Knocking Some Sense

I'm getting the bedroom ready for our littlest grandson, Nugget. Unpacking his and his brother's suitcase and readying the space for his "binky-time" as it's called.

I stand up quickly from the nightlight I was plugging in and cracked my head so hard on a little overhang in that corner of the room that I literally saw stars. I have a goose egg now that I'd love to call the Gray Goose, but I do color my hair so ha! That, just now, reminded me of a childhood nickname I had in school that I was not so fond of. Goosey. Because I've often been silly and annoying? Probably. I do remember HATING that name. Too sensitive always.

When I was in my 20s and dating my wasband my nickname was Dizzy. I did love that nickname, but there is a pattern emerging? Admit it girl. You can be a goose. Work in progress always and forever apparently.

I was seeing a therapist a couple of years ago and while telling my story (get this - I felt odd monopolizing the conversation - during my own therapy! I don't seem to have that problem in the world - I can monopolize with the best - what a bitch I can be) he asked me why I always feel any problem/situation/concern/conflict is only and always my fault. I have no answer. I have to say in my mind I am a bitcher and complainer so it never seems to me that I am a self-inflicted victim. I bitch incessantly about others - mostly to feel better about myself yes? Sheesh human beings are so predictable.

Yet, while telling him my story I pointed back at myself. Probably to elicit his sympathy. Eventually I ran away from therapy when the going was becoming difficult. Who wants to know why you suck? I need to stop fear around knowing the why of what I am and either keep the receipt for who I am or get my ass to the exchange counter and try harder.

I love Jane Fonda. I was watching her documentary where she is so honest with the things she's done wrong, taking that time to admit and lay it out there. But I sensed no self-flagellation around her confessions. She actually said during an interview in the documentary that, "I am what I am." No guilt around her past behaviors, yet a total awareness of what she had done and how it had effected others. I loved that. I admire her. Teach me Jane how to be so self-aware or strong or accepting of self. Seriously love all of her.

I keep reading that after a certain age we adults know how to maneuver in this world. We do? I think I was absent that day in class.

Knocked myself silly.
Knocked some sense into me.
Knocked off from work.
Knocked off a piece.
Knocked on the door.

It might be time to knock it out of the park.

Day Eleven - Meaningful Experience

My week at a glance!

USPS - really?

What is happening right now?

Sweet baby-face girl. 

Sweet baby-face boy.

Two faces checking me out. 

Okay, I give up plow-guy, seriously? Ha!  😖

Day Ten - Meaningful Experience

Okay now.

Bumps in the road always let you know what's loose in your car. It's lovely!

Yesterday was breakfast out with the family. Happiness is truly sitting around a round table and being utterly charmed by the sweetness and happiness that is on grandchildren's faces. It's mood-swinging.

This video isn't from yesterday, but look at little self learning new things! Swoon.

Day Nine - Meaningful Experience

Checking out our new office space, taking notes, deciding where, what, how and knowing this is a huge move forward for us.

xxoo

Day Eight - Meaningful Experience

I'm writing about yesterday, but right now I'm sitting here waiting for Davie to come back to the door. This little puppers loves to be outside and will run around out there for the longest time! I'm fretting right now because she hasn't come back for what seems the longest time and it's dark out there. Gah this little puppy. And she doesn't listen to me a whit when she's outdoors. In all honesty, she doesn't listen to me much. 😒

Taken yesterday

Damn Davie! 😆

Okay . . . I went out in the 30 degrees (heatwave!!), walked to the top of the driveway, looked back at the door and there she was. Little monster! Ha

So, meaningful experience. Am I missing the intent behind this exercise? Wouldn't be the first time.

Before

After

Clean space - clean mind.

xxoo

Day Seven - Meaningful Experience

I'm at the lake for the weekend for my 3-4 week check on the place.

That is meaningful all by itself.

I was listening to a podcast (latest obsession) last week and part of the talk was about order and simplicity and how when your physical world is in order you feel in order. I've known this my entire life!

When I had my corporate job my boss was constantly baffled by my needing a vacation day from time to time to organize and clean house. I would always tell her, "when my floors are clean, my mind is clean."

That's what I'm doing today. Cleaning my happiest of happy places and finding a new clean space in my mind.

Day Six - Meaningful Experience

This isn't getting easier! I am apparently meaningless! 😄

But I'm not.

Let's say here on this blank post-page that Thursdays are always a meaningful experience for me. I spend hours with my Bella while she's getting chemo and we are never at a loss for things to talk about. The mother/daughter thing. It's powerful and baffling and splendid.

xxoo

Taken on the day she cut her hair. Look how those two have the same eyes!

Day Five - Meaningful Experience

I got nothing.

. . . thinking . . .

gah . . .

I want to default to my grandsons, but I must have some meaningful experiences on my own.

Okay - my Pup is beginning to work late as season is nearly upon us. Our puppers, Davie, sleeps in bed with me, along with two cats, and when Pup comes to bed Davie automatically jumps down and gets into her kennel. Then in the morning when I get up, I let her out, feed her breakfast, and then she runs back upstairs and gets into bed with Pup.

She's cute and sweet and annoying. Exactly how this is meaningful I'll deal with later. I don't have a current photo!

blah blah blah

Not into this today . . .

Day Four - Meaningful Experience

I consider myself a reader, yet for several years I hadn't been doing much of it. I'm not counting my internet readings of the news or the random nutrition book I'd pick up, but true and real reading.

