At the Lake

I'm at the lake.

I don't even know how long I've been up here! Weeks. One daughter asked me if I'm isolating and if I'm still seeing my therapist. Wah? I feel I've hit the age where both of them listen to me (or not listen to me) and nod with an all-knowing nod and think, "Oh Momma; she's getting on now - she doesn't really have anything interesting to say." That is total conjecture. I have no idea what they're thinking. I'm very good at projecting. Because my greatest fear is becoming irrelevant. Yuck! But I am a pain in the ass. I always have been. No excuses here, but it's good to know the reason yes?

This is my home. I have two of them. If I were at the non-lake home wouldn't I be just as isolated? No one is seeing anyone just yet. I can text, facetime, and call from here just as easily as I can from there. In fact I've done tele-therapy from the lake. As long as Pup isn't around it's not a problem. I love him, but he doesn't need to hear my therapy.

Enough.

Truth? I love it here. It's quiet, deer are in my yard on the daily. I have my pets here, my husband is here with me 4-5 days during the week. We have 3.5 acres which isn't all that huge, but it's peaceful. I have my Wrangler up here. I have my clothesline up here. I have books. I have the internet. I have Hulu. I have the deck, the porch, the tiny hot tub we put in. I have sun umbrellas, I have the lake.

Who am I trying to convince?

Hello Tiny Froggy

View from the Tub

Cat Showing Dog Who's Boss

Quiche ala No Lorraine

Local Porch Idea

What's Lower Than the Down in the Dumps?

I have so many thoughts around the necessary changes our country is going through I can't even begin. I won't because I'm sure I wouldn't express myself graciously. I'm am very not gracious these days.

I've been DRAGGING my butt around for a few weeks. Literally dragging it. Forcing myself to GET WITH IT! I cannot. Gah and wth? I've misplaced my spark. My joy. My energy. Could it be real? Could it be self-indulgence? Could it be I'm just this way? Oh please, tell me it's not that. I can't be that. I'm tired of that!

Shameful confession approaching - Pup got the PPP loans (he's so grateful) and is able to pay his employees even though they cannot work for us (one can a bit) at this moment (sunken office building much? gah) and I'm one of the employees so I've gotten a bit of a bonus these past few weeks.

So I'm on a binge of not only bad behavior with eating and (not) working out (ever), but I'm buying things like a mad-bitch. Not just for me, but everywhere.

I feel shameful that I've taken this money from the government somehow when others may have needed it more. Although Pup had to spend it or pay it (all??) back. I'm fuzzy on the details. He was so thankful getting it because he felt so badly about his employees getting the boot unexpectedly. I mean, really? Not to woe-is-me too much, but we literally have no electricity in our office and cannot use it. I love working there during season and that was plucked. Man I can complain. That's okay. So the office is kaput.

Possible silver lining - we might just look for space in a more neutral location that can serve both of Pup's offices. Combine the two yet keep them separate, but he'd have staff. Me, our assistant, and whoever we get (hopefully the guy doing it now) to do tax preparation help. Now his non-sinkhole-sunk space is just two rented office spaces within another firm and there's no room for me or any other staff. I think this is a good idea. His firms could be managed both by me and his workday could be streamlined. He's on the fence, but starting to see the benefit. He loves officing (again, non-sinkhole-office) with his brother-in-law, but it might be time to branch out and have his own branding. Right now his Pup-firm isn't represented by bil's firm. The branding is bil's. I'm not making sense, but try to get me. I'm messy and fuzzy forever apparently. Gah! lol

So that has potential to be great.

Why am I talking?

cold on the boat

kitty love at the lake 

I do a lot of this on my phone - paint by number - relaxing and avoidance behavior

Take a Break!

I'm driving home from the lakehouse yesterday and about an hour into the trip my (newish) car beeped at me rather insistently. A message popped up on the display right behind the wheel showing me a cup of aromatic coffee and the statement: Take a break!

What?

Now my car is bossing me around?

We bought a used Mercedes Benz last October and the fun portion of the owner's manual is missing so I'm learning all the weirdnesses as they occur. This one is brand new. Could my car know when I'm tired? I was tired yesterday.

Overall I love the car. It was a little bit of a splurge, but Pup never does anything recklessly, but moves forward with our stuff conservatively and smartly. I do believe. He's an 180 from me. I'm compulsive and emotional when it comes to purchases. Don't even ask me about the Amazon packages that arrive every day. Come on! I need a lettuce keeper! I need yet another type of hair mousse - this one promising hair that isn't frizzy or flat.

