Friday, April 30, 2010

Quote

It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.
~Zelda Fitzgerald

Hot Men Friday

Torrance Coombs


Do any of you watch The Tudors?

Addicted!

Every Sunday night Pup and I are "it's 20 minutes to Tudors babe"!

"10 minutes to Tudors"!

Even with TiVo, we usually watch The Tudors in real time.

Holy hot thighs, this show is sexy on the run. Ruthless people, crazy fashion, overindulged spoiled royals, dark castle halls with acres of walls to get pushed up against. Hand me a cold drink please.

This young guy is the most chilling and ruthless right now. Don't let those baby blues lull you into thinking otherwise.

If you enjoy sex and lusty behavior, please get your arse over to Showtime and watch.

Hooooya!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Bodies

I find this incredibly interesting.

Why, indeed, is it palatable to observe all kinds of manufactured cleavage, but not cleavage like this?

Breasts move people. At least they used to.

Small ones, medium ones, big ones. They jiggle, they bounce, they are delicious!


We have been spoon-fed the hard and large surgeon-enhanced canyon-cleavaged breasts to the point where everyone believes that is how women look. That boobs spring directly out of chests poking and prodding their way ala Heidi Montag into our line of vision. Intrusive nipples and all.

Where did it all go so wrong? When was it decided that the only acceptable body type is a boy-hipped girl with 32DDDs?

Think of all the beautiful women from years gone by.

Goldie Hawn

Rachel Welch

Elizabeth Taylor

Lauren Hutton

Jill Clayburgh

Cybill Shepherd

Marilyn Monroe

Sophia Loren

Twiggy

Different shapes, beautiful woman. A type for everyone's liking. A cover for every pot.

Why do we want to limit ourselves to one acceptable body type?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Observation


Have you noticed all the acronyms in advertising lately?

LBL

ED

UTI

IBS

Millions more yes?

LBL - light bladder leakage. Hmm . . . can the word "light" ever be in the same sentence as "bladder leakage"? I don't think so.

ED - erectile dysfunction. Let's be clear; who's feelings are we trying to not hurt? Shouldn't we really be figuring out why the wiener isn't working?

UTI - urinary tract infection. Oh, let's just not go there - ever.

IBS - irritable bowel syndrome. What does this mean really? Why are anyone's bowels in a bad mood? Can't they just drink vodka?

Every time I turn around (in my princess finery - I spin!) I'm unwillingly listening to a commercial talking about some set of letters I never knew described a "syndrome."

One of my newest peeves is the RLS. Really? Restless legs are now a syndrome?

How about these I am coining?

IIG - irritated in general. Is there a pill for this?

CLIM - can't look in mirror. I am skeered what I'll see first thing in the morning. I know I need a pill for this.

BFH - bastard from hell. The guy on the freeway that refuses to let me merge into traffic. There really should be a treatment for this condition.

Tell me your favorite acronyms! Let's start a revolution!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Aaaaaah!

There has been a death.

Yes, the coffeepot I have loved for these six years has shit a brick, bought the farm, broke a big nose (wth??), died.

Oh the sadness! It burgled and gurgled it's last breath RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A BREW! I was ready to hop in Ruby with my Minnesota Twins sleep pants, Crocs, and raccoon eyes to get me some Caribou when I discovered that if I slugged the pot on the right while holding it on the left it would gurgle a bit of coffee into the carafe. OH GOD! THE INHUMANITY!

So, off I go, cheerily, (ha!) to Macy's to find me a new Braun. What?? There are no more Brauns??? Not so many white coffee makers? Finding a white coffeepot is like finding a virgin in college (boys and girls peeps - equal opportunity offender here).

I poke around the Macy's Marketplace area and after only spotting pots I DO NOT WANT (really? Black and Decker?? Do I want to saw my coffee in the morning??) (stainless?? really? Another flippin' thing to keep fingerprint-free??) I head on over to JC Penney's where the sales people are few and the layout is confusing (sing that to the tune of America the Beautiful).


