Nah
Again - my pets - right now my dog - knows something is up.
Pup and I are at the lake to finish up de-summerizing the place and cleaning after having the nuggets here a few weeks ago. I was welcomed into the space by a bunch of halloween items. A bat hanging from the mailbox. A "keep out" sign in my herb pot. Orange pumpkins of the styrofoam kind scattered in the yard on the lakeside. I love those nuggets. Inside is a ghoul that we left on the curtain rod because he was entirely wet when we packed up to go home.
This place is a mess. Unmade beds, A toilet where a 6 year-old peed and didn't always hit his mark. Toys everywhere.
Today I have a plan.
Last night I couldn't sleep.
Pup doesn't really love going to bed early. I went to bed around 9 or 9:30. He came with me. I had weird and fitful dreams and woke up at two and got up at four.
But today I have my plan even though I'm sitting here at the computer watching episodes of Hoarders. wtf anyway?
Pup got up at five and is now sleeping in the "lump" and watching "How It's Made." He loves that show. He is sleeping. I can hear it.
I watch Hoarders because I fear I could become one. But I am constantly purging. I take bags and bags of things to Goodwill. I will declutter this place today. It helps me stay good. Calm. Superficially together.
Fake it until you make it. I think it helps.
Peace out old woman.
Saturday, November 9, 2019
Friday, November 8, 2019
Never
It's weird that when you're in a thing. When you're in a way. When you're in it and can't crawl out. It's weird because people don't notice. Or they don't want to notice. Or they're scared of noticing. Or you don't notice them noticing. But my pets notice. Talk about empaths! They're on me like butter on toast. It's annoying entirely. It's comforting.
I'm tired. So tired. I sleep fitfully as I do and yet want to sleep all the time. I had my little nugget here the other day and he took a very long nap and I did as well. Just lay down on the couch and slept. Groggy when I heard him awake. Groggy all the time.
Pup gets home and we eat dinner, I clean up, we sit on the couch where after a few minutes I say, "I'm coming in" which means I'm going to lay on him and I fall asleep. I sleep all evening. Then I get up and say, "I'm going to bed."
Then start again the next day.
Sleeping
TV
Reading
Nothing
I resent any plans I've made or had to make. The thought of the holidays coming up scare me not a little. I wanted to host Thanksgiving and I am, but it's looming and I feel overwhelmed. Gah
Christmas has been bad for me since I left my Wasband. His birthday is Christmas day so I've never spent the eve or the day with my kids since then. Bam - never. Pup and I are always alone. It shouldn't matter, but it gets me every year. This year we had picked the day after for our celebration, but the girls thought it would be nice to go to the cabin and have stay overs over the weekend of the 21st. But that overwhelmes me. I have to bring Christmas there? I wanted to decorate my new house with a huge real tree and celebrate here. I love the thought of waking to my family, but Pup and I will still be alone on the days. And no one will see our Christmas.
I remember wondering why my own momma stopped thinking she had to set up a tree. Why bother when no one is going to see it? This isn't what I thought having a family would be. I thought having kids would guarantee no loneliness, but I'm lonely. So . . . I had unrealistic expectations around that. I don't get Christmas. I don't get Thanksgiving all the time.
We teach people how to treat us. I've not wanted to be a pain and because of that I am a pain. I'm the one who broke up our home. I'm to blame for that and more. I'm the one. I don't get Christmas.
It feels selfish to want Christmas sometimes. I want my own family around me sometimes on the days of Christmas.
But they get to choose how they have their own family Christmas. I'm just not part of that any longer.
When my momma died my dad remarried right away and moved away. We never saw him for Christmas again.
Pup and I need to have our own plan for Christmas and I need to snap out of it.
But I have no snap left. I need to collagen up on my snap for fuck's sake.
I'm tired. So tired. I sleep fitfully as I do and yet want to sleep all the time. I had my little nugget here the other day and he took a very long nap and I did as well. Just lay down on the couch and slept. Groggy when I heard him awake. Groggy all the time.
Pup gets home and we eat dinner, I clean up, we sit on the couch where after a few minutes I say, "I'm coming in" which means I'm going to lay on him and I fall asleep. I sleep all evening. Then I get up and say, "I'm going to bed."
Then start again the next day.
Sleeping
TV
Reading
Nothing
I resent any plans I've made or had to make. The thought of the holidays coming up scare me not a little. I wanted to host Thanksgiving and I am, but it's looming and I feel overwhelmed. Gah
Christmas has been bad for me since I left my Wasband. His birthday is Christmas day so I've never spent the eve or the day with my kids since then. Bam - never. Pup and I are always alone. It shouldn't matter, but it gets me every year. This year we had picked the day after for our celebration, but the girls thought it would be nice to go to the cabin and have stay overs over the weekend of the 21st. But that overwhelmes me. I have to bring Christmas there? I wanted to decorate my new house with a huge real tree and celebrate here. I love the thought of waking to my family, but Pup and I will still be alone on the days. And no one will see our Christmas.
I remember wondering why my own momma stopped thinking she had to set up a tree. Why bother when no one is going to see it? This isn't what I thought having a family would be. I thought having kids would guarantee no loneliness, but I'm lonely. So . . . I had unrealistic expectations around that. I don't get Christmas. I don't get Thanksgiving all the time.
We teach people how to treat us. I've not wanted to be a pain and because of that I am a pain. I'm the one who broke up our home. I'm to blame for that and more. I'm the one. I don't get Christmas.
