I could turn a bit to see my whisperers. They were about 80 themselves! I had to choke down laughter. I kinda felt like Mary Richards from the Chuckles the Clown episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

I kept it dignified like you know I am (ahem) and giggled to myself now and then the remainder of the day. Seriously put a cherry on the whole experience. And I think my friend's momma would have laughed as well.

Smooches my hooches.

Overheard

Actually, it was me on the phone, having a conversation with a voter. Read this aloud with a loud voice, full of disdain and derision.

Are you trying to talk to me about gays and lesbians for cryin' out loud? I'm a Republican!

Oh well, at least I wasn't talking to a chair. Although my head does hurt a little bit from banging it against several walls.

It's all the other conversations I had that day that made that headache go away. Bang on Minnesotans!

:)

Let's Have a Kiki

I am obsessed with the Scissor Sister's song, Let's Have a Kiki. Obsessed!

*warning - graphic images and language (it's not that bad, but you gotta protect those that need protecting.)

I cannot stop listening to it.

Of course I was a bit confused regarding the meaning of Kiki. Originally I thought party. Then I came to realize it is a word, similar to our much beloved F-word, that can mean anything - driven by the person saying Kiki. Whatever makes you happy. Be it a party, sexy-time, a boy, a girl, a cocktail. If it makes you happy, it's a Kiki.

Necessary or unnecessary background for weekend story.

I went to Rice Lake to visit my friends that have a home on the lake. Peaceful, lovely, warm and calm in the summer and crisp and frozen in the winter. A small small town, but always fun when I go see my oldest and dearest friend, Deb-oh-rah.

When I go to Rice Lake we go auctioning, antiquing, junking. More fun than I deserve.

On this evening we take the pontoon to town to have dinner and a few cocktails.

After dinner we decide to go to the Lions and use Mikey's secret card (not so secret - I just wanted to say that) to gain entrance, and have a delicious cocktail overlooking the lake.

A large group come in. A group that has been having fun all day. Their energy is good! Laughing, story-telling, hitting-each-other-on-the-back fun.

One woman raises her glass and adds onto a story that we have missed the beginning of . . .

"Ladies - how many of you have had to get up in the middle of the night to pee because, in your past, you pushed babies out of your vagina?"

Rowdy laughter!

I mutter under my breath, "Not me, I do my kegels religiously."

Several woman are adding to her inquiry. Much talk about big-headed babies and the mystery of women.

I stand, swept up in the camaraderie of the moment, raise my glass of whiskey and diet, and declare, "Bow to the power of the vagina!"

Dead, cold silence. Picture about two dozen heads swung my way.

I sit and giggle a little. Mikey busts out laughing, Deb laughs a bit nervously.

I take a sip of my cocktail. The bar recovers.

Blurting just may be my Kiki!

How Are They Hanging?

 Overheard

Pup and I were out having breakfast one Saturday morning before starting our errands for the day. Two Q-tips (senior men in this case) were hanging by the grab-a-stuffed-animal game, waiting for I don't know what. Pup and I nearly choked on our scrambleds when we heard this exchange.

#1 How's it going?
#2 They're still hanging.
#1 That's all you can hope for.

The visual in my head will haunt me for years.

Overheard

Overheard while at the Target.

Deborah, could you please help me unload this cart?

A mom to her little girl. The little girl was about nine. Nine! You just don't see my name out there any more. Kinda went by the wayside like Ethyl or Mabel.

I confess, I totally swung my head around 'cuz I thought she was talking to me.

Overheard

At the Twins' game yesterday.

Vince is with us man. He's not out of control; you're out of control. Yeah - he's fine. Security isn't looking for him. We're in section 15. Right behind home plate. If you can't find that then go home.

Nothing hotter than a man with a bowl haircut wearing a camo fatigue-like jacket that has had a few too many BEERS MAN!

I hollered down to him, "Dude, John Denver called and wants his haircut back."

See how clever I am? What? That joke is as old as Jay Leno's latest White House appearance? Aaaah - I'll do better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We swept the Tigers in this third game, a 5-4 victory. We have not lost a series yet. The new home stadium is working its magic.

The stadium is beautiful. It was a seriously cold-ass day though. We dressed in layers and brought along our Twins' blanket that Momma Betty made for Pup a few years back.

I had on a Cuddl Dud, a Denard Span t-shirt, a Twins hoodie, a Twins fleece pullover, and a pair of red leather gloves. And the blanket. I sat with the hood up most of the game. The temp hovered around 52! Brrrrrr! We've spent 28 years playing indoor baseball so NO ONE was bitching about the cold.