I spy a lone, white, coffeepot that doesn't cost $149 (why would I want my coffeepot to vacuum the living room??) nor does it cost $19.99 (pure gristle!). It doesn't promise to do things I don't want it to do and it's white. It brews coffee.

Aaaaah, the coffeepot relief. The promise of coffee delight. Because everyone knows I have to have some caffeine relief in the morning. You do not want to witness anything different.

~~~~~~


Pup and I are doing a mini-makeover in our living room as well. Here's a little sneak peek! I'm excited!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Things I See

Do you see this the same way I'm seeing it?

Or am I just a straw short of a McDonalds' franchise?

And why does my thumb look like it just got out of prison?

Overheard

Well, maybe not so much overheard as actually said to me while trying to browse in a furniture store.

Vee got new pisses every Friday. You no see something? Vee got new pisses Friday. Vat you looking? I haf whole {incredibly ugly} set in back. You order. This leather vera nice. Touch this.

A word to the unwise. Leave me the hella alone! Grr and arg!

I told you I was looking. Does my handbag look big enough to stuff a robin’s egg blue sofa into it? Why would I WANT a robin’s egg blue sofa? Hmm? Why would ANYONE?? Could this be why there are no customers here?

Arrrrrrg!

Is anything more annoying than the store owner following you around BUGGING you. Does this WORK as a sales method? Sheesh! Where’s my vodka?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Hot Men Friday

Luke Bryan

I don't even know what to say about this one. I just may be tripping over the line to the dark side.

I blame it on lack of sleep.

I do like shiny things. :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sweet, Sweet Sleep

I have insomnia.

Bad.

Real bad.

I'm up right now at 1:30 a.m. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been up most of the night last night, and the night before.

Why, oh why?

I'm constantly on the hunt for a way to sleep.

Melatonin - made me have crazy-ass, semi-scary dreams. I still have a bottle in the bathroom.

5HTP - crazy dreams, but more just disturbing rather than doom-filled.

Potatoes, Not Prozac - this actually helped for a while. I didn't like eating potatoes just before bed. Plus I'm a lazy-ass and more often than not I didn't have any at the ready. And I'm trying to go easy on carbs. See what I mean? Lazy-ass.

Magnesium supplement - I haven't given this one a fair chance as of yet.

So, here I am. It's dark. It's cold in this office. The dog is snoring away. The cat has abandoned me since I had to put him on Prozac (long story you do not want to hear). And I'm a little lonely.

I've twisted my hair into spirals on my head. If someone knocked on the door right now I would ignore them for fear of scaring the living crap out of them. I look pretty weird.

It puts me in the mood to make a list!

Things to do:
  1. Finish varnishing doors in house. It's only been 18 months since I stained them. What's the hurry?
  2. Organize my office for the 15th time. Where does all this shit come from anyway? You'd think I was a procrastinator or something. Ha!
  3. Stay off the gad damn sugar. Seriously. It will kill you, you dumbass. Oh! Was that harsh? Too bad! I hate that I love that damn shit.
  4. I know it is as windy as standing under a helicopter out there, but get out side and pick up George's dog-bombs. They aren't going to go away on their own. Amazing how six short months of his unrepentant pooping makes a huge shit-storm for me. Heh.
  5. Get a plan for your new little garden. Pick stuff you'll actually eat. Yes, you can do it. Focus.
  6. Turn up the hot tub every day. You own it and deserve a nice soak. It's heaven, it's free, and it's yours. Do it!
Ooooooh, I feel much better. Not sleepy, but much better.

Funny how being up late makes me want to turn on all the lights and vacuum.

It this bad?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Family Dinners

With tax season over, and with that the 20 hour days that accompany the season, and the promise of four hour days looming for the summer, Pup was feeling free and easy and sent out a text message to the young uns saying

Let's celebrate, who wants to go to Fogo?
Pup, giddy with man-crack excitement
(still learning the camera - craptastik photos)

That would be Fogo de Chão, awesome Brazilian steakhouse in downtown Minneapolis. Simply put, this place is man-crack. Not the kind you see on the backsides of plumbers, but the kind where men go CRAZY with steak.
Bella handling a big piece with her dainties

Hot, juicy, sizzling, meat, fresh off the grill, in all the grilled preferences. Tons of it. Dozens of Gauchos running around with skewers of different meat cuts (there's some chicken for the feint of heart - none for me thank you!) ready to slice you off a delicious hunk as you wish.
The sides that no one touched
Rookie-mistake salad bar - I love it though

There also happens to be one of the most amazing salad bars I've ever seen to start with. Most of the boys I've ever gone with to Fogo totally skip this step. They don't want to waste precious room or time with nonessentials. Meat really is the thing here. MEAT!
