Tears Dry on Their Own

He had fur just like a dandelion. 

Oh my blog! My sweet, cathartic, ridiculous blog.

I feel the need to get thoughts out, yet am hesitant to do so. Do you ever wonder if the need to keep things "close to the vest" is more than simple self-protection, but a deeper denial than we could imagine?

I've been working on self-awareness. At times I even doubt if I fully understand what that could mean. I do feel that I self-catastrophize and blame myself for things that are not my fault. I have a hard time not believing I'm to blame for all things which, perversely, is rather boastful of me. Who the hell am I to believe that I am the arbiter of all that is bad for the cryin' out loud? Hmm?   :)

Do I know why? I don't. I work on myself. I'm still in the oven baking apparently. That's okay. At least I'm changing. Ha!

My dad had a smallish stroke a week ago. I say smallish only because he has minimal residual damage. Some speech impairment and a bit of weakness on his right side. I know it does not seem smallish to him. The instant loss of independence is hard on him and I also know while the brain is healing from such a bad thing he is reeling emotionally.

My dad lives in Idaho with his 2nd wife. We, his family, live in Minnesota. He and Momma Bee had been at the Mayo Clinic for Bee's follow-up surgery for an issue she was having last summer and fall. They had driven from their Idaho home to Rochester and Bee's daughter had flown here to be with her momma during the surgery.

It went well, she was recuperating at her brother's house, Barnabee (a moniker my sweet Pup dealt to them - Barney and Bee) had decided to head for home. The early morning before they were set to leave my dad had his stroke.

Now starts the rollercoaster.

It's emotional to see my dad going through this thing.

He remarried and moved to Idaho with his wife back in 2005 a few months after my momma died.

This was a hard thing for us. For me. My mom was gone after a long illness, then my dad uprooted and moved a long distance away. We were supportive because why should my dad be alone? He would have been miserable.

The hard thing has always been that suddenly he was gone. He has new step-children he loves, a new life. I am happy for him, yet, selfishly, sad for me that he isn't here in Minnesota with us.

So my dad has lived in Idaho for nearly eight years.

Pup and I went to visit them a couple of years ago and frankly it was somewhere I'm not in a fast hurry to get back to.

They live a nice, quiet life in Bee's house with one of her sons right next door which is lovely and perfect. I'm more a city girl (obviously) and sitting in the quiet life for several days watching The History Channel was enough for me.

You all know I'm teasing here. It was great to see Barnabee and a few quiet days spent to visit with my dad was okay by me.

They live near a town that is bigger and I do think it could be fun to check that out when I get back there.

But, let's get back to the now of it as I am distracting myself. It's a gift peeps!

When my dad was released from the hospital I said they needed to come home with us until we figured out what was what.

Three visits to the emergency room, one by ambulance ride, and six days later, we now see that our little house with its one bathroom and very small den/guestroom is woefully inadequate for the care and feeding of two elderly patients.

I love my dad.

I haven’t spent much time with him in the past nine years mostly because of where they live. He has gotten older. I have gotten older. Hook this onto the fact that I am not his favorite child and hook this onto the fact that he is going through way more than I can realize in the aftermath of a stroke and trying to heal along with his wife who is recovering from a fairly major surgery.

Whew

I am bone tired. They have been with us for these six days and there is little time in the day that I’m not seeing to their needs. And that is good. I’m surprised, but not of a complaining mind.

What am I saying?

I’m nervous today. Nervous because my brother who doesn’t speak to me is coming with my sister to see Dad.

I said to Pup, “I can make myself scarce so they aren’t uncomfortable.”

“Don’t you dare,” said my sweet husband. “Don’t you dare – this is your house. They can fuck themselves.”

He loves me and I think he is going on a protective binge which makes me want to squeeze him, the sweet thing. He has watched me cry and knows that all of this is hard. I am trying to keep myself calm. I will be calm.

I need to discover and annihilate what it is that keeps me scared about this stupid situation. What am I scared of? I think I’m scared of me.

Keep the peace hooches. I am hiding in my head today until I have to reveal. Wish me luck!

Fathers and Sons

The past week since Sunday I've been in Rochester, Minnesota with Barnabee (dad and step-momma) having my Momma Bee looked over at the Mayo Clinic.

This is mostly what I did. Lots of sitting around. I only brought flip-flops!
Nice dress yes? Thank you, The Turnstyle!