It feels selfish to want Christmas sometimes. I want my own family around me sometimes on the days of Christmas.
But they get to choose how they have their own family Christmas. I'm just not part of that any longer.
When my momma died my dad remarried right away and moved away. We never saw him for Christmas again.
Pup and I need to have our own plan for Christmas and I need to snap out of it.
But I have no snap left. I need to collagen up on my snap for fuck's sake.
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Sometimes We Do Fall Down
Paralyzed could be the way I'm being. Stuck is a word I've used often. I'm growing tired of that word, but yes, stuck.
I've had the name of a therapist for three or so months in my day planner and have not made an appointment. Who knows why. Lazy? Afraid? Lazy? Stuck? Unwilling to do the work? I don't know.
I saw a therapist about three years ago for less than a dozen times. When it started getting hard I ran. I had even warned him I was a runner. My unwillingness to face myself is kinda laughable. I claim I want to dig deep, but don't.
I'm feeling unlovable, unlikeable, unworthy. I'm looking at those words and am now feeling like a big whiner and pussy. WThell is the problem? I'm definitely at an age where I really should know a few more answers than I do.
My old therapist was a perfectly nice person and I'm certain he could have helped me, but here's one thing that led to my running. He mentioned I'm an empath and in that time I did not know what that meant. I understood that to mean something whooo-hoo and unworldly. I have since found out it simply means you feel other's feelings or some such shit. A better way to explain might be I can feel another's sense of certain things. More than I care to frankly. I don't like being one. I realize empathy is something we need more of, but I'm not sure this is what it means in my mind.
I don't know. All of what I've just written looks like so much dumb-ass mutterings. Blech.
I am way too sensitive and take things way personally. Although, at times, I believe it might be the only way to take a particular incident or experience.
Fuck
The other evening some plans Pup and I had fell through (she forgot we had made plans) and I fell apart. In my fake or real empath way I am feeling that someone has total contempt for me now and maybe forever, and only has contact with me at all because I'm her momma.
I'm overstating I pray, but somewhere in there is a kernel of the real story. We haven't talked about the real story so I don't know what's wrong. Everything. Nothing. But it's there and unforgivable. I'll talk about what it probably is soon.
But, the other night when the plans were changed I had a quiet, but complete meltdown. I cried in my bed for hours. Had the darkest thoughts I've ever had. The thoughts even scared me. I felt so worthless and terrible I - just for a moment - imagined I could end me and others would be better off.
what the fuck
Scary to imagine and I had to crawl out of bed and watch something on my computer and sleep sitting up in my desk chair. fuck
The next day I snapped out of it a little.
I do snap out of my dark moods/thoughts, but they are dark and deep and I sometimes seem to relish them or encourage them or do nothing to dissuade them.
fuck
fuck and stuck
To hide I shop too much. I eat too much. I do nothing too much. I push friends away too much until I barely have any left. I watch tv too much. Do nothing too much. Sit too much. Ponder too much.
I've had the name of a therapist for three or so months in my day planner and have not made an appointment. Who knows why. Lazy? Afraid? Lazy? Stuck? Unwilling to do the work? I don't know.
I saw a therapist about three years ago for less than a dozen times. When it started getting hard I ran. I had even warned him I was a runner. My unwillingness to face myself is kinda laughable. I claim I want to dig deep, but don't.
I'm feeling unlovable, unlikeable, unworthy. I'm looking at those words and am now feeling like a big whiner and pussy. WThell is the problem? I'm definitely at an age where I really should know a few more answers than I do.
My old therapist was a perfectly nice person and I'm certain he could have helped me, but here's one thing that led to my running. He mentioned I'm an empath and in that time I did not know what that meant. I understood that to mean something whooo-hoo and unworldly. I have since found out it simply means you feel other's feelings or some such shit. A better way to explain might be I can feel another's sense of certain things. More than I care to frankly. I don't like being one. I realize empathy is something we need more of, but I'm not sure this is what it means in my mind.
I don't know. All of what I've just written looks like so much dumb-ass mutterings. Blech.
I am way too sensitive and take things way personally. Although, at times, I believe it might be the only way to take a particular incident or experience.
Fuck
The other evening some plans Pup and I had fell through (she forgot we had made plans) and I fell apart. In my fake or real empath way I am feeling that someone has total contempt for me now and maybe forever, and only has contact with me at all because I'm her momma.
I'm overstating I pray, but somewhere in there is a kernel of the real story. We haven't talked about the real story so I don't know what's wrong. Everything. Nothing. But it's there and unforgivable. I'll talk about what it probably is soon.
But, the other night when the plans were changed I had a quiet, but complete meltdown. I cried in my bed for hours. Had the darkest thoughts I've ever had. The thoughts even scared me. I felt so worthless and terrible I - just for a moment - imagined I could end me and others would be better off.
what the fuck
Scary to imagine and I had to crawl out of bed and watch something on my computer and sleep sitting up in my desk chair. fuck
The next day I snapped out of it a little.
I do snap out of my dark moods/thoughts, but they are dark and deep and I sometimes seem to relish them or encourage them or do nothing to dissuade them.
fuck
fuck and stuck
To hide I shop too much. I eat too much. I do nothing too much. I push friends away too much until I barely have any left. I watch tv too much. Do nothing too much. Sit too much. Ponder too much.
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