Mojito!

You are seated, offered a drink from the full bar (Lorenzo and I indulged in Fogo's version of a Mojito - I forget the special name theirs had - delicious!) and given a little, round, button about the size of a drink coaster. Green on one side. Red on the other.

When you're ready for meat, green. When you need to take a break, red. Simple!

Pup and The Big B were ready. Sarah-Bella loosened the belt on her dress to prepare. Lorenzo and I had worn leggings so there would be no clothing interference issues. We were ready. Bring on the Gauchos!
Yes it's true, The Big B never takes off his hat

Activity at our table was fast and furious for quite a while. The boys out eating us soundly. Bella was determined to keep pace with The Big B, but she actually likes to chew her food so she fell behind quickly.
Sarah-Bella is slowing down

The boys always start out briskly, but I do have to say that while the girls do not enjoy the QUANTITY that the boys can intake, we far outdo them with the ENDURANCE of eating. We were still picking away long after Pup and The Big B were trying to sit back as far as they could to let their bellies stretch. Ha!

The service at Fogo is excellent and the manager liked hanging out with us because - well, because we're just that fucking entertaining. I love family dinners. The conversation is fast and furious. We do a lot of laughing and we do a lot of chattering.
Pup pays the huge-ass bill - worth every cent according to him

The best time ever!
The family can still smile even though we cannot move

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Weekend's the Thing

Perfect and lovely I have to say.

Pup's first weekend of freedom so he was itching to go to a few stores since he hadn't been shopping for nearly four months. Off to the geek store to check out what geeks are wearing this spring. From where I was sitting it was gray flannel pants and baby blue shirts. Oh? That was the store-dudes uniform? My mistake!

Hubs wandered off to see what he could see and I wandered over to the digital cameras to check out what I'm thinking about. I'm thinking Nikon. I have half the cash in my hot little hands so on this day I was only looking. Those fancy-schmancy cameras are expensive. I am lusting big time.

But I picked up a little digital for the pocket since mine is old and heavy and about 4 mega pixels or such. New Olympus is tiny and 12 mega pixels.

I was playing with it, getting the settings set and the lenses loaded when I took this picture. Made me laugh for minutes.

I am easily amused these days.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Story from the Files

From the Dating Files - oh so long ago

This was written down shortly after I had my date with this guy. For some reason he reminded of Rocky Balboa. He was short, muscular, and just had that vibe.



Rocky
Rocky e-mailed me last Saturday and sounded funny, smart, and interesting so when he asked for it I e-mailed him my phone number. We had a VERY nice chat; waaaaay too long, but witty, fast-paced, and full of lots of laughing. I loooooove calls like this. I am a sucker for them.

He called again on Sunday and upped his original offer of coffee to dinner. We agreed on Thursday evening. I was very pleased! I liked his pictures and his profile was well written and had some quirky moments. Not your typical profile-drudgery.

He called Monday; he called Tuesday, he called Wednesday. Frankly that was probably too much pre-talking. Mistake #1.

I met him at 6:30 last night in front of the entertainment area at the local large mall. He got there literally two minutes after I did. That was nice!

But, if he was six feet tall, then I have access to Oprah’s bank account. I’m 5’8” and even though I was wearing black boots with a small heel he still should have been taller than me. Nope.

We were seated and after ordering he started his “interviewing.” Asking many many questions and watching my face intently. He’s in sales and even though I work in a marketing department as well I wasn’t catching onto his technique at first which I do think was a kind of hard-sell thing maybe coupled with a little speed-seduction. Gaak!

It wasn’t a lighthearted, fun, get-to-know-you dinner like I was hoping we’d have. It was him trying to figure out how quickly he could score.

I maybe should have gotten a big clue when the first thing out of his mouth when he saw me was that I had a “nice ass” and that he has met very few women he’d bother going on a 2nd date with. I think I was supposed to feel “blessed” that he was considering a date two. Blerg.

He fired questions at me rat-a-tat-tat. Questions like How many guys am I dating? Was I looking just to have fun? Why would a grown woman want to play games and not have sex with a guy on the first date if she was attracted to him? On and on.

At one point he said he was looking for a long term thing and he didn’t want me to hurt him. WTH?

He would compliment something about me then zing in a little uncompliment. Nothing harsh, but just enough to let me know I shouldn't think I was all that. I even became a little defensive at the beginning.

I clammed up finally and he wanted to know if he had offended me. I think I stammered a denial. Crap!!