I started back up last April while Pup and I were in Mexico after season. I read Alec Baldwin's autobiography (and fell further in love with his flawed and awesome self). I devoured it. Then I went into my iBook app on my iPad and read book after book. And around the pool during the day I had two printed novels I had picked up for vacation and I was devouring them as well.

It hasn't stopped - this newfound love of books.

I sleep pretty good these days. Partly because if I do wake too early I pull out my iPad and pick up where I left off and read for a half hour or so and eventually drift back to sleep.

Drifting while dreaming about what I was reading. I am finding how to be still.

Day Three - Meaningful Experience

The idea behind this exercise is when we use our thoughts in different ways, the new ways - and hopefully fresh and splendid ways - will become rote, automatic, and gently bend our brain pathways in that improved way.

I think that's what it all means.

For me, allowing my mind to go to the dark places it loves isn't serving me any longer. I want joy - not necessarily happiness, but joy to infuse me.

I recently read that joy is happiness for no reason. NO DAMN reason. I loved reading that! Being happy all the time seemed unattainable and idiotic. That's a strong word - idiotic - but I'm leaving it in for now. I probably shouldn't write these right when I'm sipping my morning coffee! Or is this the true thinking and not the governed thinking I'll have later in the day when I apply my reason to it?

Oh dear!

Regardless.

Day three is tough to pin down. I worked from home. A sidebar on that - we recently bought our third business, hired some staff (they start next week), and acquired some staff. I've never had staff before and I'm struggling a bit.

It will all work out. I'm applying joy to the workplace as well. Although yesterday I did sink into my usual way. In my mind compliance is the right way (for staff) and patience is not my strong suit. I'm applying grace to this situation and seeing what today will bring.

So . . . I'm handling a very long list of biz to-dos and clearing out the final vestiges of Christmas. Yes - I'm that girl this year. It's been a long time coming! Now The Big Room looks bare and sad without the tree in the corner.

I'm also juggling loads and loads of laundry. Bags and bags of trash. Dishes. Dirty wood floors. Bunches of things laying about that had become homeless. Interior windows that had become filmy. Vacuuming that needed doing. Now the house is shining - at least the places I gave love to are.

So I'm looking for my moment. The thing I keep thinking about is our newish puppy. We adopted her from a rescue when she was six weeks old back in September. What the hell were we thinking! We have no idea what she is and now she is around six months. And a live wire. And goofy looking. And adorable.

So while I'm flitting here and there, cleaning and organizing and laundering and checking off my list, she's following me from room to room. Chewing, trash-diving, frolicking, Being my little PITA. I love her and am exasperated by her.

She's longer now and this shot is from the Lake House. Look at that face!

She would settle in on the couch, her office bed, the ottoman in The Big Room only to have to move because I left that space and had gone to another space. She only wants to be where I am.

That might keep her safe and alive through this puppy period! Joking.

She's a perfect distraction for me and comforting with her little warm body and deep brown eyes.

xxoo

Day Two - Meaningful Experience

A scattered day. A good day. In the winter, during the busy season, we like to go to breakfast on Sunday mornings with parts of our family. Usually it's Pup's momma, Bella and the boys, occasionally Lorenzo and her Randalian, and any other random family members that want to come.

Yesterday was the first.

This right here was the moment.

The little jelly-smeared face. The Old Navy sweatshirt. The face. How our baby is more a toddler and looking like a grown boy.

xxoo

So . . . With All That Said . . . Let's Work on Happiness - Day One

I am smart AF

Yeah, I'm MacGyver

One meaningful experience every day written down for 21 days.

Mindfulness - this is my goal. The thing I am wanting to stretch towards. I have not a clue how to attain this, but I'm in.

Yesterday's Experience.

I'm in an old-school cafe. The likes of I haven't been in for decades! At least this particular type of cafe/pub. I'm not really certain what to call it. The establishment's name: The Best Steak House. Of which it isn't. But what it is is a great place for my memories.

When I was a very young adult; I'm speaking to my 17-19 year-old self, my friends and I were so young, and so broke, and so always needing a place to hang out as we weren't old enough to hit a bar. We would frequently go to this place, The Best Steak House, and have lunch or dinner.

The draw for this place was mostly economics. It was a cafeteria-style restaurant. You'd grab a tray, order, pick up your utensils, and find a booth. We girls enjoyed mild flirtations with the handsome Greek sons that worked at this family business and I have memories of these boys/men (they seemed so old to us! They were probably 25+) one of the boys always giving me a hard time for continuously ordering "meeeelk."

For $1.04 (back in the early 70s) you could get a hamburger steak, a baked potato with butter and sour cream, a salad, and a beverage. For me "meeelk" I'm guessing. Ha! Now get this - I can remember my typical winter outfit! What a mind I'm dealing with here. I would be wearing jeans with boots, a white t-shirt or sweater of some kind, and a long gray wool coat. I'd wear this outfit today! I'm classic. Age-wise and fashion-wise yes? Forgive me on my lack of wit - it's hella early here in Chez Emerson-land.

So . . . back to the meaningful experience.

Yesterday I went with my daughter Bella and my grandson Spud to get her hair cut. As Spud and I were sitting in the little lobby area and looking out the window on the brilliantly sunny and bitterly cold day I saw "The Best Steak House" directly across the street from the salon.

So there we are - the three of us. Bella and I enjoying a small sirloin steak medium rare and having a wandering chat about wandering stuff. We were in the moment. Talking about being in the moment with each other! Watching Spud turn A1 and Heinz 57 bottles into barriers and roads for his semi-truck to maneuver through. Knowing in my heart this moment is a keeper.

xxoo