It was a long week with Barnabee and I staying in a hotel that, while economically attractive, wasn't the very best of the very best. It wasn't horrible, but I did observe a pair of panties lying in the hall for a couple of days. And there was the long afternoon a Spanish-speaking woman had an argument on the phone in the hall. I practiced my Spanish along with her. That girl could use some words! Ha! El jurar es bueno para el alma.

That aside, and truthfully that wasn't the important part of the trip. The important part was Momma Bee's experience at the Mayo Clinic.

I won't go into her whats, but I will tell you that the whys of her case were impressively dealt and handled with an ease and competence I've never seen in my years; not that I know anything.

What I do know is her case is complex and the bottom line of her particular whats were discovered with a timing that left me both awestruck and speechless.

My step-sister told me what these were. In the lobby of the Mayo Clinic. From the artist, Dale Chihuly. 

Is this place organized within an inch of reason? Oh yes. The fact that I managed to get Barnabee where they needed to be over and over is amazing and the thanks go mostly to helpful staff that seem to sense when you're lost and confused. Fantastic!

I attended most of the procedures and consultations along with Barnabee and the thing that struck me most is how within the team approach that the Mayo Clinic is known for, each and every one of the staffers Momma Bee had to speak with listened to her. I repeat; they listened to her.

Not that type of listening I've come to know within the medical community I've mostly dealt with, but listening. Real listening. Where they listen and then ask questions about what you just said. Over and over I observed this happening.

Momma Bee has been talking about her issues for years and nobody listened like she was listened to over the past week.

I might be exhausted (hello The Turnstyle tomorow - ack!), but it was well worth it.

We'll be going back for the continuation of her story, but now I know where I'm going! And that's always a good thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mayo Clinic
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mayo Clinic is a not-for-profit medical practice and medical research group based in Rochester, Minnesota, specializing in treating difficult cases (tertiary care). Patients are referred to Mayo Clinic from across the U.S. and the world, and it is known for innovative and effective treatments. Mayo Clinic is known for being at the top of most accredited quality standard listings; for example, it has been near the top of the U.S. News & World Report List of "Best Hospitals for more than 20 years". The practice is distinguished by integrated care, and a strong research presence is evidenced by the fact that over 40% of its resources are devoted towards research (rather than just medical practice).

Mayo Clinic has been on the list of America's "100 Best Companies to Work For" published by Fortune magazine for eight years in a row. From its humble beginnings as a family venture between a father and his two sons, the practice later became America's first integrated group practice, a model that is now standard in the United States. The current-day Mayo Clinic is an integrated practice of more than 3,700 physicians and scientists, and a total employment including nurses, students, and allied health staff of more than 56,000 persons.

Core Values
As is evidenced by the Mayo Clinic logo, the institution has a three part focus. First and primary to the organization is the patient care practice, represented by the central shield. This is in accordance with the primary statement of the organization that "the needs of the patient always come first." The other two shields represent the areas of education and research, two areas of Mayo Clinic which have become more prominent over time.

Your Mother Should Know

Still stuck on song titles from The Beatles. When in doubt - steal!

I've been seeing photo memories all over the web of late. I'm thinking lots of us are in funky-funks perhaps and looking at the past is the best way to form a future. Bop!

When Pup and I were in Idaho I was looking through family photo albums and Momma Bee was sweet enough to scan a few for me and throw them on a CD. I'd love to go back and scan all of the albums the memories and visuals were so fun to see. I want them!

First of all; here's another shot of my car. Isn't it the most awesome thing you've ever laid eyes on? Just knowing that my dad wants me to have this made my heart swell with emotion. Cars are his passion and that he is going to share his passion with all three of us kids is beyond words for me. I love you Dad.

Barnabee is on the left. The rest are my aunts and one of my aunt's partner. How adorable are they?

A shot of me when I was about 20. I do believe there was wine involved. Do you love those plucked eyebrows?

My momma. This is a shot of her while we were all up at the cabin. A natural redhead. As fiery as you might imagine. I do believe it's true what they say about redheads. She was truly adorable and kept you on your toes to say the least.

The mountain view outside of Barnabee's front window. The fog never cooperated while Pup and I were there so I am so happy that Momma Bee had this photo to share.

Lorenzo and Barnabee's dog Chitzi. The girls and I rescued Chitzi from the clutches of a crabby piano teacher they had back in the day. I bought Chitzi from that lady and gave her to my momma. My dad fell in love with that little thing and had her for years and years. She was a ballsy little thing. She was once at my house and tried to eat George's food, which he didn't mind, but he drew the line when she tried to kick his ass out of the room. I do believe it was one of the few times I ever have heard George growl. Miss you Chitzers. You were a crazy, cute, little beastie.