He just was an arrogant-ass.

I stood up to leave, grabbed my black leather coat, and walked out of the pub.

I heard him calling after me, but I skittered away and lost him in the parking ramp and when I had finally locked myself into my car my phone rang. It was him. I thought he might be calling to apologize for being such an ass-hat. Nope.

He said, “Uh . . . I think you have my coat.” Yes! I had grabbed his black leather coat by mistake. THUD and damn.

So much for my graceful exit. I had to drive to his damn SUV and exchange coats. Oh I soooo wanted to stop and toss his damn coat off of the top of the parking ramp.

I didn’t even say a word. Just drove off after the switch.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Dating


I was over at Robyn's blog (great btw - check it out!) the other day reading about her dating life and it totally got me remembering my experiences with online dating a few years back.

That's how I met Pup! But I dated dozens of others before finding him. It was a very crazy experience that when I think back to it, I can't believe I had the small-rounds to do it.

I had been married for 23 years and hadn't dated since I was 20. That's a long time to be out of the loop. But I was starting to feel like I wanted someone to hang out with and do stuff with and cook for. And have sex with. I was missing sex and had tried having a friend-with-benefits, but found that kind of relationship a bit weird.

So a girl I worked with suggested Match.com. I filled out my profile, posted a couple of pictures and hit "publish."

Holy mother, I was not prepared the bunches of e-mails that I started getting. I had to organize them in folders. Create an Excel spreadsheet. Have code names for them because the names started running together in my head.

I stumbled my way into a system.

I would e-mail to begin with. If the guy sounded interesting and nice I would try to move it to the phone. If they didn't ask for my number, no more answering e-mails.

Next step was the phone call. That was challenging for me at first. I'm a talker and a laugher. If they made me laugh I would certainly go out with them even if there were flags waving. Not smart a couple of times. But mostly the calls would unearth some crazy stuff. I couldn't believe what guys would say during that first phone call.

"You aren't fat are you"? One charming man asked me. click

"I've had women date me for my money." Another said. I'm guessing he thought that because he had the personality of a small rock. Not the Pet Rock either.

"My wife used to tell me I'm boring, how's this conversation going anyway? How would you rate it"?

If the phone call went well and he asked, I would go on the first date. We in the online dating world called these the "date zero." Because it really wasn't a date, just a get-to-know you kind of thing.

I went on many many many date zeros. So many zeros on those dates.

Guys that would tell me about their physical problems, or how their kids wouldn't speak to them or what @unts their ex-wives are or drone on and on without ever seeing if I needed a glass of water or oxygen.

Two people can take one look at the other and tell if they want to try a second date. I was usually the one that didn't want a second time. Mostly they did. I used to change their name in my phone contact list to "NO NO NO!!"

The times I saw the look on the guys face, the "I'm not attracted to you" look, the date actually went great because then I would get totally outrageous and smartassy. A couple of those guys became my friends for a bit.

The ones that became date twos were great. I dated a couple of really great guys. Dating at my age was so challenging and scary and exciting.

I'll post a few stories in the next few weeks.

Vogue

I do not watch Glee and probably never will, but I heard about this video from the fabulous Sue Sylvester Jane Lynch.

Love this!

Vogue from Glee featuring Jane Lynch


(Hulu is loading incredibly slow for me so I'm only providing a link, but watch it!)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Minnesota Twins!

If you don't live here, this will bore the crap out of you.

I care, I really do. But indulge me today! It's opening day! The official first day of spring in my world.

When I was a kid my first sunburn was always at the old Met Stadium with my dad out in the bleachers. On bat day.

I remember listening to games on the radio all summer long.

Love them!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Story

When I married Pup I got five new sisters.

Yes, I said that.

FIVE freakin' sisters! I have one. I can't imagine having five!

I do think he's the sweetie he is because he has so many sisters and four of them are older than him. He totally knows how women work. For the most part. ;)

They're all lovely women, but a couple of them are my favs. Penny Lane (stripper name - again to protect the not-so-innocent) being my absolute favorite partner-in-crime.

We've hung out several times; all of them memorable.