Speaking of hair - oh my. I do not think there is a dark hair left on my head. I kinda had an idea, but now that I cannot see my darling Gabrielle (Juut colorist I've been seeing for 12 years) right now I have seen the most alarming skunk-like strip on the top of my head. Gah! Pup colored my hair for me once (thank you Madison Reed!) and it's time again.

I'm a bit floppy in my feelings right now. This Pandemic thing is not fun for any of us. I vacillate daily on what I believe to be true around everything. Today I'm sad. I'm sitting here with said hair unwashed for many days looking a mess. I've gained weight. I'm sad. Today I'm going to practice some gratitude. I hear that helps. I see my therapist today (via tele therapy) so I'll wash hair and put on makeup. Pup is feeling sad too. He denies, but I see it. His businesses are weird right now with tax season being extended three months. There just isn't a sense of urgency for him and that's untethering. No after season trip - his reward for a well-worked season - and a strange summer looming ahead.

And one of our offices (the one I normally work at) is in a huge sinkhole and has no electricity. Pup moved the end of the needs to his other office and we forwarded the phones. I spoke to the property manager a few days ago and he said it might be months before we can move back in. MONTHS! We're weighing our options. We could move into a different suite, but we have ours so perfect! It took a few years to get it right.

Bitch bitch bitch.

Where's my gratitude?

I am one decision from a whole new life. Do it girl.

Many of us feel this way.

I Have a Story for That . . .

We went to Vegas the day after Christmas a few weeks ago. Just for a couple of days. We hadn't been for five years or so and we thought it would be fun to gamble a bit. I booked us at the Bellagio because why not! It is a lovely hotel, but we had forgotten that Vegas is still smoking-friendly. Yuck!

So, we checked into our room and since it was still early morning (10:30 or so) we unpacked and thought we'd take a little nap before heading down to the casino.

About 1/2 hour in I started to feel uncomfortable. Then very uncomfortable. Like my tummy had a pain that I could stretch out, but no matter how much I stretched it would not go. It got worse and worse. I was rocking and moaning and throwing up. Scott wanted to call 911, but I kept saying, "It can't be THAT bad."

But it was and he called the front desk. Cut to me being ferried out on a gurney through the back halls and deep dark places in the hotel where we customers never go. I didn't care because I was crying. Like a baby!

Vegas emergency rooms are crazy! But the staff was great. One CT scan later and blood work I'm told I have the tiniest of kidney stones. Little stone, big pain.

But that's not the funny part.

They shot me full of oxycodone and gave me a prescription for a few more. So, drugged up to the max we go back to our room. The next day the stone was doing it's thing so I took a couple of my pills during the day. Pup and I watched a Godfather marathon and I was playing on my phone and napping. Out of it.

But not out of it enough to stop myself from ordering an office chair for Pup. An office chair that cost $785. Yep. A very fancy office chair. It arrived the day after we returned from Vegas. Pup knew I had done it, but I had NO MEMORY.

A few weeks later I received a beautiful map of Wisconsin. It came from ROMANIA.

For the next week or so I was fearful of what might be coming in the mail. I was unsupervised!

Pup is fired as a nanny.

Making the Change

It started with tiny things.

I try to smile for no reasons.
I tamp down unruly anger.
I don't drink much, but I'm drinking pretty much not at all.
I go to my therapist.
I listen to Spotify. It has everything you could want and things you didn't know you wanted.
I listen to my podcasts during my two hours of daily commuting.
I love my husband.
I love my family.
I love my job.
I love my damn pets. They save me with their love.
I cry when I damn well want to. No shame in that.
I embrace my faults. Because listen, we all have them. Yes even you! Hehehe!

All of me loves all of you. (Thank you John Legend.)

I many times think I am not special, yet yearn so to be special. But surprise! I am special because I am the only one of me. Good, bad, and ugly. All of our damn selves! It's okay to think we're special.

Changes.

A thoughtful love language.

The Green Train!

You looking at me?

The Tank and The Hulk

💕

No love for the car ride

Roosters and daisies

Furry Love

Turn Me on Dead Man - Beatles

I'm not sufficiently demoodied to write, but wanted to log something or dump something right out of my brain.

So - it's dumped.

Such a face.

Soakin' up the life.