We have GREAT seats. Right behind home plate. We're sharing a season ticket with a bunch of other people so we get many more games in this awesome spot.

Our blankee - thanks Momma Betty!

There are warmers on the concourse if you're really freezing. There were COFFEE venders even! Aaaah it was a great baseball day. I wore more Twins gear today that I've ever worn to a game. I don't think I've EVER worn the fleece actually to a game. I was a Twins dork from head to toe.

OH MY GOD I LOVE BASEBALL!

Overheard

Well, maybe not so much overheard as actually said to me while trying to browse in a furniture store.

Vee got new pisses every Friday. You no see something? Vee got new pisses Friday. Vat you looking? I haf whole {incredibly ugly} set in back. You order. This leather vera nice. Touch this.

A word to the unwise. Leave me the hella alone! Grr and arg!

I told you I was looking. Does my handbag look big enough to stuff a robin’s egg blue sofa into it? Why would I WANT a robin’s egg blue sofa? Hmm? Why would ANYONE?? Could this be why there are no customers here?

Arrrrrrg!

Is anything more annoying than the store owner following you around BUGGING you. Does this WORK as a sales method? Sheesh! Where’s my vodka?

Overheard

A woman gesturing and babbling to me indicating that she was going to cut into my line to the cashier at the Aldi's.

Oh no you didn't! (said with jersey accent)

I gave her my bestest mean-momma face. She did not fall under my spell.

Grr and arg!

Overheard

At the swanky club Cooper on Saturday night.

The hilarious Doug, his smart, funny, darling wife Carla, Pup, and I stopped to check out this new club in one of the Minneapolis suburbs.

What a gorgeous place.

So what did I overhear? Not a gad damn thing. Carla and I watched all the tables of people that were not engaging in hilarious convo, (as we were I'm sure! - hey! we're funny) but they were constantly texting away or talking away on all their collective smart phones.

Smart phone my ass. I do believe these people are all dumbasses. In the moment people! Why aren't we in the moment??

Overheard

In Vegas!

Young girl with legs the color of rice running after a boy (she must have been from snow-country). He was running fast.

Hey! Don't you want to buy me a shot? Don't you?!!

Overheard

In Excel class Tuesday, cute, blonde, leather-booted, 40ish instructor Michelle, walking into class with her darling black turtleneck (we know how I feel about these - just ask my daughters) and her leopard-print skirt . . .

Do you guys belong to me? You look like you belong to me.

I'm thinking that most of the men in that class were wishing they belonged to her.

I wanted to surreptitiously take a photo of her because she's the most interesting fashion I've seen yet on campus.

I've been SEARCHING for something interesting, but it is winter here and most people leave their coats on in class. I, myself, rarely take off the scarf wrapped around my neck. It's cold in them thar rooms!

It's a commuter college. Very small campus. I'm thinking that people roam in for class and then roam right back out. That's how I'm rolling anyway. There's no awesome library to hang out in, but I've been considering going to my local library to do financial homework since it is distracting at home. I apparently have the attention span of a 12-year old boy looking at his father's Playboy.

Ha!

Spring is right around the corner they keep telling me.

I saw the first sign of spring, for me anyway. Daffodils! Yes, they are from Trader Joe's, but it is the first sign for me.

Truth? It doesn't get nice here until May. Maybe not even then. Why do I love it here so?

Overheard

Overheard in class this morning.

I commute all the way from St. Paul to attend this class.

Hmm . . . class is in Minneapolis. It is called the Twin Cities for a reason Mr. Mister.

Overheard

At Nordstrom Rack in the shoe department, hidden somewhere in the size 8.5 boots.

Mother, I just hate it when the shoe department is so full of people!

Bear in mind that Lorenzo and I were the only ones within bitch-slappin' distance.

I mumbled something appropriately inappropriate. Bad girl!

Overheard

Overheard at Starbucks (who, BTW, now makes you pay for their "free" wireless. Grr and ack.

Oh! You must be some kind of master tweeter. How do you do it?

Either the guy being kissed up to is a bird in some kind of weird club, or he Twitters.

Overheard

Overheard at a thrift store. Woman on her cell phone. She thought she was all alone.

You heard me right. I tol' him, "I don' put up with that sheet. You cain't have an outside woman and espect me to just lay down and take it."

Uh huh . . . uh huh . . . girl you KNOW I don't call no mens. I do the answering, he does the callin'.

Love it!