  1. The time we sat on the porch at my house in the hood, got an itch to smoke cigarettes (wth???) and DROVE to the nearest convenience store, which was four blocks away) after having too many margaritas because we didn't want to walk in my neighborhood in the dark. We easy-breazied right on past all the police that were hanging out there. Got our cigarettes. Oh we are dorks. Neither of us were smokers! I had the worst hangover ever.
  2. Then the time we went to a club with Deb-oh-rah and were trying to find guys for Penny. Every guy I found she wasn't interested in. She wanted a sexy long-haired blond guy that was already there with a woman. Penny is trouble! So we played pool and I had to detach from the guys I WAS finding. Funny how guys in bars think if you engage them in convo you're going to give up a phone number. I still have Dave-the-Handyman's biz card though.
  3. Then there was our bowling banquet . . .
Pup, Penny, Pup's nephew, and I were on a Sunday night league for a couple of years and the bowling banquet was always a blast.

Pup and I met Penny in the bar before the banquet started, played some pulltabs, and had a few pre-game cocktails.

We went in to the venue-room to have our chicken and get our awards.

During the dinner we had more cocktails and Penny slipped outside to chat with some of her friends from the banquet.

She was gone a loooooooooooooong time.

One of the women came up to me and said,

"You might want to check on Penny. She's in the woman's room."

"What is she doing"? I asked.

"Not much from the looks of it," said the woman.

Pup looked at me and said,

"This one's for you babe."

So I go into the woman's room to find Penny.

There she is. Locked in a stall. Asleep on the toilet. With her panties around her ankles. I'm peeking underneath like a total perv.

"Penny! It's me! Come on - let's go. Your chicken is getting cold"!

"Schmible," retorts Penny.

"Bootmbee. Wanna gets a drink."

"Penny! Come out"! I'm banging away on the door.

"Wha"?

"Everyone is waiting for you"!

"F-em. Where's ma pursh"?

"Penny - pull up your panties and unlock the door."

"Wha"?

"PULL UP YOUR PANTIES AND UNLOCK THE DOOR"!!!

Women are looking at me like I've lost my only mind and running out the door.

"PULL UP YOUR PANTIES PENNY! PULL UP YOUR PANTIES AND UNLOCK THE DOOR"!!

Success.

God we laugh so hard about this one. Many of us have been there sweetie!

I can't wait to plan our next hair-raising event.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Thrifting a Go-Go

Gorgeous day on Thursday so I went out after class and checked out what was what at a few thrift stores.

Didn't get this stack of awesomeness, but I sure wanted to. Anything in this color sends me into orbit. Why why why?

And gravy boats. I have a thing for gravy boats. Resisted on this one, but did buy a white Fire King boat. Gravy!

More dish love. How cute are these? Why don't I live in a house the size of a thrift store?

This place was crazy. Miles of crap.

Pup totally shook his head when he saw this radio I dragged home. But just look at the cool clock flipper! Oh my goodness. It's going in my laundry room to keep me company when I am ironing. Yick on the ironing!

I picked up some Fire King dishes, but don't tell anyone. So cute!

A good day and a good haul.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hot Men Friday

I don't know who this man is. From Italy. Don't I need to go to Italy?

Stolen from The Satorialist.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Sad Day for Women in Minnesota

I don't really like to get in political tussles. It usually ends ugly with no one really getting their point across.

But every time Michele Bachmann opens her mouth I bite my nails because I know my friends from other states are going to call me and ask, What the hell? What is she saying now for the cryin' out loud?

sigh

Now this.

If it weren't for the Minnesota Twins gearing up for an exciting season in their new stadium I just might have to move the hell away.

Somebody hold me back.

Overheard

A woman gesturing and babbling to me indicating that she was going to cut into my line to the cashier at the Aldi's.

Oh no you didn't! (said with jersey accent)

I gave her my bestest mean-momma face. She did not fall under my spell.

Grr and arg!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Schlumpy, Frumpy, Dumpy

cartoon courtesy of nataliedee.com
Eee gads, what a mood!

I'm reading my horoscope this morning and find this further down the page. Holy Crapinoli! No wonder I'm feeling like a lukewarm-mess these past few days!

The Cancerian has many potential faults. They can be untidy, sulky, devious, moody, inclined to self-pity because of an inferiority complex, brood on insults (very often imagined), yet are easily flattered. They can be tactless and difficult yet, because they are normally ambitious, they will curry favor by floating with majority opinions, outlooks and fashions of the day. As a result they often change their opinions and loyalties and, indeed, their occupations, and lack stability. They are easily corrupted and, because they are convincing romanticizers, can make successful confidence tricksters. Their romanticism in another sense make them ardent supporters of causes, for example a football team with whose heroes they can identify in a world of fantasy.

Could I be the John Edwards of my neighborhood?

