Advice

It's a slippery turd-hill isn't it?

I've volunteered it from time to time. With varying results. But who wants to hear advice? If I've asked for advice it's great. If someone wants to lecture me, get ready for me to put on my sunglasses (the best way to LOOK like you're paying attention - ha!).

We all do think we know best. We've been through it. We've tested the waters. We've seen it from the other side. Patooy! Believe me when I say, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT!

• Nutrition - uh huh. Want to see my degree?
• Men - second marriage. Want to hear more?
• Raising children - I fear for my daughters when they have kids. :)
• Making coffee - only I can do it right. Oh? You feel the same way? You're wrong.

Run when you hear me say these words, "If you ask me . . ." Because I know you haven't.

But sometimes, unrequested, I get advice from people I meet out and about. Here are two examples from just last week.

Incident #1:
I'm driving home with George (AmStaff Terrier) in the backseat of my Jeep Wrangler, Ruby. I drive it all summer with no top. George is on a leash that I loop through a handle in the front seat the then attach to my gear stick. He mostly loves being in Ruby during the summer. Wind in his large snout and all that.

George is standing in the backseat as I am driving down a residential-type city street, nearly to my turn to go home. A lady is in the right lane and I hear her say something. I don't pay too much attention. It's summer, it's a lovely day, and everyone's windows and convertible tops are down.

She turns onto my street, she turns into my DRIVEWAY! George and I get out. He is on his leash.

Woman: "I wanted to follow you and give you some advice about driving with your dog in the car."
Me: "Really? Me?"
"It's very dangerous to have a dog in a convertible."
"Excuse me"?
"Your dog could die if someone hit you from behind. He could be thrown from the car. It happened to a friend of mine"!
"Ma'am, I have my dog secured in my car."
"What?"
"Yes, he is on a leash when he's in my car."
"This happened to a friend of mine!"
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to hear that, but my dog is secured in the car."
"You know, people drive with their dogs in the back of pickups."
"My car is not a pickup. He is on a leash."
"I just had to follow you and tell you this."
"I appreciate your concern, but as you CAN SEE, my dog is on a leash."

WHAT.THE.HELL.

Incident #2:
I have just arrived at the grocery store. I see a cute, round, older, Jamaican woman unloading her cart and I offer to help. The cart is FULL of pineapples. We start chatting about the specials that are going on in the store and how delicious fruit is at this time of year.

She starts to lecture me about meat. I am a LOVER of meat. I make a joke about how a day without meat is like a day without meat. She doesn't laugh. She starts talking about colon troubles and cancer and we should only eat fruits and vegetables.

Idly, I say, "How do you get your protein? Do you eat eggs"?

She says, "No! Eggs are bad. We don't need the cholesterol."

Then she looks me up and down slowly and says, "YOU don't need the cholesterol."

Oy to the vey.