This was taken a couple of years ago at my house before I married Pup. Lorenzo looks crazy-happy about something. Me and Bella apparently wanted to take our leading ladies out for some air. Ha!

Looking at photos can make the grayest day better. I love my family and am so grateful for them. Smooches and love you guys.

Home Again

To Market
To market, to market
to buy a fat pig.
Home again, home again
Jiggity jig!
To market, to market
to buy a fat hog.
Home again, home again
Jiggity jog!

This has been running through my head since we arrived home late last night. Well, actually, it was early this morning. A brutal flight! And every gate we landed in was the opposite side from the next gate we needed to get to. So lots of running which is okay. My dimpled arse needed running.

Barnabee

This is what Calvin did while we were gone.

NeverDoneUSA.com

That spiffy white car? My dad said that's mine! Holy Hannah! Wasn't it nice of me to pose for that photo?

Actually, Barnabee told me and Pup that there was a photo shoot at their place and lots of lovely girls were posing all over all of my dad's and Wild Bill's (Bee's son) classic cars. Check out the link!

Kimichunga (Wild Bill's wife) told me that this blond woman above actually had a breast reduction! I'm wondering if they grow them differently in Idaho. You know, like the potatoes? Just sayin'.

What to Do in Idaho?

That's where we are headed. To see our Barnabee! (That's my dad and step-momma.)

It's a little weird leaving everything while it's happening (the den build), but when we get home there will be some major changes.

Meanwhile, here's the latest shot from my phone. A shot on the back roads on my way to the hair salon. Snow, snow, and more snow. I took back roads because the news was saying that 15 minute drives were taking over two hours. Holy crapinoli! Back roads are kinda fun and I got there in no time at all.

It looks so bleak doesn't it? It's gray day after day. When the sun does shine on those rare times, it feels like an intrusion. I'm getting weird from S.A.D. I'm thinking. I do like to nurture that dark-girl from time to time.

That's why Pup and I went out and got a NordicTrac treadmill the other day. We will FORCE the feel-good hormones into our pudgy-pooches. We'll be low-fat lattes in no time!

Smooches all you hooches! I'll write from Idaho.

My Dad Sent Me a Valentine

I thought it was from Momma Bee, but it was my dad. Oh it made my heart swell. Love you Dad! I hope you and MB are having the most wonderful day.

I'm up early on this Valentine's day, as is my want. I'm on the PC in the guest room, (Excel homework dollinks - rapture!) drinking coffee from my newish ginormous red mug, contemplating my morning shower, and should be contemplating my morning Callanetics, but love is calling to me.
How are all of you guys spending your day?

Me and Pup will have some nice steak tonight. Poor baby is working all day so my darling Sarah Bella and I are going thrifting. It will be a beautiful February day here in frigid-land, sunny and teens (want to talk about how SICK I am of my Uggs? Hmm?).

Every Feb 14 I am mostly ambivalent. It's brilliant to have love showcased and admired. I have problems with the pressure put on everyone to have the "perfect" gift, plans, flowers. I feel badly for men on this day! Oh the pouting I've seen! Oh the "dump him" comments I've heard over the years pertaining to men - mine and other's men because of this day.

Here's a new thought (ha!) - love is every day, not this day. I told Puppers, "Let's just stay home, have steak, and be cozy with our Big Love and our love. Who wants to sit in a resto with dozens of other people watching harried staff try to make special moments?

It's all good. Let's mark this day any way we want.

For me, I love my Pup, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my animals. Simple Simone Signoret yes?

Knock it out of the park peeps. Have a redhearted day. Smooches.

Hot Men Friday

Wowza . . .

No special reason - just because.

On another note . . . I got married! We took the young uns with us and went to Vegas baby! Had a great time and now I'm Mrs. Pup!

It's been crazy crazy around here for the past month.

My dad and Momma Bee were here for a month from Idaho. Parked his big-ass camper in our driveway! That looks like so much fun! Pup and I are thinking about renting one for over Labor day. Hmm . . . fun? Yes!

Then my darling Bella and her Big B got married!
How adorable.

Forgive me from stealing the photo from the photographer's website. She's an awesome photog btw. The pictures are phenomenal! I will be buying millions of them.