~~~~~~~~

Feeling a bit stuck of late.

How do ya'll unstick? How do you negotiate to motivate? How do you do it to be it?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It Was the Dog


Now I remember why I never eat at White Castle.

Please send your sympathy cards to Pup, George, and Calvin.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Big-ass Ham - the day after

This is all that's left of it. Way less than I figured since it was the LARGEST big-ass ham I've seen in a while. It was a ham from the little piggy we bought from Pup's pig-raising cousin. Darn good pig!

It was my first ham if you can believe. But I patted it with brown sugar and mustard and poured 7-up over it's scored skin and damn! It cooked up good.
Five of us this year. Lots of Pup's ginormous family were over at one of his sister's houses. I just wanted to be with my kids this year. The enormity of that family is something I'm working on getting used to. I still am having nightmares about Thanksgiving. You know I'm joking.
Here is my yearly attempt at making the bunny cake. I cannot, for the life of me, get that gaddamn boiled frosting to work like my Swedish momma and great-momma could. What part of the baking-genie am I missing? I asked Pup to decorate. He fussed, but liked it when he was done. Ha!

It's okay. We just scraped the frosting off the pan and goobed it on top of our cake. Numm!

Then we hunkered down on the sectional. Boys napping, two of the girls working off hangovers (young uns!), dog outside whining because his Bella was in the house and he wasn't, and me trying to resist the candy on the coffee table while watching a bit of golf.

Awesome day. What did ya 'all do?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Spring Cleaning

I did a bit yesterday preparing for Sunday's big-ass ham and I was listening to an iPod playlist with my fav dance-around-like-a-spazz choices and I have one word to say.

Audioslave

I hadn't thought about them in a while.

Holy crapinoli, Chris Cornell. You give me a music-boner. Love you!